Ask me anything about my experience as a trans man who wholeheartedly defends women’s rights

[13J]

I really didn’t know how to title this.
But I’ve replied to a couple of posts over the last few days regarding trans people and the SC ruling.

For those who haven’t seen my previous posts.

i’m in my mid 30s.
i transitioned at 18, started testosterone at 20 and had full top and bottom surgery at 25. I also hold a GRC. I am told I pass extremely well, and most people are quite surprised if they learn I’m trans after having known me a while.

HOWEVER,
As much as I believe that everyone’s right are important, I do not believe eradicating women’s rights in the name of trans rights is okay.

i do not believe single sex spaces should be invaded by the opposite sex, and that people should be made to feel uncomfortable in their safe spaces.

I KNOW you cannot change your sex. I know I have not changed my biological sex.

i know I have a surgically altered female body, not a male one.

i have been rejected by most trans people and in most trans inclusive spaces for disagreeing with the loud minority on these points.

I’ve been called transphobic on many occasions because of it,

And as I have become older, I have come to a deeper understanding that gender is nothing more than a social concept, and while I am happy in my life and the choices I made.
i am not sure I would make the same ones again if I knew then what I know now.

So I just wanted to open this post up and say if anyone would like to know anything further about what I’ve experienced or my personal beliefs. Then feel free to ask, I will answer as openly and honestly as possible and no topic is off limits.

i am speaking only for myself, not for other trans people, but I suspect that many of them feel this way, they are just afraid to voice it because of the backlash they’d receive.

It's very clear to me that the barriers put in the way of reasonable suggestions like this is because there is, and always has been, the agenda of social affirmation.

It's very clear to me that the barriers put in the way of reasonable suggestions like this is because there is, and always has been, the agenda of social affirmation.

@Shortshriftandlethal

i would consider myself bisexual but am in a gay relationship and have no issue with most people assuming I am gay.

I have been accepted with the gay community as a man both before and after surgery and I would describe the men I’ve dated to be typical gay men. They identify as gay.

I do have an artificial penis, there’s another reply somewhere above that goes in to a bit of detail about that, I did not have an erectile device fitted tho so that’s a consideration for any sexual partner, because I can’t perform penetrative sex without the use of a toy/strapon
But that would apply regardless of who I dated.

Can I ask, do you achieve orgasm? If not are you okay with not?, sorry for being so personal but if the clitorus is buried then it must be impossible?

And thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It's very enlightening. I suspect that the reasons for transitioning as a FtoM are not related to fetishism which it often can be in men who transition.

Thanks again for sharing, it helps so much to have reasoned lived experience as part of this conversation.

I just dropped in to say that I wish I were surprised by the backstory you describe, but sadly I'm not - I have heard a variation on this over and over.

I'm very sorry you experienced all of that - it very genuinely makes me deeply sad and angry for you and other women and girls similarly treated - and I wish you every happiness.

@Shortshriftandlethal

i suppose it’s a mental thing. I identify as male, I live and have done for half of my life as a man. I have fought hard to be viewed as a man and had to prove myself constantly to get there.

if men aren’t allowed on female wards (and I agree), then in my mind. I don’t belong there either.

And I am conscious of the comfort of the women around me.

When I was 18, prior to hormones and surgery. Very new in to my transition, I was assaulted. And police took me to a women’s aid hostel for safety.

On the way up to my room on three occasions, I was stopped by residents who wanted to know why I was there because they looked at me and saw a teenage boy.

Two days later I was moved to a mixed hostel because my presence made women in the women’s aid uncomfortable

And if that was before I had a beard, deep voice, chest and artificial penis. Then I don’t imagine they’re going to feel more comfortable now.

I know in a lot of cases you can tell, and if you could tell you wouldn’t feel threatened
But if you couldn’t tell, and everything I’ve ever heard tells me that you can’t tell with me, you’d feel very unhappy about. And rightly so.

I don’t want to put women through that.

@Silversixpenny
My experience is that with me, people haven’t immediately been able to tell. In fact some people have been in my life a while before I’ve told them and they genuinely had no idea.

See my previous post about ny experience with women’s aid.

Thank you for answering all these questions so openly. I feel very strongly on the woman’s rights/trans rights topic and seek information from all sides. I really can’t understate how much you doing an AMA is appreciated. Particularly with such horrible childhood experiences to disclose and intimate details of medical operations and sex life being asked about. Im glad you feel happy in your life now

You are not a gay transman, you are a straight woman.

How old were you when you ' transitioned,' and do you think health professionals should havev pushed upuvdown the route of more therapy to learn to accept yourself, rather than surgery and hormones?

You say you use disabled toilets. Do you have a disability?

@NImumconfused
Absolutely
I began my transition in England.and had surgery there and I now live in NI.

There’s much less acceptance here, much less medical provision and much less understanding.

in face currently there is no provision for hormone treatment or surgery in NI and hasn’t been for years.

An NI transman has surgery (has to be done in England) and wasn’t happy with the results so he sued the clinic. Which lead the NI gender clinic to suspend any dealing with the clinic and it’s been ongoing years.

im able to stay on hormones because my GP can prescribe but its not being monitored tbe way it should.
And god knows what would happen if I had a surgical complication.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, really I am. I also think uou are very brave to live as you believe you should when I, before Wed, as many women have had to, have kept my mouth shut. You're far braver than me.

@Dmsandfloatydress
i do.
But it varies. A nerve is taken from the clit when connecting the artificial penis to provide some sexual sensation. But how successful this is varies widely.

I have some sensation. But although the clot is buried you can still feel it beneath the skin in what is now rhe scrotum. So you can touch it through the skin and still feel pleasure.

it’s really about trying things and finding what works for you

@1SillySossij
Sexuality is personal and different to everyone. I describe myself as a gay transman
My biologically male husband describes himself as gay.

You are entitled to disagree but you aren’t entitled to tell me who or what I am, The law says I am a man. When I married it had to legally be a same sex marriage.
I don’t make the laws I just live within them.

Bur to answer your other question. Yes, more probably should’ve been done to get me appropriate therapy but whether that would’ve led to me not transitioning I have no idea.

Thank you for answeringmy questions. That's fascinating actually. I had no idea . I assume you will have had a full hysterectomy to prevent periods if you have sewn up your vagina. There must still be a discharge build up? Sounds very drastic and the side effects must be difficult to live with. Do you think these problems should be more widely discussed as many dysphoria young women may think it's simple.

@mylittlekomododragon

i do yes, I am registered blind and used disabled toilets long before I transitioned.

But I assume the point you were making was that if I wasn’t disabled I shouldn’t use those facilities.

So tell me this,
if a non disabled trans man can’t use a disabled toilet because they aren’t disabled.

But legally they debt use the men’s because they’re biologically female

But they can’t use the ladies because they look and sound like a man,

Then where are they supposed to go?
When people talk about ‘third spaces’ the only third space available is a disabled facility unless you’re proposing separate facilities be built.

Thanks for your candour Op, very interesting thread.

I'm also in Norn Iron, (well, faraway England atm with in laws but home tomorrow 🥳) & am curious

1. do you live in Belfast? Even being gay is very difficult for people in my mid size but backward town. I know you say you pass as a man but this is usually not the case for TW so wondering how your TW friends find people respond to them in general
2. of the LGB folk you know in NI do you think they are/were mostly supportive of TW using female toilets & accessing single sex spaces etc? Have you encountered much appetite to separate the T from the LGB or is it something that isn’t discussed much in your friendship group?

I’m GC & very much left leaning politically but most of my friends, straight & gay are very pro trans & dismissive of e.g. the concerns for women & risks to trans people from surgery & affirmation. Broadly all the churchy folk I know won’t entertain any notions of trans, (I’m a recovering Presbyterian). It feels like a very polarising issue here but maybe that’s just my individual experience?

@Dmsandfloatydress
i have has a hysterectomy yes, but it was also optional.

I do think most more information should be available tho. About the risks of the surgery and the realities of it.

Sorry I have another question. Thank you for being so open about your surgery.

It sounds horrific but glad you have the outcome you wanted. Do you think giving it cute names like bottom and top surgery is appropriate or that it undermines the severity and risk? Did you underestimate the severity or were you mentally prepared?

I really hope in the future that those questioning their gender are given an opportunity to speak to a range of people before taking irreversible steps. They may still decide it's right for them but someone as self aware as you seem to be would provide a very useful perspective that I'd hope can't be written off as transphobic and therefore ignored.

I became interested in the gender debate because I was a classic tomboy. I get on better with men, have only ever had all male flatmates etc. I wonder if this would have appealed to me had it been a thing then. I didn't understand that women are disadvantaged until I was a fair bit older (at school and uni it didn't make much difference). But as I've got older and become a mother (something my younger self would have said I didn't want) the differences have become much more apparent.

@buckeejit
i am in Belfast yes,

I don’t have any T friend here
I tried to get invoked with the trans community when I moved and was told essentially to go away because I wasn’t welcome because I wasn’t ’from here’

I think I’ve been lucky because I came here and met people as a man and they got to know me before they found out I was trans

I’m sure my experience would’ve been different if I was born here, even in Belfast it’s a very small place where everyone knows everyone.

I think it must be very hard for both trans men and women who don’t pass tho.

just seen this thread and wanted to say that if all trans folk were like you, all this ghastly court business wouldnt have been necessary. I’m sorry these other people have stirred up a lot of bad feeling. It’s not fair on people like you just trying to get on with their own lives minding their own business

Thank you for your candour. Very much appreciated. I'm glad that you feel happy and comfortable in your choices and I'm so very sorry for your dreadful childhood experiences. Third spaces are needed now and I wish that had been where this movement had started instead of being hijacked by male entitlement.