Discovered an old electronic note/diary on my last big weight loss attempt. The apps I was using at the time to record my weight are not available, and so I think my memory is not accurate, until tonight and it has shaken me.
Travel back in time to summer 2019. I made a diary and all the familiar feelings and incentives to loose weight were written down there.
I was shocked, I was 124 KG. Biggest I ‘d ever been. I vowed to loose weight and did it alone. 5 months later and couch to 5K I was 110kg- yes 14KG down & even lost a little weight over Christmas. Spring 2020, down to 107Kg, I then had surgery & life changed beyond recognition for a bit.... lock down happened. bam 10kG back on in a month or two. All fresh baked bread I am sure as I lived for it. Oh and because of my surgery I avoided exercise and people, oh and I hated my job… bam 120kg again by Summer. Full circle!
I decide maybe best not to weigh myself as so depressing, not try to loose weight but just stay about the same & accept my weight.
Fast forward 5 year to January 2025. Depressed about my weight and confidence at an all time low. Step on the scales eventually. BAM, 136KG! How the f**k did that happen. Beside myself angry I let this happen, I mean 124Kg was bad enough! Why couldn’t I just have stayed there! Self esteem rock bottom. I felt too big to even be cuddled.
Well 5 months past again. 113KG. That’s a loss of 23KG. Just shows how successful MJ is! And that my body does want to loose the weight. I am at the gym and getting back into some of my clothes from 110Kg but…
That nagging terror. What if the same happens again. How can I stop it from ever happening again. I can’t go back. My body and mental well being can’t cope with going through this again. The time before I lost weight I said never again can I go above 100Kg… it’s a scary step
up each time!
Also this time, despite being a similar weight, the clothes do not look as good on me. My tummy is bigger, my bottom is smaller, my tummy and boobs sag now. Arghhh I don’t know where I am headed. But surely, surely… there has to be something to make sure i never let it happen again.
Feeling emotional reflecting on it all and wondering and hoping it can be better this time.
sorry for the long post. Sure there are many who relate. Hitting known weight targets you have set before does something funny to your thoughts. Trying to be kind to myself tonight.