Men who fantasise about rape (Trigger?)

[alicemalice]

Hope I don't trigger anyone with this thread.

I've been online dating for a bit and chatting to this guy who I seemed to have a lot in common with.

Looking at his answers on Okcupid, there's one that said 'Do you have fantasies about rape?' to which he replied, yes.

This really bothers me. I understand it's not real and I suspect rape fantasies are quite common. But still, I find it very off-putting.

I also find it odd that he answered it so publicly.

Are rape fantasies so common they're seen as fairly normal?

Oh Joe FFS grow up - haven't you heard of Britney Spears?

Can I also say, it's not all BDSM that bothers me, but specifically men who get off on dominating and hurting women.

Where do you stand, Joe, on women who get off on dominating and hurting men?

I have heard of Britney Spears. Do you mean the video in which she's dressed as a schoolgirl?

No, I don't think that was good. Propagating the sexualization of children is categorically a problem in my view. The world does not need it.

Oh okay - well I was just pointing out that it's actually a fairly widespread fantasy.

Of course, you are entitled to your opinion - does your partner not have any fantasies? Do you and your partner (if you have one of course! If not one at present, then a past partner) not share fantasies? Never do anything different in the bedroom or out of it?

Well, I kind of see that from a feminist angle...but it still repels a bit. Sorry, that's just me..

I just can't get my head round that kind of stuff. Like you say, it's a personal thing I guess.

Britney Spears thing is a huge problem given the exploitation of young girls. I can see that many wouldn't cross that line but I feel it does legitimise the thought processes of those that do.

Yes, everyone has fantasies. But if I met someone who wanted me to pretend to rape her I'd run a mile, to be honest.

And Joe, that's grand for you, and you are entitled completely to your stance on it.

But so are other people. And those of us who do enjoy a kink or two are allowed to have those desires respected - as long as they are done between two consenting adults - SSC and all that.

And wouldn't you rather know from the get-go that someone isn't for you because your sexuality isn't compatible, than go on 4 or 8 or 10 dates, then start to get jiggy and when the pants come off you realise you're completely incompatible? I'd rather know from the start and not waste my time, tbh.

Sorry if this has already been said - but the questions on OK Cupid aren't written by the company themselves, anybody can add a question and then you get sent a random selection. I suppose they must weed them out, though, but I think the idea of a "rape fantasy" is mainstream enough that they wouldn't bother.

It's problematic. The idea of a "rape fantasy" is absolutely nothing to do with rape. It's one of three things, either a "stranger finds me so incredibly attractive he can't help himself" fantasy or an "I would love somebody to go one step ahead of my arousal" fantasy, or it's based in religious/cultural shame about having sex and a freedom from those roles, because you don't have to be in control or enjoy it (but you secretly are enjoying it).

Rape can't be a fantasy, it's an oxymoron. If something's a fantasy then you want it, ergo it's not rape. Rape is sex that you don't want.

It's lazy naming and I wish people would call it something else. I have no problem with people having whatever consensual fantasy they like but you can't consent to rape and you can't have a rape fantasy.

Yes but you can have a fantasy about raping someone. That's different.

Yes you can.

How is it different? How is it? As long as it stays a fantasy, and gets played out in an SSC environment, and as long as it's done in the same way as the "rape"fantasy from the other view (ie it's not rape, because it's all consensual) how is it different?

I said the same thing further upthread Bertie but thought I'd originally picked up the thought from someone I'd read on here. Wonder if it was you on some previous thread.

I don't think we can bridge the gap on threads like this between people with different sexualities. However I am glad I live in a country where it is fine to be gay or bisexual as much as it is to be straight and a vast range of sexual practices and fantasies between consenting adults are allowed. The key issue is consent.

You just have to make sure you end up with a partner whose fantasies sufficiently gel with yours.

And yes to what Bertie said - a rape fantasy is a fantasy but it's not rape.

Bertie is saying, in those scenarios, they're not actually fantasising about rape because it's consensual. Therefore it's not rape.

Whereas if you fantasise about raping someone, you could be enjoying the fact the other person isn't consenting. Therefore it's a genuine rape fantasy.

Yes, I know Alice. But what I'm saying is there is no difference in the judgement put on either of the two parties in a rape fantasy scenario - "scene" if you wish

One of the strangest ones was about women's hair. He wanted to have it cut - £200 a time. That was a weird one. Other men want some kind of financial domination - again I am not into that but they basically pay you. Another interesting one is having a woman lactate for you - again not my thing. It is all about matching likes with likes and being sure they are not just saying what they think you want to hear but genuinely are into the same things.

Of course a rape fantasy isn't rape - and I suppose neither is a consensual play acting of one. However, that's not really the point here. The question is, if a man gets off on the thought of raping women, what does that tell you about him?

The same as what it tells you if a woman gets off on the idea of raping a man? Albeit with a strap-on.

I fantasize about all sorts of very unsavory things.

They're fantasies - that's the point.

Yes, most women and men do as Nancy Friday found out about 30+ years ago. That is how people are and can make sex a lot of fun. It is not a moral wrong. It is how many people are made and we should delight ni the differences between people. It would be a boring world if we all wanted sex in the same way. However if you do have particular needs you do need to try to match those with the right person. The man who wants his woman to whip him is obviously going to have to look hard to find a woman into that - but they do exist.

Well I suppose people think all sorts of dark stuff. But they don't all try go around trying to make them part of a relationship.

And that's not to say there isn't an element of 'darkness' to a lot of 'normal' sexual interaction, just that there's a limit.

My point is that fantasy is not just that. To return to the example of a man wishing to act out a paedophiliac fantasy, 99% of women would not just dismiss it as 'just a fantasy' or think the only issue was sexual incompatibility, they'd think - shit, this guy is seriously dodgy.

So it's not quite true to say that all fantasies are these innocuous things that can be somehow divorced from someones general character.

What exactly are you implying about me Joe?