Men who fantasise about rape (Trigger?)

[alicemalice]

Hope I don't trigger anyone with this thread.

I've been online dating for a bit and chatting to this guy who I seemed to have a lot in common with.

Looking at his answers on Okcupid, there's one that said 'Do you have fantasies about rape?' to which he replied, yes.

This really bothers me. I understand it's not real and I suspect rape fantasies are quite common. But still, I find it very off-putting.

I also find it odd that he answered it so publicly.

Are rape fantasies so common they're seen as fairly normal?

Hmm, I find it very I dunno- discombobulating the question is there...

I remember on match od- there was a question 'do you find thunder storms erotic'? I thought that was odd - this though is something else...

So if people interested in the BDSM scene get together or seek each other out, that seems to be one thing.

On mainstream dating though, seems bit different. I'm talking about men who have rape fantasies, who see that as very normal and don't consider themselves part of any scene. Is the main problem here the normalisation or eroticisation of rape?

Not saying this applies to everyone involved with BDSM scene. But I can't shake certain preconceptions. I kind of get the female dom thing, in that it's a way of reclaiming some control and power. But if a man told me he gets off on hurting or degrading women (albeit consensually), then I wouldn't be able to help but wonder if he has some serious issues with the female gender. Conversely, if someone told me they get off on being hurt, violated or degraded, then I would wonder if they've got mental health problems or if something bad's happened to them. I know there's not supposed to be any norms anymore, but - and call me old-fashioned - I think there comes a point where you have to go 'that's not right'.

All very prejudicial I know, but there it is.

Joe you have made a ton of statements in that last post that are so utterly offensive that I am not going to reply to you.

Sorry, I honestly didn't mean any offense. That's just my gut feeling. I'm sure it is more complicated than that, but there it is.

No, actually, Joe, there it's not.

You have made a ton of offensive assumptions in your post. I have been polite, I have engaged, I have never said anything disparaging or rude about anyone who doesn't like the same sort of things as I do.

But Frau, you must get these preconceptions a lot, surely?

Just because I get them a lot doesn't mean they shouldn't be challenged, alicemalice.

Ok. Sorry again. Guess we'll just have to agree to differ. But the comment really wasn't directed at you personally. I just cant help but wonder why, say, a man might fantasise about hurting a woman or why someone might want to be hurt. People aren't born with fantasies. They come from somewhere - whether personal experiences, a wider culture or a mix of both.

OK, lets start with the "mental health problems" - where is your evidence for that?

I have read the newest posts, and I think it is important to say that we should not judge Frau and Britta's situations by our own standards, preconceptions or lifestyles. This is where the disconnect is happening. People come from all walks of life and all backgrounds - it is not for us to sit as judge and jury on those who do not conform to what 'we' believe is 'normal', 'standard' or whatever. Frau has spoken a little bit about her upbringing, and from what I see, it 'fits' with the BDSM that she is speaking about.

I understand what Frau and Briita have said about their lifestyles, and my personal perceptions of their lifestyles have no bearing on them - why should it? I am a no one to them in their real life. I prefer to find common ground in which we can have some understanding, rather than ground which will become a battle.

I don't think anyone wants it to become a battle. Just to try and understand it more.

And to qualify my comment a bit, I'm not saying someone liking smacking their OH on the bum is in any sense a big deal or anybody else's business to judge. But if, say, a friend of mine confided that he wanted to act out a rape fantasy with him as the rapist, I'd think WTF!!!

I suppose because we live in a society in which women are routinely subjected to violence from men, I think male fantasies of violence warrant some interrogation and suspicion.

But Joe. It's a fantasy.

Made up. Pretend. That's the whole point. It's done within safe and sane boundaries and it's pretend. It's not real rape or even close.

(Assuming it's done with normal sensible safe words and with a partner you really trust and SSC and all that etc)

And I honestly didn't want a battle. Maybe I worded by comment clumsily. Apologies.

So Frau, in terms of my original post, do you think nothing to concern me about the guy on Okcupid?

I think it is very hard for people whose sexualities differ to talk to others who have a different sexuality and very useful if dating sites allow people to disclose their sexual interests so those who share similar interests can make sure they are not wasting time with people who differ from them.

I don't there is much to be gained by people who are made differently discussing it with people who cannot understand. For example plenty of men like to be dominated or tied up or whipped. They obviously need to date a woman who into that kind of thing. Having questions which bring out the important things to you on a dating site is a good thing not a bad thing. That obviously includes things like looks, age, hobbies as well as the sexual side.

Thankfully although many Governments have tried to we have not quite yet criminalised thought.

I would say he has inappropriate boundaries and if I were in your shoes I wouldn't touch him with a 20 foot pole.

Thanks for answering, Frau. Can I ask why?

Yes, I do see that. And I'm not suggesting anyone who necessarily fantasises about rape will rape.

But lets use an alternative example. Suppose a man wanted to act out an incest fantasy with him as the abuser and the women pretending to be the child victim. Now of course he might not go out and actually molest a child, but would not the fact he wants to play out such a fantasy be seriously disturbing? Surely hardly anyone would see that as ok because its just pretend?

Because it's oversharing for a normal dating site, I assume (not been on one! So have no idea)

Plus, it makes you uncomfortable. It doesn't matter what makes you uneasy - whether it's a big nose or funny teeth or big ears or BDSSM interests, or a penchant for fishing - if you don't like it, if it makes you feel uneasy, walk away.