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Original poster

porn found

202 replies

madwomanacrosstheroad · 03/03/2016 09:40

My husband's phone is linked to my Dropbox as he had photos of the kids on his phone and we wanted them all on one place. I was looking for something and discovered several porn pictures uploaded onto dropbox.
Asked my husband about this and he stated he was "just messing around". The stuff was "soft porn", the type of stuff I found under my eldest child's bed when he was a young teen.
I am horrified and shocked. My issue is not that he was looking at other women or naked bodies.
It is the exploitative nature of the porno industry, the objectification of women and children. What does that say about our sexual relationship? What does it say about his view of women?
We have been together for a long time. He is quite articulate about politics, the nature of exploitative relationships etc.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 08/03/2016 10:26

Theres possibly even more chance that your ipod was made by someone in misery and poverty and with very little agency than the nude picture was

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2016 10:30

Can we agree on a definition of hypocrisy? I thought it meant doing/saying one thing openly and doing/saying another secretly.

chilipepper20 · 08/03/2016 10:34

I thought it meant doing/saying one thing openly and doing/saying another secretly.

they can both be open. Why not?

Branleuse · 08/03/2016 10:34

its ok bertrand. I dont think youre a bad person

BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces · 08/03/2016 10:44

Campaigning?

It's nothing to do with that.

Anyone, particularly any woman, who comes onto MN asking if it's ok to leave her relationship because she is unhappy with her DP's behaviour is, rightly, supported in her decision making.

I haven't said, and in fact rarely say, LTB. Would have to scroll up to see if Bertrand did, back when this thread was about the OP.

What I always do say though is, if the behaviour isn't acceptable to you, if you feel unhappy or disregarded, leaving is always an option. You have agency to make that choice, regardless of what the world thinks of your reasons.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2016 10:45

"I thought it meant doing/saying one thing openly and doing/saying another secretly.

they can both be open. Why not?"

Because then it's not hypocrisy. It's just someone openly not living up to your impossibly hight standards.

Happy to continue the debate if others wish to. Can't be arsed if it descends into piss taking, though.

BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces · 08/03/2016 10:51

It seems Bertrand didn't say LTB either and the thread stopped being about OP and her relationship in the middle of p1, for which I take part of the responsibility.

I agree with Bertrand re meaning of hypocrisy.

Branleuse · 08/03/2016 10:54

Hypocrisy is the contrivance of a false appearance of virtue or goodness, while concealing real character or inclinations, esp. with respect to religious and moral beliefs; hence in general sense, dissimulation, pretense, sham. It is the practice of engaging in the same behavior or activity for which one criticizes another.[1] In moral psychology, it is the failure to follow one’s own expressed moral rules and principles.[2]

It occurs when mechanisms and modules in the human brain - which evolved independently, in response to selection pressures, that varied over vast ranges of time and of place - contradict each other. These contradictions are normal, constant, and persistent. It is a cause, as well as a result, of cognitive biases and distortions which predispose humans to effortlessly perceive and condemn faults in others, while failing to perceive and condemn faults of their own.

according to wiki

cadnowyllt · 08/03/2016 11:02

Branleuse - They are very good on this board at condemning others (might be known as 'blamers' on other sites).

As was written down some time ago now - let he (or possibly she in this instance) that is without sin, let them cast the first stone.

chilipepper20 · 08/03/2016 11:13

Happy to continue the debate if others wish to. Can't be arsed if it descends into piss taking, though.

I wasn't piss taking. I don't understand your objection to my use (maybe it is someone else's?) of hypocrisy.

It's just someone openly not living up to your impossibly hight standards.

as I said, which you did not address, it has nothing to do with high standards or solving the world's problems. it's the huge disconnect of standards in seemingly similar scenarios. one is a leaving offence; the other is nothing.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2016 11:16

I didn't say other things were nothing. I said that this thread is about porn. Lots of other things could be deal breakers too.

Dervel · 08/03/2016 11:19

I could muster a defense of porn if I was really inclined, mainly from the idea that sexual desire is natural. However there is one thing that I do not like about it. Sex is something you do with someone. The fact is that pornography segregates us.

Feelings of desire and even lust are something best shared with someone, not inflicted on them. Doesn't have to be in a long term relationship, but there has to be a base level of respect and communication. There shouldn't be trickery, coercion or force. Boundaries must be observed or the liberating qualities of good sex can't be achieved.

As far as I have gotten with it is that sex makes you vulnerable and indeed women more so than men. We have collectively fetishised this additional female vulnerability of which both men and women have bought into thus further obsfucating matters further.

The majority of porn caters to men, when our collective erotic fantasies include women as more than passive participants and things are done "with someone" as opposed to "to them" it may reflect a healthier overall attitude to sex. Until then it takes something that should bring us together and makes it push us apart.

BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces · 08/03/2016 13:08

Good post Dervel

SomeDyke · 08/03/2016 14:23

I think this thread has derailed because someone opted for the 'porn production harms women' line (I'm NOT saying that porn production doesn't harm people, before anyone tries that derail as well!), rather than porn in and of itself is harmful to women in the current patriarchy. Objectification and the male gaze, the sort of objectification of women that also leads to the humungous numbers of women reporting sexual harassment in the street, as reported in todays news.

It's just luck after all, that some men stick to wanking over pictures of women in private, whilst others prefer to do it whilst looking at real women at the back of the bus.

....And please don't attempt to tell me I'm not allowed to complain about the latter unless I stop buying Nescafe and throw away my ipod (which is actually a historical artifact that I've kept going for years by replacing the hard drive and battery, so all apple had off me was the original price of the third generation ipod with the dock connector from 2003. So although a debit for using apple at all, a big PLUS for the recycle/reuse/repair?. If I just bought and used second-hand ipods off ebay, scavenging for parts, would that be better still? How many would I have to recycle before I was allowed to comment on porn?? :-) Oh, the complicated moral accounting required, I plead compound interest on my lesbianism!).

SomeDyke · 08/03/2016 14:24

I think this thread has derailed because someone opted for the 'porn production harms women' line (I'm NOT saying that porn production doesn't harm people, before anyone tries that derail as well!), rather than porn in and of itself is harmful to women in the current patriarchy. Objectification and the male gaze, the sort of objectification of women that also leads to the humungous numbers of women reporting sexual harassment in the street, as reported in todays news.

It's just luck after all, that some men stick to wanking over pictures of women in private, whilst others prefer to do it whilst looking at real women at the back of the bus.

....And please don't attempt to tell me I'm not allowed to complain about the latter unless I stop buying Nescafe and throw away my ipod (which is actually a historical artifact that I've kept going for years by replacing the hard drive and battery, so all apple had off me was the original price of the third generation ipod with the dock connector from 2003. So although a debit for using apple at all, a big PLUS for the recycle/reuse/repair?. If I just bought and used second-hand ipods off ebay, scavenging for parts, would that be better still? How many would I have to recycle before I was allowed to comment on porn?? :-) Oh, the complicated moral accounting required, I plead compound interest on my lesbianism!).

chilipepper20 · 08/03/2016 14:31

And please don't attempt to tell me I'm not allowed to complain about the latter unless I stop buying Nescafe and throw away my ipod

I never said that. I said that it surprises me that one is a leaving offence, and the other doesn't even merit a tut-tut.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2016 14:36

"I think this thread has derailed because someone opted for the 'porn production harms women' line (I'm NOT saying that porn production doesn't harm people, before anyone tries that derail as well!), rather than porn in and of itself is harmful to women in the current patriarchy."

That was probably me. I thought people might be more likely to accept the actual harm caused to women in the production of porn rather than a more fundamental philosophical objection. Usually any mention of the patriarchy or objectification gets howled down by a mob of "you're overthinking it"-ers.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2016 14:38

I never said that. I said that it surprises me that one is a leaving offence, and the other doesn't even merit a tut-tut."

You keep saying this. Where did you get it from?

chilipepper20 · 08/03/2016 14:41

You keep saying this. Where did you get it from?

you said it was a deal breaker, and other things weren't. in fact, the other things are so unobjectionable that they haven't changed your spending habits.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2016 14:44

No I didn't. I said there were other deal breakers but this thread was about porn. I even invited you to start a new thread to discuss other ones.

chilipepper20 · 08/03/2016 14:49

Yep. But for me this would be a deal breaker. So his conscience- and his marriage.

that's a quote from you (page 2). Did I misinterpret?

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2016 15:17

For ME this would be a deal breaker. I didn't say it was the only deal breaker..........

chilipepper20 · 08/03/2016 15:40

I am not sure what you are not understanding. Of course it's not the only deal breaker for YOU (or anyone else. I'd like to think if you found out your oh was an axe murderer that would be a deal breaker also). What puzzles me is that among the topics we have discussed, one is a deal breaker, and another you care about so little you continue to purchase the products, yet the harm is similar. that's what I don't get. it's the disparity between how serious you think things that cause similar amounts of harm are, which makes me suspect it's not about the harm.

BertrandRussell · 08/03/2016 15:54

One last try. Then I give up.

I agree. I should give up Apple products ( although I think the apple thing is a bit of a red herring- all electronics companies are equally culpable-there is no ethical electronics) But I haven't. So using it can hardly be a deal breaker for me- however much I wish it could be.

Porn is exploitative and damaging- both to the people involved in it and everyone else. It perpetuates a mysogynist culture that damages all women, perpetuates the patriarchy and complete skews young people's view of sex and relationships. It is damaging to the individual that uses it as well as the people that make it. So using it would probably be a deal breaker. Using it while understanding the issues and pretending not to use it would definitely be a deal breaker.

Giving up mobile phones is hard. Probably impossible for most people. Giving up porn? Not so much. So why wouldn't you?

BarefootAcrossHotLegoPieces · 08/03/2016 16:00

Great post, Bertrand.