Men who fantasise about rape (Trigger?)

[alicemalice]

Hope I don't trigger anyone with this thread.

I've been online dating for a bit and chatting to this guy who I seemed to have a lot in common with.

Looking at his answers on Okcupid, there's one that said 'Do you have fantasies about rape?' to which he replied, yes.

This really bothers me. I understand it's not real and I suspect rape fantasies are quite common. But still, I find it very off-putting.

I also find it odd that he answered it so publicly.

Are rape fantasies so common they're seen as fairly normal?

I guess, one could say that all rapists have fantasised about raping. That isn't the same as saying that all fantasies about rape lead to rape, although there has to be strong possibility because of the first proposition.

To me, it's not about whether he would do it in real life.

It's about him enjoying thinking about raping a woman.

I think you would need to clarify what rape might mean to a particular person. You know what it means to you, but it may mean something different. The idea of being forced, painfully into an act I don't want to commit with a stranger sounds horrible. The idea of letting a partner have complete control over what they want to do to me sounds nice. Both could arguably be rape type fantasies.

When I was younger most of my female friends had rape type fantasies. I think when you talk about rape fantasies some people automatically dial down the violent part and just think about the force bit, which I think is all about the loss of control.

I think if it's someone you really click with, it's at least worth talking to them about it, rather than being automatically dismissed, but that is my own view.

I can't imagine being happy with either of these scenarios, tbh. I'd find it odd letting someone have complete control over me. I understand that works for other people but it wouldn't work for me.

Also I'm a bit confused at why it mostly seems to be men dominating or controlling women. It's not about equal submission or control

This is then all about terms. We should really specify terms. err, what is rape again? oh yeah. right well rape is rape and it involves coercion, whether that's through violence or something else, and it requires that the person being raped hasn't given consent.

So, any role play where one might indulge in rape fantasy, can't be rape if consent to this is given.

This leads me to think that role playing rape is impossible and any man who engages in fantasising about rape, isn't really thinking that I'd like to rape a woman who consent to being raped. Its impossible.

Oh hell no OP. ALthough (make of this what you will) that's not an unusal male fantasy.

I know we aren't supposed to say men as in all men. But fucking hell, 20% of men have rape fantasies. That's NAM but it's a fucking lot of men.

The first numbers are percentage of the female population and the second the male. Pretty much if a fantasy involves controlling someone it's like 2x as many men are interested than female. If it is the opposite fantasy (being abused) it's mostly female. What are we teaching people?

Watching someone undress without him or her knowing 31.8 63.4

Spanking or whipping someone to obtain sexual pleasure 23.8 43.5

Showing myself naked or partially naked in a public place 16.6 23.2

Sexually abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious 10.8 22.6

Forcing someone to have sex 10.8 22

Having sex with a child under the age of 12 years 0.8 1.8

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/how-common-is-your-sexual-fantasy-9835480.html

I'm surprised that anyone would think "well maybe I need to check what he means by that". It's a huge red flag. I agree with Empire that there is a world of difference between fantasising about being swept away by handsome man without having responsibility for deciding to have sex and fantasising about raping and choking someone.

not sure what happened to the format

Watching someone undress without him or her knowing 31.8 63.4

Spanking or whipping someone to obtain sexual pleasure 23.8 43.5

Showing myself naked or partially naked in a public place 16.6 23.2

Sexually abusing a person who is drunk, asleep, or unconscious 10.8 22.6

Forcing someone to have sex 10.8 22

Having sex with a child under the age of 12 years 0.8 1.8

What would a man who fantasised about being overpowered by a lustful woman call that fantasy?

OP, you did the right thing. If his response to that was "well, as long as it's just a fantasy", he's a nob and I expect he was thinking of himself as rapist.

Been reading Andrea Dworkin. Although she neither wrote or implied - as commonly believed - that all sex is rape (quite the opposite actually), she did contend that sex as it is commonly represented and understood within hetrosexual culture is continuous with it. So a man enjoying dominating a woman is not enacting a rape fantasy as such, but he is unconciously expressing a cultural assumption of male sexual dominance that as it's most extreme is manifested as rape.

People often think and talk of relationships in terms of power and control. Historically and culturally, men have always had power. It is therefore not surprising that aggressive, sado-masochistic, or even violent fantasies are common. It's a question of where along the spectrum you're prepared to draw the line; or whether you want sex to be about two equal people meeting without any power - which is what love is all about really.

That said, as a man I can honestly say I have never had rape fantasy, and would be extremely worried by any man who did admit to having one. Conversely, if I met a woman who wanted me to enact one - or wanted to be degraded or humiliated - I'd think she had some serious issues and run a mile.

I don't personally understood how you can love someone and simulate rape or violence with them.

How many men fantasise about being raped I wonder

I would agree that the question "do you fantasise about rape" is completely different whether you are being the victim or the aggressor. If it is your fantasy you are in control - so if you are fantasising being the victim then you aren't being raped as you are in control IYSWIM. If you are fantasising about being the aggressor that's a completely different thing.

And sure there could be the idea that the aggressor might be fantasising about submitting willingly as poster upthread points out, but the question wasn't nuanced, it was "Do you have fantasies about rape" yes or no, clearly if you can't be all nuanced in your response and you don't want to get across the idea that you like the idea of violently violating someone then you answer NO!

You were quite right to ditch him.

Also we know that carrying out rape isn't actually terribly uncommon when you look at the stats so best give anyone who says that a swerve rather than the benefit of the doubt.

Also there's the problem that if he did rape you it'd never get anywhere with teh police etc due to him having said that in the first place.

Seven, I don't understand your last point? If I say I fantasise about bopping David Cameron on the head, I don't get off an assault charge if I do it -?

... Even if David Cameron has willingly contacted me and come to my village fete or whatever.

In that independent article, being forced to have sex is about the same for both sexes as a fantasy - 28.9% for women, 30.7% for men

I guess MEOD

Yonic I would say that's likely to be described as a submission fantasy rather than a rape fantasy. Not sure.

The flip side of the male domination or rape fantasy is the eroticisation of submission by women which (I believe) is also drawn from patriarchal society. In rape fantasies in particular, women avoid feelings of going against the censure for wanting sex, being a slut etc. If they asked women whether they fantasise about being forced to have sex with someone they don't want to have sex with and being forced to do acts they don't want to do, I think there would be different answers.

"forced to have sex with someone they don't want to have sex with and being forced to do acts they don't want to do, I think there would be different answers"

Yy agree