It is unacceptable for me to feel that I don’t like men?

[OliverBabish]

I got asked by my boss if I “hate men” - he’s not my boss anymore thankfully but my honest response is that I don’t like men very much. I’m not being an arse about it either - I’ve married a man, I’m aware there are ‘good men’ or whatever - that is truly how I feel.

Ignorant of me but I didn’t even know misandry was a thing (or that there was a word for it) until really recently.

Experience (and my job) has shown me time and time again that men are far more of a problem in our day to day society than women. I know I’d probably get into loads of trouble at work if I actually voiced that opinion, but generally speaking, is it that unacceptable for me to feel this way? Am I wrong to think like this? It doesn’t affect how I treat men, it’s just how I feel.

I agree. Honestly if I was at the point where my boss asked if I hate men (assuming it's not completely out of the blue, but it doesn't sound like it is), I'd have to ask myself some serious questions about my behaviour at work. You're entitled to your feelings but they should never cross over into a professional environment in that way imo.

What a weird take. If my boss asked me that question I would be asking myself serious questions about my boss.

OP, you're entitled to feel however you feel about whatever you feel.

Thoughts, emotions, feelings are yours and yours alone.

There are plenty of rules, laws and regulations about how we interact with others, which is as it should be. We shouldn't and aren't allowed to discriminate against people or act badly.

How we feel is up to us.

'Love men, couldn't eat a whole one though' is my stock answer to this as a pp said, or 'some of my best friends are men' if I think the person asking will get the allusion.

But really. Noone's asking men 'why do you hate women', are they? And they must hate us because they murder us and rape us and harass us and discriminate against us. So why is women's very sensible response to that a problem?

For those currently married Inc @OliverBabish how do you align being married with fundamentally disliking the essence of who your partner is? Is it well mine is different or well I try to overlook his deficiencies to keep the family together?
What about children - son's, grandsons? I'm not sure what kind of relationship my boys could have with a relative disliked them on principle of their penis, even of they made efforts to not act it out

@SleepingStandingUp I can’t speak for others but I know that it’s been something that is pretty much constantly discussed in one way or another in our marriage. Both DH and I work on the “frontline” of public service and so many of our conversations start from something that’s happened at work that day. That then sort of feeds into the ongoing bigger discussion of the imbalance that exists between his sex and mine. He’s fully aware of how I feel - I don’t trash him, but I do highlight things as and when they come up. And he sometimes might challenge me on it - it’s a healthy, realistic discourse. I think it helps that DH sees things on a daily basis that reinforce why I feel the way I do.

I shudder to think about having the same conversations that I have with DH with some of my former partners. It just wouldn’t happen.

FWIW I have a male family member who feels the same as you do, OP. He has arrived at this position due to extensive experience observing in courts. It is a sad position, but one could say it is fairly logical.

Wow. just wow.

If I (or anyone else) said I don't like black people because they statistically commit more crime, we'd be lynched as racists.

Misandry is a thing, and it's just as wrong as misogyny.

“If you said you didn't like black people it would be unacceptable so whys this any different?“

Please don’t use POC to make a point. It’s a false equivalence anyway - black people don’t disproportionately rape, murder and oppress people the way men do.

I think it’s fair enough OP. I don’t dislike men but I’m constantly disappointed by them. I have a lot of strong female friends, the men I know pale in comparison.

@FixTheBone

Wow. just wow.

If I (or anyone else) said I don't like black people because they statistically commit more crime, we'd be lynched as racists.

Misandry is a thing, and it's just as wrong as misogyny.

I don’t see the two things as equal in comparison.

On the most basic level, say that black people do statistically commit more crime, that would have more to do with the socioeconomic status they’ve been given and trapped in due to systemic racism.

In my opinion, men have the upper hand in every single way. Me not liking men is very different to racism.

If I (or anyone else) said I don't like black people because they statistically commit more crime, we'd be lynched as racists.
Except noone has said they don't like men because they statistically commit more crime. We've said various things about how we individually feel about men based on our own personal experiences of living with and interacting with men.

I like a lot of men. I don't dislike men as a group and I don't hate men as a group.

I'm wary of men I don't know and I'm distrustful of them. Because my personal experience is they are quite likely to secually assault me, harass me or stalk me. It's not about experience.

Incidentally all those men have been white.

Should say its about experience not statistics

I don’t like men as a whole, I know that there a good men, I love my father and my brother, I think my brother in law is a good man, my grandad and great grandad were good men. Just on the whole I don’t like men because they pose me too much of a threat and I can’t trust them.

I’m a lesbian, I did date men when I was younger (was closeted) and I’ve found that not having a romantic interest in men and dating women instead has opened my eyes to poor behaviour that is often tolerated and justified in heterosexual relationships and sexual encounters that you just don’t tend to experience with women.

I think it’s easy to say you don’t like men when you have daughters.

I disagree with you 100% and think it’s a shocking statement but you can’t help the way you feel. I think this is going backwards, I wish there was less of an us v then when it comes to sex, race, religion, etc. But maybe I’m naive!

@Theswitch

I think it’s easy to say you don’t like men when you have daughters.

I disagree with you 100% and think it’s a shocking statement but you can’t help the way you feel. I think this is going backwards, I wish there was less of an us v then when it comes to sex, race, religion, etc. But maybe I’m naive!

Perhaps. I worry for my daughters a lot though (in terms of their safety as they move further through the world) and I think if I were a mother to a boy that I would worry in a different way. I wouldn’t be a horrible mother to a boy... it’s not like that. I wouldn’t love him less.

I'm sure you'd love him Equally but not being liked Equally is just as damaging. I can't imagine looking at my son's and thinking well in all likelihood you'll grow up to be abusive, sexually coercive and oppressing the chances of your sisters, and that's at best. The kids fight over a toy and seeing sexism instead of kids etc.

I'm not sure your and your husband's mutual dislike for men is particularly healthy unless he's being held above his kind and to be better than he ought to be.

Does anyone who dislikes men as a class have son's? How does that work ou

I suppose it's okay as long as you don't have sons! It could limit your life a bit at work though.

Is it mainly the power differential? Maybe try putting yourself in positions where women have the power (e.g. female boss and female majority). Men can be more reasonable in those situations.

But even then, you may have SILs and grandsons one day.

I dislike most men, I like some of them.
Like I said up thread I find most of my interactions with men at best boring or disappointing and at worst abusive.
Ive got a son, obviously I love him more than anyone else in the world and I hope he will grow up to be a nice likable man.
Hes the age now where we are talking about sex and consent in that context, standing up for whats right, healthy ways of dealing with emotions.
I dont think your own kids count, in the same way im ambivalent about other peoples children, I love my own and like him.

I have three sons, sorry I can’t say ‘I don’t like men’ and not see them as being included. They will become men, they are gorgeous amazing boys but they will ultimately become men.

So I find it sad that people automatically don’t like them just because they were born with a penis!

Why are people conflating 'I dont like men' with 'I hate my sons'?

@TheInebriati I’m not confusing that at all - ‘I don’t like men’ is conflicting when you have three boys who will turn into men.

It’s easy if you have daughters, sorry it is.

It saddens me that there are people out there that won’t like them as a class, purely because they are men! No confusion at all - just a difference of opinion...

I have two sons who I love dearly. Am on top of any misogyny. Hopefully they will grow up to be good ones although the amount of pressure on the Internet to hate women and feminism does not help

@FixTheBone

Wow. just wow.

If I (or anyone else) said I don't like black people because they statistically commit more crime, we'd be lynched as racists.

Misandry is a thing, and it's just as wrong as misogyny.

The equivalent would be black people saying they don't like white people, fwiw.