Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

[13J]

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

I don't know for sure without seeing you but I assume you aren't the same potential threat to men in a men's space as a transwoman is in a female space. Transwomen have a greater body mass, therefore physical strength, and usually a penis which means they can rape - and women are raped by men on a daily basis. So I don't think you are disrespecting men if you were to use their changing rooms. It just isn't the same ball park.

Thank you very much. It's true to say it must leave you in certain kind of position. I have two transmen family do I guess I was trying to see how they would navigate the whole situation.

I personally don't feel remotely threatened by transmen. But I do feel concern about trans women insisting that bio women accept them as exactly the same, when clearly they're not.

Can I ask another question please?

With regard to your reassignment surgery, do you now have a functional penis (obviously you can't produce sperm) but can you have an erection and penetrate another person, and give yourself pleasure/orgasm?
I guess I'm asking how you orgasm when you have that type of neo-penis? If that's what you have?

I hope you don't think that's a disrespectful question.

Neither of my trans family have had 'bottom' surgery, only top.

Thanks again x

@ginasevern

Absolutely, men don’t feel threatened by trans men in the same way which is why nobody talks about transmen sharing their spaces.

But if transmen are allowed to continue to use the mens, then trans women will claim that’s inequality which it is, although it is different.

Even on this thread people have suggested that I don’t care about men’s right if I will use the men’s.

But I am certain those same people do not want me walking in to the women’s and wouldn’t take my word for the fact I’m trans, because if a man really wants to access women’s facilities surely he will now claim to be a trans man, and although often you can tell, not always and as far as I know you can’t force someone to prove it, or certainly not without putttibg yourself in danger.

@anyolddinosaur

i did not reject my mother or sisters.

My father did desert me yes, but he was not present for the childhood in which I was abused, so whilst he can be blamed for not being there, he can’t be blamed for the abuse.

i have spoken to him at length and we are forging a new relationship

Despite what I endured, I have attempted to make contact with my mother and sisters on multiple occasions THEY rejected me, not the other way around.

This is not about ‘blaming women’

You do not knoe me, my mother, father, or sisters.
Do not make assumptions about my life.

@BobbyBiscuits

i can feel pleasure, but I opted not to have an erectile device fitted during surgery so I cannot penetrate.

However, a transman who opted for an erectile device could.
Which then calls in to question how a post op trans man can be welcomed in to women’s spaces when they could be equally as harmful as a man, if they wanted to be.

Thank you. That's interesting. And yeah, a transman who could 'rape' in the same way a man could is basically a man...but in law? It must be quite a lot for people to get their heads round.

When did you realise you were trans? And how it affect your life before you could transition?

Sorry, another question if that's ok? X

I made no assumptions about your life - I asked you a question. By deserting you when you were young and not intervening to stop any abuse your father also shares blame for your childhood problems yet you remain in contact with him. Your response to my initial question was that you didnt care about your mother's feelings, now you say you have tried. There still seems to be a lot of anger to explore with your therapist.

You say you’re gay, but you’re a woman married to a man. Surely that means you’re straight?

A third space is the solution
But anyone who tries to campaign for it will be shut down by most trans activities as it would be segregating and supposedly transphobic

I think this has been a problem. However I think trans activists will have less influence after this ruling. And I bet there are plenty of sensible trans people like you out there, getting on with life. I think there might be more room for sensible solutions now that the more demanding voices have been shut down to some extent. I hope anyway.

But just as trans women retain a male pattern of offending and criminality, trans men presumably retain female patterns of offending, so this would be vanishingly rare.

Plus they would have to inflate their penis…

Hi 13J, thanks for your reply. That makes more sense that you have moved to NI post-transition, as my impression was that we have very little infrastructure in the healthcare structure here for transitioning. I don't personally know any older transpeople in NI, although I have had a little contact with a couple of the support groups via work. My teenage kids have friends who identify as trans and I believe all that is available to them at the moment in the public sector is mental health support via CAMHS. Unfortunately this is so limited that anyone going through the kind of trauma you experienced as a child is unlikely to get the level of therapy needed to allow them to make a genuinely informed decision as to whether transition is the best option for them.

@BobbyBiscuits

I was 15 when I became aware that trans was a thing, so 3 years before I transitioned, it was difficult and in some ways it helped to have a name for my feelings, but in other ways it was harder to know how I felt but I know I couldn’t do anything about it (there was no transition options under 18 at the time).

@anyolddinosaur

I have had the opportunity to discuss with my father why he left, didn’t maintain contact, and the impact and situation he left me in.

He does not deny his culpability but equally he cannot change it now

We have mutually decided that we cannot change the past and so we are trying to forge a new future. It is not easy, and I do not forget his part in my past.

i have tried with my mother,
I have attempted to talk to her about things, not only my transition, but other aspects of my life and childhood, of her life, and her own issues and experiences.
I do not deny that she probably did the best she could in the circumstances she was in.

But she had repeatedly rejected me. She was aware of, and did nothing to stop the abuse, yet denies any responsibility for it.

So whilst I sympathise with any mother who may grieve and struggle to come to terms with their child transitioning

Why should I continue to care about someone who does not care about me? Regardless of who they are.

I hold no anger towards her
I wish her every success in life,
I respect that she wishes to have no contact with me, so I have stopped trying.

But you did make assumptions.
You assumed I blamed my mother, which I did not say
She knew of, and I’d therefore responsible for the abuse I suffered, but I do not blame her for it. I blame the abuser.

You assumed my father chose to leave me in an abusive situation, without knowing why he left or what he was aware of.

You assumed I blames the women in my life and not the men.

Women have undoubtedly over the years taken a lot of blame that should’ve lain with men over a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean that everyone blames women.

My door was open to my father
And it will be open should my mother or sisters wish to speak

@BellissimoGecko

i consider myself to be a gay man, having legally changed my sex to male. My legal position may well change in light of the ruling, but I can’t speak for the future.

My husband is a gay man (born male) and identifies me as male and considers himself to be in a same sex relationship

You may chose to identify me as female and therefore in a straight relationship That is your choice, and I respect that.

@BellissimoGecko

It is much less likely that a transman will abuse a women in a single sex space, because as you say, patterns of offending etc are relevant.
Just as it is less likely but not impossible for a woman to abuse another woman or a man.

And yes a transman would have to inflate their penis, but from my understanding that takes a matter of seconds.

If someone wants to hurt someone else, they will find a way to do it unfortunately

@NImumconfused

Yes, CAMHS is really all their is, and in some cases children age out of being eligible before they get help, then they’re back of the list with adult mental health which isn’t much better.

Yes, it's not good enough really, whatever the issue that a child needs support with, it shouldn't be so hard to access.

Wishing you all the best.

*13J I am so sorry your relationship with your mum was so bad. If course you must prioritise your feelings and safety. I am just so sorry. *

@13J hi thanks for you candor so far. Can I ask how life is different now you are perceived as male? What are the stand out differences in how you are treated in daily life? What is different about how you behave, are there things you wouldn't have done 'as a woman' that you do do as a male? I guess I'm trying to workout what the difference is between 'living as a woman' and 'living as a man' beyond gendered clothes/names etc. How are you impacted by male privilege, what form does it take?

Thank you. That must have been really tough. I hope your family and friends were/are supportive. X

I just wanted to add my thanks to you OP for such an interesting, honest and rational thread. I hope you continue to live happily and peacefully as a transman, and you deserve every happiness. I certainly try to be both GC and respectful of trans people, and clear voices like yours will only help this. I completely agree third spaces are the only way forward to support everyone.

@GetDressedYouMerryGentlemen

For me, living as a man is partly about steriotypicsl things, it shouldn’t be, but it is. Nobody questions my clothes or interests in the same way they did when I lived as a woman. But it is also about how I feel inside and that’s quite hard to explain.

i feel that I am probably more sympathetic to women’s issues that I would be had I been born male, because I’ve had the lived experience

I do see male privilege in the world. I don’t feel I have to fight so hard to be listened to or understood anymore.
But I do also challenge this when I see women’s opinions or needs being overlooked.

My questions were genuine and absolutely not intended as some sort of 'gotcha' but the fact that someone who has to all intents and purpose lived as both a man and a woman finds it impossible to define living as a certain sex just goes to show that it isn't something laws can be built on. The only way to define sex is biology because anything else will always be too nebulous, too individual, too situational to define.

Scots law has been specifically changed to allow for a transman to commit the crime of rape using a surgically created penis. I can find the legislation.

@GetDressedYouMerryGentlemen

I don’t disagree with you or dispute your question.

To ‘be a man’ or ‘be a woman’ is interpreted differently by different people.

I was born female but I didn’t ‘feel’ the way I thought a woman should feel. That’s undoubtedly down partly to gender stereotypes and partly to my profound unhappiness.

If you ask another trans person why they didn’t feel like their birth sex theyll probably have their own interpretation.

Likewise, if I ask you what it feels like to be a woman, your answer may differ from that of the woman next to you.

In a perfect world, you’d be born how you were born, and you’d never question if you ‘felt’ like that sex because it wouldn’t be relevant to however they wanted to live their life

But whilst society chooses to dress baby girls in pink and boys in blue,
And women have to fight to get in to ‘male’ dominated jobs, and men’s and women’s sexuality is assumed if they don’t dress or act or be a certain way.

Then that’s not going to happen.

If people weren’t allowed to legally or surgically make changes to their body or gender, they’d have to live with it, or chose not to. And maybe then more effort would be put in to mental health

But people have been allowed to make legal and surgical changes

And the world still clings to stereotypes

So we just have to make the best of it unfortunately