porn found

[madwomanacrosstheroad]

My husband's phone is linked to my Dropbox as he had photos of the kids on his phone and we wanted them all on one place. I was looking for something and discovered several porn pictures uploaded onto dropbox.
Asked my husband about this and he stated he was "just messing around". The stuff was "soft porn", the type of stuff I found under my eldest child's bed when he was a young teen.
I am horrified and shocked. My issue is not that he was looking at other women or naked bodies.
It is the exploitative nature of the porno industry, the objectification of women and children. What does that say about our sexual relationship? What does it say about his view of women?
We have been together for a long time. He is quite articulate about politics, the nature of exploitative relationships etc.

[GreenTomatoJam]

Why do you think that? Why do you have such a low opinion of men?

I have that opinion of everyone - so many of us go into Primark without thinking that in order to make clothes this cheap someone must be being paid a pittance, we buy Nestle stuff, despite that company's very questionable behaviour, we go on holiday to Dubai even given their appalling treatment of migrant workers eat Nutella, despite the monocrop that palm-oil plantations are. etc.

Sometimes it's ignorance, sometimes it's just not thinking through how something could be, sometimes it's because you're in dire straits too and can't afford anything else and sometimes it's just that you want some chocolate spread and put the orangutans out of your mind.

I do think that if you've been involved with radical politics for years then that puts a different slant on it though - then that has to be wilfully ignoring everything he knows in order to look at pictures.

[Solobo]

I would go so far to argue that soft porn is equally damaging to those involved then some of the other industries mentioned above.

Most are linked with trafficking, near slave labour and poverty predominant of women.

That said if he knew you would find it very upsetting that in went ahead anyway.

[BertrandRussell]

"Sometimes it's ignorance, sometimes it's just not thinking through how something could be, sometimes it's because you're in dire straits too and can't afford anything else and sometimes it's just that you want some chocolate spread and put the orangutans out of your mind."

Yes, well. When it comes to pornography, once the issues have been pointed out to you, none of the other three apply, do they? And if you've been involved in radical politics, it is unlikely to be ignorance, so in this case none of the above apply.

[itllallbefine]

Surely this would depend on what type of porn it was he was looking at ? I admit, I wouldn't be that happy with it given what sounds like previous moralistic posturing on the issue. I'm not naive enough to assume that my husband is different from other men and doesn't find attractive naked women on tap enticing. It's utterly stupid to state as per Barefoots comment that ALL porn is for giving men a hardon by watching women getting harmed.

[BertrandRussell]

"Surely this would depend on what type of porn it was he was looking at ? I admit, I wouldn't be that happy with it given what sounds like previous moralistic posturing on the issue."

What sort of porn would you deem acceptable?

And what do you mean by "previous moralistic posturing"?

[Theydontknowweknowtheyknow]

Why is everyone giving the OP such a hard time?

She found her DH is looking at porn and she's disappointed. What's so unreasonable about that?

[BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces]

". It's utterly stupid to state as per Barefoots comment that ALL porn is for giving men a hardon by watching women getting harmed."

Not if you consider it inherently harmful for women to be penetrated for money rather than enjoyment.

Which, having read Rachel Moran's book, I do.

[BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces]

But thanks for the "utterly stupid" comment. Duly noted,

[Holowiwi]

Thought the OP said it was soft core porn and just naked womens photos so no penetration is occurring?

[BertrandRussell]

"Why is everyone giving the OP such a hard time?"

I'm not. It's the porn apologists that I can't take.

[BertrandRussell]

Oh, Bearfoot- no "moralistic posturing"!

[Ubik1]

In the end your husband knows the issues but has decided to do it anyway. Surely that's a matter for his conscience?

You can't control everything a partner thinks and does. It's a matter for his conscience.

[BertrandRussell]

"You can't control everything a partner thinks and does. It's a matter for his conscience."

Yep. But for me this would be a deal breaker. So his conscience- and his marriage.

[Branleuse]

do you feel that your partner is just a reflection of yourself, and if he fails, youve failed. Sounds pretty stressful. Sounds lke what hes looked at is really on the milder end of things, and is indication that sometimes he still does objectify random women he finds attractive, even if he tries not to. I mean he has still been brought up in the patriarchy as have we all.

I think you need to take a step back and get it into perspective. Do you even like and value your relationship with him, or him for who he actually is, flaws and all, or do you just want a reflection of yourself who never fails

[GreenTomatoJam]

Yes, well. When it comes to pornography, once the issues have been pointed out to you, none of the other three apply, do they? And if you've been involved in radical politics, it is unlikely to be ignorance, so in this case none of the above apply.

I agree - the radical politics thing came up after I'd suggested the not-thinking, it's clearly not the case here. It pretty much has to be the Nutella, refusing to think about it reason.

[Ubik1]

I understand that it would be a deal breaker for some couples.

But it is also possible to be in a relationship where you fundamentally disagree on certain issues and accept that.

It would not be s deal breaker for me. I don't think it's serious enough to break up a happy partnership.

[BertrandRussell]

"But it is also possible to be in a relationship where you fundamentally disagree on certain issues and accept that."

Really? When it is something as fundamental as thinking it's OK to support an industry that systematically exploits, oppresses and objectifies vulnerable women?

[Ubik1]

Well I suppose the flaw there is: looking at soft core porn = supporting an industry that exploits women.

We make bargains with our conscience all the time

DP put up with me cheerfully frying bacon while he was a committed vegetarian. I've an atheist friend who is married to a vicar.

The other point is that he was viewing a fairly mild version of pornography. You see similar in The Sun ( I think- I haven't looked at that paper for 20 years)

i guess he's just revealed himself to be a morally flawed human being. There are lots of us about.

[BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces]

Itll, this was my actual post, in response to another poster rather than OP:

"Do you think it's ok to get turned on by watching women getting harmed?"

Do you think it is ok?

[BertrandRussell]

Yeah, because having a partner who supports the porn industry is exactly the same as having a partner who's an atheist if you're a Christian............

[Ubik1]

Well whatever.

I probably have lower moral standards than the rest ofyou. Well done you.

I think it's a matter for his conscience. I don't think he is consciously supporting harming wome by downloading some soft core porn.

In the scheme of all the bad things a person could do, it's pretty far down the list.

I'm probably 'minimising' now in not showing virtuous outrage at small
Moral transgressions but what the heck.

[BertrandRussell]

I think the mistake you're making is thinking it's about morality.

[Ubik1]

Well what else is it about?

[BertrandRussell]

It's about not supporting a damaging, exploitative and often criminal industry.

[Branleuse]

we all support harm every day and look away. It is always much easier to take the speck out of someone elses eye rather than our own, and no - an occasional view of soft core porn is not worse than buying a jar of child slave produced coffee or child slave produced chocolate when we know full well what goes on. Treating your loved partner as some sort of social leper because he viewed something politically bad is pretty harsh, but if it really is a deal breaker, then I suggest putting him out of his misery and just finishing with him straight away rather than punishing him but staying anyway on a short leash until he makes the next political faux pas.

You have every right to be anti-porn. I think most people that know anything about the sex industry are going to be aware how problematic it is on so many levels, but the very type of images your partner has viewed are so mild that its a bit unfair to be delving into his thought processes and run him over the coals on a public forum so we can all decide how terrible he is as a person. We are all flawed. Even the most politically aware among us have surely found ourselves being a bit turned on by ideas we might not want to admit to or certainly put up for public debate on occasion?