Men who fantasise about rape (Trigger?)

[alicemalice]

Hope I don't trigger anyone with this thread.

I've been online dating for a bit and chatting to this guy who I seemed to have a lot in common with.

Looking at his answers on Okcupid, there's one that said 'Do you have fantasies about rape?' to which he replied, yes.

This really bothers me. I understand it's not real and I suspect rape fantasies are quite common. But still, I find it very off-putting.

I also find it odd that he answered it so publicly.

Are rape fantasies so common they're seen as fairly normal?

I'm meh to all of this really.

I don't think that it's particularly unusual for het couples to have this dynamic, whether in or out of the bedroom, or both, with the woman as the dominant party. I think it's only more recently that people who are this way but aren't on the more fetishistic / sexual side of it are even thinking to give it a name.

Sub/dom has been around for yonks right and associated with major kink. Now it's being recognised as not necessarily whips etc but the dynamic then it turns out that mr & mrs bloggs down the road have been doing it by accident for the last 25 years.

No, the only things that sit uncomfortably with me are that you choose to glorify your nastier qualities in a sexual context. I've got the same qualities, certainly not in the same proportions as you but I wouldn't have got the most out of all my therapy if I weren't at ease with my 'shadow' (as Jung called it.) I'm kind of curious to explore more about how you see yourself - in this environment, where we're talking about sexual politics - but am uncomfortable with what I feel to be limits imposed by your strong identification with this aspect of your character.

mr & mrs bloggs down the road have been doing it by accident for the last 25 years. - Yep! And 8/10 of the posters in Relationships.

discussions like this make me feel uncomfortable because I'm aware I make others uncomfortable

I dunno Frau, on the thread that got zapped, it was downright fucking funny . I don't think anyone here is uncomfortable with what you have been saying...

The other thing is you aren't responsible for the reactions (thoughts and emotions) of others. Certainly there is a time and place for such discussions, but it is not your responsibility to take charge of how others will react, feel and think. Does that makes sense?

I do what I do. I don't take advantage and I don't get complaints. And contrary to popular belief, I'm not promiscuous. I'm monogamous too.

I'm also fairly bolshie and opinionated outside of the bedroom

And you know what, I sit them down, tell them what I like, they tell me what they like, we talk about it, we do it for a while, and if it doesn't work for me or them - well, there's the door, don't let it hit your arse on the way out, thanks for a nice time, not working anymore, cheerio.

How would you describe yourself Helga? Dominatrix? Feminist? Sadist? You know of men who cross the line and abuse, how many women do you think do? How would you describe an equal loving relationship? You don't have to answer, am curious as to how you see yourself and how happy you are.

I don't know. I don't generally go in for navel gazing. I'm happy - I would describe myself as happy and settled since I embraced my sexually dominant nature. Feminist? I don't know. I just am.

As to what's an equal loving relationship - equal in what way?

Can see it's all moved on quite a bit since this afternoon!

Thanks for all your thoughts, everyone. Feel better for seeing it all hashed out on here. The way he presented it was like I was just being uptight or something.

Alice you aren't uptight at all - it is your body, your soul, your mind and your emotions to do with as you see fit. No one has the right to tell you you are uptight so he can get his jollies. Bodily autonomy is an important concept for all women to get their head around.

Absolutely agree with what Zazzles says and I'd add another. The minute you start to get a vibe that makes you uncomfortable, listen to it. Don't ever feel pressured into anything. You don't owe anyone anything. The only person you owe anything to is yourself.

dom/sub is the foundation of patriarchy. It's the mainstream of how women are socialised to submit to men and men are socialised to dominate women. It's not kinky or cool or edgy.

Regardless of the individual nature of how you might feel frau , this is constructed in our culture. If your male sub decided he'd had enough he could likely kill you during an encounter, despite your dominance. Your dominance, as a woman, depends on his acceptance of it. If he killed you during an encounter, you would be written off as a "sex game gone wrong".

I truly believe there is no freedom except in equality and that equality needs to be enforced socially, politically and legally, negotiated collectively and not left to individuals to negotiate. Women negotiating sexual freedom individually will never be free.

Totally agree, Flora. Well, except for the bit about killing, since anyone who isn't paralysed can find ways to kill another person. I don't suppose Helga's at greater risk than anyone else.

garlic as you know 2 women a week are killed by a domestic partner. I don't agree that a woman is at the same risk as a man. The notion of a female dominating a man is a fallacy.

Good post Flora.

I don't suppose Helga is any more at risk than any other woman. Women are far less likely to kill and are even less likely to kill men.

X-post with Flora there! Slow typing!

Yes, you're both right; I should have said 'woman'.

Equal as in the balance of power Frau (sorry, cannot bold your name on a kindle)

Interesting thread all round, I am disheartened to read that a dating website would even have much in the way of sex related questions. Probably did the right thing kicking him to the curb.

Sexual dynamics are fascinating as they really illustrate how calcified gender interactions can be. We are always in a rush to establish whose on top so to speak, and then by extension establish the principle that nobody should be on top as it's not equal, and that equality in all things is the goal.

The question is do things have to be equal at all times?

Flora - I don't agree, in the context of my personal sexual relations that the notion of a woman dominating a man is a fallacy.

And as far as risk of death - I don't think I'm at any more risk than any other woman. I could easily kill a man during an encounter.

And, you know, Flora, there's a big assumption in your statement that it's an "encounter" - the sort of BDSSM I do is not more an "encounter" than is any woman who is having breakfast with her male partner this morning - the sort of dominance I do is lifestyle, based on the woman being the head of the household and having the final say.

Intersting thread. Personally I think there's a political issue with any fixed power differential in a sexual relationship - whether that's a man dominating a woman or the reverse. Call me old fashioned, but I think sex kinda should be about liking a person, body and soul.

People are entitled to there private lives, but sexual power-play is not just a private choice independent of society. People do not exist in cultural vacuums.

You're assuming, Joe that I don't like the person I'm having sex with and that is not the case.

Interesting. I don't understand. Why would you enjoy hurting someone you love? Perhaps I'm not understanding BDSM rightly..

Because of the fundamental fact, Joe, that they want/need it every bit as much as I do. Ying and Yang, as it were.

Plus endorphins and all that play a part too when you're with a pain junkie, but as I've said repeatedly, I can do the hitty things, mostly because my partner wants them. I prefer the control.

Hmmm...

Not judging - just confused