Rape within marriage

[tabouleh]

Yes unashamedly a thread about a thread.

It is like entering the bloody twilight zone over there.

Jeez there are MNers basically caring more about OP's husbands right to sex rather than believing OP and helping her.

Totally understand if this gets deleted for being a thread about a thread - but if it gets more of the feminist viewpoints onto that thread then great.

The whole mess was useful though - I am really pleased that my reaction was anger and disgust rather than shame and questioning myself.

I am going to head off now as this is your space and I have a lot to get my head around, but thankyou again for this.

Anchor, Yes, I must admit that all the comments about you getting out and about more were misplaced.
I think it was the incident that needed focussing on and not that.

I don't know I can't say right for saying wrong here, though.
You see I am hesitant to call anyone a rapist and sort of see that it's a grey area sometimes. Especially in the circumstances described by yourself. It's hard to judge IYSWIM.
This has been interpreted here in that I'm somehow excusing your dh- I'm not. Just that I'm reluctant to call, 'rape' as it's such a serious accusation.

The only thing I would suggest is this: did your h GENUINELY think he was hurting you against your will? Or did he think you were OK with it?
If not, then perhaps you can make things work. If yes, then I'd be reluctant to stay in such a situation if I were you.

I'm glad your response was the former too, Anchor. You can harness that, I'm sure.

Do come back though, lots of support and listening ears for you here

Anchor...why head off? I don't wear a "I am a feminist T-shirt"in RL but I feel I have every right to post here, as should you!

I mean I'd be reluctant to stay if dh GENUINELY knew he was doing something I didn't wish.

Christ on a bike, I had to leave halfway through the thread, but I'm glad that quite a few people turned up to oppose the barrage of shite. I find it really hard to stomach how people will just disbelieve each other for no reason. I mean, if you had someone coming onto MN saying a man in Tescos slapped me round the chops, would you really have anyone suggesting that they were making it up?

It's the idea that we are after all just fuckholes and if we don't give it we should expect our partners to take it. It makes me feel really sad for the world we're (still) living in.

Still not 20 years that this has been illegal.

I read the thread before it was deleted and I was horrified by the attitude of many posters.

Whether you are married or not, sex should only happen when both people want to do it. Of course it's rape if the man puts his penis in when the woman indicates 'no'.

I was also disappointed to see a poor understanding of mental health issues on the thread and a feeling of 'pull yourself together'. I suppose people don't understand it unless they are suffers themselves but a mental health problem can impair your functioning on every level and going to the park / spending time with other people often just isn't an option.

I hope the OP will be ok - I think the replies she got were mostly hugely unhelpful.

Lynette, I'll probably be back under a different name, I am a long-time lurker (as evidenced by my presence on this thread!). But I'd rather not be active here under this usename as I don't want to be associated with the situation I posted about in relationships, if you see what I mean? Given I am fairly sure this is not the end of my marriage.

marantha, I feel I've explained myself enough to you today so shan't be doing so any more if that's alright with you.

TheButterflyEffect Please correct me if I am wrong, but I seem to recall that before other thread was pulled, you said that part of the definition of rape is that it could be shown that the accused KNEW that the accuser didn't wish sex but did it anyway?

Now given that only 7% of communication is verbal, that means that 93% isn't, we can't just disregard that 93% as if it doesn't exist.

Anchor I am not asking you to explain anything to ME- just yourself.

Interestingly precise percentages marantha. Not sure of the relevance in this case where the OP verbally told her DH she wasn't interested and then non-verbally went back to sleep.

"Anchor I am not asking you to explain anything to ME- just yourself."

Sorry, I normally try to moderate my responses on here but, seriously, what a wanky thing to write.

oh my god marantha, seriously? You go on about shades of gray and are then so black and white as to say that if it was rape why haven't I left yet?!

Reeeeally marantha. So if the 7% of me which is my mouth/vocal chords tells someone to fuck off, but the rest of my body doesn't immediately start kicking and punching them, they should treat that as an invitation to stick around? Personally I don't have the time to check whether my toes and earlobes are agreeing with me, I just expect to be listened to when I speak.