Best responses for being asked for pronouns in person

[Seraphinite]

I’m going to a residential training course (not UK) and I suspect they will ask us for pronouns when we introduce ourselves on day one. (I’ve been to something with this organization before and have seen it)

What are some good responses I can give? Is saying ‘I prefer not to say’ best?

I don’t want to draw attention to it, be adversarial or open up discussion, I just don’t want to answer.

(For avoidance of doubt, I don’t buy in to gender ideology so that’s why I don’t want to answer. To me, stating my pronouns indicates I think it’s an ok question to ask in the first place )

The cat’s mother.

In reality, I’d say ‘what are pronouns?’ Followed by ‘why do you need to know?’

'be prepared for some people to be confused as to what to call you as a result).'

I've never, in my long life, been confused about what pronouns to use for someone. It's something that would only be confusing if one creates a made-up set of 'rules' that are counter intuitive and quite often contrary to socially accepted reality.

This is the point, of course. Destabilisation and an attempt to control other people's perception.

But @LurcherLot, in practice it is perfectly obvious which pronouns to use for someone 99.999% of the time, based on their name and physical appearance. This is the case for trans people too - as they typically choose a new name of their preferred gender and dress accordingly. The only exceptions are:

1. Non-binary people, which is an identity I consider rather try-hard in a work context
2. People with unisex names or names from non-European backgrounds which are unfamiliar to most of their colleagues, who also have a nonstandard gender presentation. This is such a small group that I don't think we need to invent a whole pronoun-based performance just for them.

I clearly said in my comment if OP doesn't want to give his pronouns he should just skip it or say he'd rather not.

@LurcherLot

I clearly said in my comment if OP doesn't want to give his pronouns he should just skip it or say he'd rather not.

And that she’d face an awkward time being called thingy

That’s not really true is it

We’ve managed for however long not having to introduce ourselves with pronouns

@StellaAndCrow

"I think pronouns are wank"

@LurcherLot

I clearly said in my comment if OP doesn't want to give his pronouns he should just skip it or say he'd rather not.

What a surprise that you'd assume the default pronouns are male.

@JoanOgden

But *@LurcherLot*, in practice it is perfectly obvious which pronouns to use for someone 99.999% of the time, based on their name and physical appearance. This is the case for trans people too - as they typically choose a new name of their preferred gender and dress accordingly. The only exceptions are:

1. Non-binary people, which is an identity I consider rather try-hard in a work context
2. People with unisex names or names from non-European backgrounds which are unfamiliar to most of their colleagues, who also have a nonstandard gender presentation. This is such a small group that I don't think we need to invent a whole pronoun-based performance just for them.

I think there are a few more exceptions than that, to be honest, quite a few people for various reasons might have names, physiologies or presentations that don't make their pronouns immediately obvious. But even if they are a tiny minority, if you do happen to have one of those exceptions in your group, what harm does it do just to say "my pronouns are she/her" when this is apparently genuinely your preference and what you expect people to call you anyway?

I thought the consensus was that it's my own choice what pronouns I use for people? If I've gotten OP's pronouns wrong and he's not comfortable with that then maybe there is some merit in stating a preference after all?

My concern is that I’m expected to remember what pronouns a hundred different people have requested, and if I forget I’ll be demonised as “misgendering” someone. It’s impossible to remember them all.

@LurcherLot

I thought the consensus was that it's my own choice what pronouns I use for people? If I've gotten OP's pronouns wrong and he's not comfortable with that then maybe there is some merit in stating a preference after all?

What you do this in a meeting if someone didn’t announce their pronoun? Call someone female he

Wondering how far you’d take it

Yeah, that would be pretty rude of me, wouldn't it?

It's almost like getting people's pronouns right actually is important for polite interactions.

@LurcherLot

Yeah, that would be pretty rude of me, wouldn't it?

It's almost like getting people's pronouns right actually is important for polite interactions.

Yes it would be.

Luckily I’ve never had anyone get it wrong, it’s pretty obvious, so I don’t need to announce my pronoun. No ‘thingy’ here, what about you, did you get this?

It doesn’t mean others have to do the same. If they wish to announce for whatever reason go for it.

@LuckyWookie

My concern is that I’m expected to remember what pronouns a hundred different people have requested, and if I forget I’ll be demonised as “misgendering” someone. It’s impossible to remember them all.

This is a pretty catastrophizing take, to be honest. In practice, most people's pronouns will match their presentation. If you get someone's wrong, the worst that will likely happen is they'll politely correct you. If you're really not sure, you can say, "I'm sorry, could you just remind me -"

Again, it's really no different to being told someone's name, and the same social nicities apply if you get it wrong or forget. Remembering the names of 20 people as you go round a circle is hard too, but weirdly no one suggests we shouldn't ever introduce ourselves as a result - because we recognise why it matters and know what to do if we get it wrong or can't remember.

Out-woke them. "You know asking for pronouns is against the Yogyakarta Principles, right?"

"Pronouns? Bloody hell I'll have enough trouble trying to remember people's names! I'm pretty sure its obvious that I'm female..."

Does anyone watch the kominsky method on Netflix? Fun episode ( and somewhat surprising )with Morgan Freeman playing a gender fluid character and doing a scene with all the pronouns. Wish I had a clip but couldn't find one.

what harm does it do just to say "my pronouns are she/her

What harm does it do to not say this?

In the words of Roy Walker, say what you see!

Although that could potentially backfire! 😂

Yes, Marsha, I've had people get my pronouns wrong, I have a physically androgynous appearance coupled with a gender non-conforming presentation. Just because it's never happened to you, doesn't mean it's never happened.

As I've stated clearly several times now I don't think anyone should have to announce their pronouns if they don't want to. But I also don't think it's half the big deal some of you are making out to either just say "I'd rather not" or to just bloomin' well say them, since I'm willing to bet most of you actually would be a bit put out if someone got them persistently wrong. What's the worst that could happen, someone in a different situation to you actually might feel a bit more comfortable in the group? Oh no the horror.

"I think pronouns are wank"
That's my favourite.

If you'd rather people call you "um" or "thingy" or "them overthere" then by all means withhold that information. That's what given names are for, no?

@LurcherLot

Yes, Marsha, I've had people get my pronouns wrong, I have a physically androgynous appearance coupled with a gender non-conforming presentation. Just because it's never happened to you, doesn't mean it's never happened.

As I've stated clearly several times now I don't think anyone should have to announce their pronouns if they don't want to. But I also don't think it's half the big deal some of you are making out to either just say "I'd rather not" or to just bloomin' well say them, since I'm willing to bet most of you actually would be a bit put out if someone got them persistently wrong. What's the worst that could happen, someone in a different situation to you actually might feel a bit more comfortable in the group? Oh no the horror.

Ok I’ll say I’d rather not, I don’t think anyone should get annoyed with that.

As I said in first post I wouldn’t make a big deal, and actually wouldn’t want it to become a point of interest, but yes I’ll opt out as unobtrusively as I can.

Although ‘surprise me’ made me laugh, and would do in a meeting, I wouldn’t have the gumption to say it.

what harm does it do just to say "my pronouns are she/her
What harm does it do to not say this?

I recently had a similar conversation with a person of my acquaintance. The context was workplaces where people put their pronouns on their email sign-off. He thinks that stating your pronouns if you're someone like me or him (plain old woman and man, she/her and he/him) acknowledges that you are privileged not to have to and shows you're an ally to those who do have to.

Personally I think if you want/need to give pronouns please do; but I don't feel the need to.

I say my name is “Apple Strudel” if asked for a pronoun I just repeat my name is “Apple Strudel”

That sums it up rather well. I don't want to be an ally so I'll opt out, thanks.