Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

[13J]

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

I am genuinely saddened that you suffered such appalling abuse. It’s heartbreaking to read yet you physically endured it. 😢

I’m sure that you will know that many, many other children have and still are, being horrifically abused physically and emotionally by parents/guardians, family members and others. I imagine they feel as desperate as you.

I don’t want those desperate children to be encouraged by society to change their bodies because although from your perspective it appears to have worked to your satisfaction, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll have the same result for them.

All children and young people deserve love, support and encouragement to be who they are and not change everything about themselves to try to be acceptable to people they are never likely to meet.

I sincerely wish you the best for the rest of your life.

(apologies for not replying sooner, I’ve been playing with and then putting my 3 precious babies to bed ❤️)

@Silversixpenny
its like that riddle isn’t it?
Where the father and son are in a car crash, the father boys and the doctor says they can’t operate on the boy because he’s their son.

People sit there going ‘the doctors his stepdad, the dads gay, the sons adopted’ All round the houses before they realise women are doctors too. It explodes a subconscious bias most people don’t even realise they have.

@Langdale3 as in a packet of, probably shortbread, a wrapped one, a penguin or rocky,

used to be a trio and I’m still sad they don’t exist anymore

@Burntt

i don’t have a brother, I’ve 2 sisters.
But I do have male cousins who I massively envied and who I felt were allowed to do much cooler stuff than I was.

i was about 15 when I learnt transition was a thing, so 2004 ish.

had I been born now I would’ve likely known about it much sooner and had I not learnt about it then, I would’ve also possibly figured out that my body wasn’t necessarily the problem.

@WarriorN i find I agree with the psychological POV, but I do have a background in psychology so that’s not too surprising.

Why do you think nature has intentions? It’s more like chaos that looks intentional from a position in the distant future.
Evolution doesn’t happen because new adaptations are a good idea. It happens because mutations and differences are constantly being created in sexual reproduction and then sometimes a trait and an environmental factor interact and happen to be well suited so individuals with that trait survive longer and have more offspring.
Homosexual attraction is an interesting thing because obviously it doesn’t result in any offspring (assuming same sex couple rather than same gender identity opposite sex I mean) and yet it’s a fairly common behavioral trait. But arguing it’s not what nature intended is just an unjustified personification of nature.

I've (relatively recently) heard suggestions there is some evidence that some traits can be passed down as evolutionarily advantageous, which potentially challenges the 'random mutation' model.

Buggered if I can remember where, unfortunately.

That is bizarre about your dad. Maybe there is something in the way peoples brains are wired that influences our preferences for one thing/ style over another even on that level.

I would imagine the fact that you’ve had surgeries etc takes away a lot of the need to make smaller continuous changes.
I hadn’t thought of that before.
But it’s good to hear that you don’t have ongoing urges to keep changing how you look. I suppose that is what I was trying to ask.

@Icanttakethisanymore
Something we will never know, but I find it a very interesting topic.

@FiveBarGate
it does annoy me.

We are all different.
But we get lumped together. As do LGB people and they shouldn’t be because gender and sexuality are not related.

And as you say, the reasons are usually different too.

Someone said upthread about a trans woman who talked about losing a male privilege they didn’t know they had,

And think this is why TW are talked about more, because they’re demanding a privilege that they feel entitled to because it’s all they’ve known.

TM don’t have that privilege from birth, I recognise that I am treated differently as a man, and I don’t take it for granted that I am owed it. It also makes me angry for women the more I see the inequality,

Thank you for answering. But can you clarify where you learnt of transition? Was it online or a person you met or a news story? Or were you referred to a service after talking about how unhappy you were with your life?

also I love that riddle you quoted upthread. It’s gold!

@Arlanymor
That is a tough one because I would’ve assumed the reactions to be reversed.

i am the same, just want to live my life and get on with things.

i suppose from a transman perspective particularly if surgery is recent they possibly feel like they’re being forced back in to women’s spaces, which I get, and is an uncomfortable thought.

I am concerned about being put on a female hospital ward, but not just for myself, but also for the women I know will feel uncomfortable sharing with me.

i don’t want to march about it tho
because if they reverse the ruling for trans men, then they have to do the same for trans women and that puts women in danger again

I have a personal question and of course please don’t answer it if you don’t want to ☺️. But could you explain about the genital surgery you’ve had? If you have a penis, how is it made? What does it look like? Would someone know it’s not a male born one? Does it work the same? Sorry if this sounds really weird, but I’m curious.

@SolielMoonSky
i don’t,
But I did experiment with it and worry about it more when I was very conscious of ‘passing’

For example, for years I believed I had to wear a ‘packed’ because the internet and other people assured me I needed a visible bulge or I wouldn’t pass.

i tried all sorts but ultimately found it made me self conscious because I was worried it would slip out of place and be too noticeable in a bad way.

in the end I gave up and also realised that most people aren’t walking around staring at your crouch.

obviously I’ve had surgery now, and it’s not something I think about. I know it’s their abs unless I’m in an uncomfortable position where I need to readjust it doesn’t cross my mind whether other people see a bulge or wonder if it’s natural

Thank you and it is tough, and I wondered about the spaces issue too. We live in different places so haven’t met since the ruling and I don’t want to talk about it over messenging or even over the phone as I think it needs to be a face to face chat for me to understand. But I have said I can’t go on the march now. They’re not cross, but we do need to talk it about it sometime soon in person.

I think you raise a really important point about any law changes having ramifications across the board for everyone, including trans people who, to quote my MTF friend: “Just want to go back to how it was before when I passed and I wasn’t asked my opinion all the time about how I felt and was just quietly living my new life.” She has used the words hijacked and ambushed about the movement in the recent years, feels she doesn’t fit anywhere now. Also she comes from the Philippines so has extra issues about what is/isn’t classified as homosexuality on top of all of that. I do think people forget how hard this is for people who don’t want to have a trans flag on their car but are bone fide members of the community.

@Burntt

Someone at school told me they’d seen a film ‘about you’
Which was Boys Don’t Cry. So I googled it and it said it was about a transsexual. I didn’t know what that was, so I googled that too.

Does this mean you are attracted to men? If this is the case, how do you find that the male - gay community receives you; and how would you describe the nature of your relationships with men? Are the men you are sexually involved with typical gay men, or do they ''identify' themselves in some other way?

You say you have had 'bottom surgery' - does this mean you have a prosthetic, artificial penis?

In all genes vs environment cases I've read (thoigh it's been a few years) the comclusions from the author has nearly always been "it's both, and there are too many factors to suggest more than that".

The best studies have been longitudinal twin studies to minimise variation and to look at a large population sample. Which is why I am very skeptical when people say, "it's just genetics" or "it's only how they were brought up."

The third factor for me is lived experiences (I know this comes under environmental) but to me it's a category of its own - OP said about his home environment when she was a girl (apologies in advance, I am trying my "pronoun best"), ie,when she was a girl, she had negative experiences and learned when she chose boy-orientated clothing/activities she felt more comfortable in herself that she became himself.

Had this not have happened when she was a girl, if she had felt truly equal to a boy and felt she had the same opportunities and equal expectations as a boy (high achieving, no "domestic burden"), would she have remained a "she"? Perhaps, or perhaps not. Again, one person and one experience.

What OP is dead right about, IMO, is the exploitation of the law by male fetishists who saw an unguarded opportunity and seized it with both hands.

Apart from your physical appearance, is there another reason you would not feel comfortable on a female hospital ward or in a female facility. If so, what is it?

I truly think, women on a single sex ward will know you were once a girl, and know that you will have had shared, common experiences so either all will be neutral, or it will be positive. I know several transmen and I knew them before, and honestly, AOK with me in any single sex space.

Yes, exactly right. In our labs, we have a good proportion of women, although I do occasionally get passed over to one of the undergrads, and he just says, "Dunno why you're asking me, SilverSixPenny's the one with the Master's!' Lol!

@londongirl12

Not a problem at all, you’re not the first to ask and I’m sure won’t be the last. In real life sometimes people ask to see it!

There are two types of surgery available for trans men.

Metoidioplasty
Which I didn’t have, but briefly. Testosterone causes clitoral growth, and definition. So it looks more like the head of a penis.

With metoidioplasty the clit is ‘released’ from under the skin to create a penis which is essentially just an enlarged clit. It can get hard etc like a penis naturally. But will be very small both in length and girth.

The urethral is then extended and routed through the enlarged clit and testicular implants are placed in the outer labia.

It will look like a very tiny penis and get erect but often isn’t big enough to perform penetration, although it does grow a little when erect. and I’d imagine it would be hard to pee through because it’s not got the length to be away from the body

But I don’t know anyone who’s had it.

I had phalloplasty
Which is done in 3 stages

Stage 1
They take a skin graft from your forearm, and roll it in to a sausage shape, and sew it on to the publc bone to create the penis.

Stage 2
They extend the urethra and route it through the new penis. You have to have a catheter for about 3 months while it all heals.
They sculpt the arm skin to look more like the head of a penis

Then you can have your clit buried under the skin of you wish (I did)
Or that can be left available for sexual stimulation.

And you can optionally have the vagina closed up (I also had this) or you can leave it open if you enjoy penetration.

Stage 3
Is having testicular implants put in to the labia, and optionally, having an erectile device inserted

An erectile device is an inflatable pump inserted in to the penis to give it rigidity for sex.

I didn’t have the erectile device fitted.

Phalloplasty offer a penis that’s a more natural size (proportionate to your body) so in my case 5.5” which is the uk average although no man I’ve ever met would admit being that small.

It’s penis shaped
But you can tell it’s not natural

I can pee standing up with no issues.
And I could have penetrative sex if I had opted for the device.

They are all very risky surgeries with a lot of issues and complications

I was incredibly lucky and all went well, I healed well and it looks decent

A lot of others can’t say the same

There could be a separate wing within the male and female estates for trans prisoners - just as there is for other prisoners considered vulnerable. That seems like the obvious solution.

To add, it's to suit the enviroment AT THAT TIME as well, which is why rapid climate change is devastating species (as well as so many other pressures) because they are failing to adapt rapidly enough. A 1°C change is enoughbto wipe out scores of insects, which then has a knock on effect to animals which predate them.

The behavioural trait from the research I read was in larger populations, being homosexual means you are not challenging any hierarchy and you are around to be another pair of eyes on the offspring of your siblings.

Thanks for posting so honestly OP. Just wondering if you think there are any significant differences between attitudes to trans people between NI and the rest of the UK?