Men who fantasise about rape (Trigger?)

[alicemalice]

Hope I don't trigger anyone with this thread.

I've been online dating for a bit and chatting to this guy who I seemed to have a lot in common with.

Looking at his answers on Okcupid, there's one that said 'Do you have fantasies about rape?' to which he replied, yes.

This really bothers me. I understand it's not real and I suspect rape fantasies are quite common. But still, I find it very off-putting.

I also find it odd that he answered it so publicly.

Are rape fantasies so common they're seen as fairly normal?

I used the word "encounter" not on the assumption that it was a one night stand but to include a situation where there might not be any sex involved.

On the fallacy point, we'll need to agree to differ.

Yeah I am staggered that this came up on a dating website. Utterly weird.
Not only does it serve to normalise rape fantasy but the whole declaring your sexual interests before you've even met seems utterly alien to me. I can't see why you wouldn't discover stuff together, as a couple in conversation or in bed...

Lots of people have fantasies like this, and much more, and are lovely people who only act them out in safe sane and consensual ways.

It is actually possible to be a lovely kind and caring dominant sadist, believe it or not...

I doubt it does, my empire!

Not convinced either.

Someone who has all sorts of fantasies is not a sex offender.

Otherwise, every time you wished someone dead in your head you'd be in jail for murder.

Being tied up and hurt and held down and following someone round an event naked and collared and only referring to themselves in the third person with lower case and asking permission to orgasm, only calling dominants Master and Mistress, kneeling on the floor with averted eyes, being hurt with needles and wax and electricity and floggers and spikes, etc. is massively fulfilling and satisfying and relaxing to many people, regardless if sexuality, gender and relationship status. Without sadists, they would all just have to do it to each other, and I judge from the hilarity at last months munch when I tried to do a Domme face that some of us just don't have it :-D

Most people don't get the cravings for it. Just because you don't that doesn't mean that we are wrong for our sexuality.

Saying that, you do have to be careful, some people seem to think that claiming to be Dominant is an excuse to be a dick.

There is a difference between rape fantasies (common fetish, only acted out in a safe sane and consensual way) and rape, though.

Pretty much anything needing a safe word could be compared to rape/assault, really.

Exactly Britta.

My kink is control - utter complete and total control.

I am not and never would be a rapist. (well, technically I can't because I don't have a penis)

Frau and Britta, can I ask you… do you think there IS a problem at times with rape in the BDSM community? I have read about this several times, that this can be a murky area and it's not something the community likes to acknowledge. Here's one such article:

www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2012/06/20/20993/

I have to admit that it being presented as a legitimate question/option on a normal dating site would kind of floor me and I might not treat it in the same way as I would some fella announcing 'oh I have rape fantasies- whaddya reckon'. Im older too- my younger self would want to be cool...

I think it is an issue, and have said so on here before.

However, there is such a lot of crap talked about BDSSM that no one listens to the sensible advice. And it's full of wannabe subs who post they want no limits and fakedoms that haven't a fucking clue what they're at.

I have supported women who have been raped and sexually assaulted, I have accompanied them to police stations, I have told them I believed them, I have walked women to their cars to keep them from being walked to the car by a predatory dom, I have spent hours upon hours modding a fetish site and blocking and deleting fakedoms. I have spent time upon time writing advice for all sorts of people in the fetish world, writing on what the red flags are. All sorts of time and effort of my own volition.

Now, tell me that's not caring?

I do have safe words/signals - can't think of the last time one was needed possibly because I'm sadly single right now which is a joke btw and yes they are something I wouldn't be without - my kink is total control. My fantasy is total control.

That does not mean it is a wise or sensible thing. Or something that will ever happen.

Much like a rape fantasy, actually.

Me? Well, I don't date outside of BDSSM, so any man that I date already has a pretty big clue.