Hi there people - finally forced myself onto the scales this morning. On Dec 18 (last weigh in) I was 237lbs. Today I am 252lbs. Over a stone. It's not unexpected, and I know (hope!!) that I'll be able to shift it relatively quickly, but I am also feeling a wee bit devastated. Not by the gain (deserved), but by the fact that the 'old me' hijacked the 'new me', and I've spent the last week joylessly stuffing my face with everything I could lay my hands on - not even really enjoying it, unlike the first few days of Christmas festivities, which were pleasant. This wasn't sociable or family time, this was sitting alone binging on pannetone and cramming multi-packs of crisps down my gob. It was waiting until everyone else was out and ordering a secret KFC and eating enough to feed four normal people. It was chowing down a whole box of After Eights and hiding the wrappers. NOT fun. I'm sure all of you know exactly what I'm talking about - the shame, the self-loathing, the desperation. None of which I've really felt since being on MJ. In the early days, there is no way I could have done this - physically and mentally, I was switched off from food in a way that was incredibly liberating. Now, despite increasing my dose, I've realised that my stupid brain is even more powerful than the drugs - I've gone and done what i thought back when I started MJ would be impossible. I've sabotaged myself, something I'm very good at. Sorry to bleat on, but this is one of the few places I can be honest.
I can feel the gain in my body and in the fit of my clothes, but more importantly I feel it in my mind. Now, I know, the mission is to get back on track - to shed all the excuses, and also to not give in to the self recrimination and self hatred, because all that does is make you feel worse and encourage you to give up on yourself. I hate being back at this point, feeling like I'm useless and a failure, and I also know if I let this type of thinking take hold, next thing is I'll be eating away my tears and my sadness, and the whole vicious circle continues. So today, my friends, I will be firm but kind with myself - onwards, downwards, and hopefully with some grace. We're all much better at being kind to others than ourselves though aren't we?
Jab day today, going up to 12.5. The other issue playing on my mind really is the cost - I always justified the MJ expense through the amount I saved in takeaways/meals out etc, but recently I've been having both - all my cakes, very much eaten! The higher doses are soooooo expensive, I'm not sure how much longer I can pay this much. I might have to change to Wegovy - not sure if anyone has had any experience of that? For the time being I have a couple of pens in the fridge.
So, hard reset today. Thanks for listening my friends, and belated Happy New Year!