Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

[13J]

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

@Foxgloverr

i do.
I feel society tells us how to be a man or how to be a woman and it’s all stereotypical.
When I was seeing a gender clinic to be diagnosed, I was asked what book I was currently reading because I said I like to read.

i was reading a Cecelia Ahern novel and was heavily questioned about why I was reading a book for women.

Similarly, as a gay man, me and my husband and routinely invited to hen dos. And it’s assumed we typically line my femanine things.

Because society tends to think gay = feminine. Lesbian + butch.

We all know it’s not true but the myth still persists.

@nahthatsnotforme
i have felt extremely bitter over a lot of things in my life.
But I’ve had a lot of good therapy and genuinely love my current life.

i will never know what could’ve happened. I’ll never know if it would’ve been better or worse if I hadn’t transitioned, So I’ve let the wondering go.

@Sleepinggreyhounds
i suspect so although I have never been diagnosed.

Are most of your friends male or female? And do they know?

Are you 6 ft or taller?

In your experience, do you feel that the rights and interests of transmen are overlooked or sidelined by the trans community?The reason I ask is I during the Supreme Court hearing I was very shocked to hear the Scottish Government blithely saying that transmen would no longer be covered by maternity or breastfeeding protections (and it is not uncommon for transmen to give birth). It was also shocking to hear that transmen would be sent to male only prisons (which I am sure most transmen are opposed to).

@Sleepinggreyhounds

i would ask them why.
And i would tell them to live how they wanted to, wear what they wanted. Love and be attracted to whoever they wanted to.

And get therapy to deal with any underlying issues.

If, after that they still feel significant discomfort then hormonal/surgical transition could be considered.

Bur I suspect most people would feel comfortable as they were if they didn’t think they needed to be a certain way.

@girlinabox

i’m not sure to be honest, I had never really considered this and know very little about the specific gender related rules within your faith.

It is much harder for trans women to pass. You can’t unbreak a voice so even if the body is petite and feminine the voice will likely give them away
But outside of that, I’m not sure how you’d know.

its certainly something I will keep in mind myself tho, to make sure I don’t unintentionally put someone in a difficult situation.

Thank you for starting this thread.

What in your opinion in the cause of the increase in teenage girls, mainly autistic, suddenly announcing they are trans with no earlier signs? This is the phenomenon referred to as Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria.

Thank you - very thoughtful and interesting

I don’t want to ask you anything I just wanted to say how sorry I am for all the trauma that you have suffered and the effect it has had on you

@AgnesX
i have had extensive therapy, but not before transitioning.

@Charlize43

i identify as a gay male, and am married to a man.

That being said, in my teens and early 20s I only dated women.
its not that I wasn’t attracted to men, more that I felt uncomfortable being seen sexually as a woman.

Aftwe surgery I became more comfortable to explore my sexuality and ended up dating men,

I don’t have a question but I would like to add my appreciation for your clarity, honesty and openness.

OP I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry to hear of your awful childhood and adolescence, and I am glad that you are doing so much better now. I wish you a loving and happy future.

I'm glad you are happy. I wish everyone to be happy!

So, you say you are gay now as you prefer men - but when you had a womans body, you didn't call yourself gay, but I assume you fancied men when you were a woman? So really you aren't gay then as you always prefer men!

I'm sorry, I really don't understand. How can a woman transition to be a gay man? Aren't you then basically a surgically altered straight female following her natural sexual orientation?

Thank you so much for sharing your life experiences @13J . I really hope you have great people around you (sounds like you do) and I'd like to know who they are. I don't mean names and addresses 🙂. Speaking your truth as you are puts you in such a difficult position with potential to be attacked from all sides. I'm interested in your tribe. It's such a polarising issue, as you know very well.

I'm sorry for the difficulties you've been through, OP, and I'm glad you're happy in yourself now.

Have you support from other trans people? There may not be many but there certainly seem to be some people who ID as trans who share most of the same views as those of us who get called terfs.

It often seems that some of the loudest and angriest voices come from soi-disant 'allies', rather than trans people. It'd be really good to hear from the more moderate and thoughtful trans people that I know are out there. Istr there was a group on Twitter, back when it was Twitter, but I think it had to close because the attacks were so bad.

I hope you have and are able to find a supportive and nourishing network, anyway.

@TransMother
Firstly, thank you for trying to support your child. My mother hasn’t spoken to me since the day I came out as trans, which was 18 years ago.

it is very difficult to know how to help tho. I certainly wouldn’t have listened to anyone who told me I was wrong in how I felt or that transition wasn’t a solution. And often, the more you try to reason the more you push people away and make them determined to do the opposites of what you’d like.

I would say be supportive. If they want to wear boys clothing, use a different name, do typically make activities etc
let them, as long as they’re safe.
Bur be sure they understand (as far as is possible with the level of maturity and autism) the implications of hormones or surgery.

Surgeru can do irreparable damage, I was quite lucky. I healed well and everything looks pretty good.

But that’s rare, and even then. My body has limitations
it still doesn’t look or feel exactly as I’d like and doesn’t function the way I’d like either.

Id also advise if you aren’t already, monitoring carefully the online content your child is viewing. A lot of people are quick to push the ‘oh you like football and want short hair, you’re a boy’

Similarly, I’ve noticed more recently a lot of people in a friendship group will all be coming out at the same time so it’s important to know if it’s what they really feel, or if they’re just trying to fit in.

its important I think that you said they like the way they’re treated in society as a man.
There is no denying that men get a better deal in a lot of ways.

But id also point out that it’s not the case in every aspect of life. I love children and am good with them, but when I’ve wanted to work with them, it’s been assumed I must have bad intentions because it’s a ‘women’s’ job. And whilst men are generally less threatened in society. It’s also less acceptable for them to show their emotions or seek help.

Op your awesome don't shrink to make others comfortable. I think it's hard for people to understand that actually a lot of the trans discourse has been driven by a trans minority and unhelpful allys. Just to flag I'm aware a number of transmen were rushed into taking testosterone without being informed that it is irreversible if taken by women
Be very cautious of walking towards hormonal treatments. I wish people could see how terrified most transwomen are but think that silent majority should of spoken up. However like you say they would be completely excluded by both the trans community and feel excluded by wider society so became stuck and to my eyes just cower in themselves. I think third spaces and biological womanhood being protected is vital but I can see the fear and sadness in the trans community to.

@user101101
i agree with you.

i am not really sure when and why trans issues and sexuality/sexual things were ever linked.

I married a man, and so many people can’t get their head around why I would become a man and then date men. Because somehow they’re linking gender and sexual preferences.

Someone once told me
‘Sexuality is who you go to bed with and gender is who you go to bed as’

And I loved that so much.
in my early transition prior to surgery a lot of men wanted to date me because I was a fetish, and women who were gay wanted to date me so they’d have a body they were attracted to but a ‘boyfriend’ so they didn’t have to come out and acknowledge their attraction to women.

If we were just allowed to love and be attracted to people, it wouldn’t be necessary.

And I’ve no clue why or how everything became so sexualised.

How important is physical appearance to you outside of looking masculine?
Do you have a particular mental image of yourself that you feel you need to cultivate and if so, how do you feel about aging and your appearance changing?
How much (if any) day to day/ regular maintenance goes into your appearance and if anything were to happen to stop you being able to do things to make you look how you want, would that be upsetting for you?
I hope that made sense and if it didn’t, please just ignore.
I ask as someone diagnosed with severe body dysmorphic disorder.
I’ve had it all my life. It probably sounds stupid but I really feel like I am only myself if I have done my rituals/ fixed how I look (hair has to be a very particular way, clothes etc). It’s not even to be attractive, it’s literally just to feel like myself.
If I’m not able to do this I can’t bear it and I don’t feel like me. I did cbt/ exposure therapy for it but even the clinical psychologist who diagnosed and treated me just couldn’t understand this concept. Sometimes I feel like I kind of identify with things trans people describe about how they feel but I was born a woman and never for a second wanted to be anything else.
Do you think there could be an overlap in the way the brain works in people with extreme body image problems/ body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria?

@Craftysue
i will never really know
But I suspect so.

@LonginesPrime

i felt vulnerable before surgery and particularly before hormones because I sounded female. I was never threatened and nothing ever happened that frightened me but I was aware of what COULD happen.

I don’t feel as vulnerable now, Because I know I pass well enough to not be outed, and the only people seeing my naked know anyway. I will use disabled facilities where possible or a stall for using the toilet or changing.

But I also know that most men are so afraid of being accused of being gay or a pervert that even if they look, and see anything they won’t voice it.

Because if they voice that my penis looks weird, then they’re voicing that they were looking.

I used to always tell everyone instantly, and then if they rejected me I hadn’t lost anything.

These days, I tell potential partners, family, (such as parters family) and friends once we get close enough.

Outside of that, it’s not that I try to hide it, it just doesn’t come up.
if it does, like if someone asks about my childhood, I tell them honestly.

I was once asked about playing football at school. And it was a fairly new friend, so that was my opportunity to explain I was trans, so I had played netball with the girls.