My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

Not your wedding - not your business

What do you need advice on? Is she prepared to go if only to the reception or not? It’s up to her. I wouldn’t try and change his mind if I were you. It’s not your wedding or your invitation that’s proving controversial.

On what’s written here it sounds harsh. However it’s His Day His Rules, and there may be a back story. Ultimately you could try and ask his parents, or get them to ask him, but it’s his wedding and not your business. I don’t do two tier weddings and wouldn’t go anyway - if you feel strongly vote with your feet..

I think that’s really mean unless there’s a perfectly valid reason. Have you asked his mum/dad (whichever is your sibling?)

Why do you need advice? The relationship between your nephew and his grandmother isn’t yours to manage.

I do wonder what world some posters are living in. One where they've never attended any sort of social event it would seem. Can you imagine "would you like to come to my party?" "Sorry I'm busy but my aunty Jane is free that day!"

I agree with other posters-surely it's your sibling who should be intermediary for this?

On the face of it unless grandma is particularly awkward it does seem unkind though.

He must have a reason.
There’s not much point us speculating what it might be.
But, at 81 I’m sure your mother is more than capable of raising it with him or his parent if she so wishes. If she doesn’t raise it, that’s her choice.
It isn’t your place to bring it up.

i know not all old people are the same but I would think that a woman in her 80s might not want to go to the evening do especially if it’s a loud disco. I imagine the day bit would be far more appropriate. I know women of that age who would leave when the evening part starts as they don’t like to be out at night.

Has your nephew been to many/any weddings I wonder?

Maybe he and his intended don't know that the norm is to invite grandparents to the whole event. She has been invited for the evening which shows they do have a good relationship as you say - it's a curious decision, particularly as you are, as his aunt, invited for the whole day.

Maybe it's a mistake - I'd be having a quiet word!

Can't really offer any advice in the absence of knowing his reasons. You could give us a clue, unless you don't know either.

Presumably other family members have noticed this anomaly - no doubt someone will ask him why!

There is no advice to be given out.

They don’t speak, they don’t have that close familial relationship. He doesn’t have to invite people to his wedding because you want pictures of her at the last family wedding.

I think unless very small wedding it parents and siblings only then it is a bit shit to exclude gran. Are you sure it is true?

Does gran get on with nephews parents? I am surprised they haven't said anything.

I would make it known that i will be happy to organise transport and help gran in any way needed on the day so the bride and groom and parents dont have any extra responsibility on the day in case that is their concern.

Going to be the bad guy here, and say its not him who's decided this its fiancee, lets be honest, final say on the invites is never down to the husband.

"why does your grandma need to come, we never see her"

That does seem very odd to be honest. If it was me I'd probably ask my sister (his mother) if she knew why.

Maybe speak to your sibling (nephew's parent) and just enquire why Mum hasn't been invited - maybe prefaced with 'I'm sure they've got good reason, but.....'
If it is something like 'I wanted to enjoy my son's wedding rather than be spending every minute worrying if Mum's ok', you could offer to take on the responsibility for the day.

Maybe it's just that they're having a tiny wedding ceremony followed by a party?

That is far from universal. My husband had equally strong views about attendees to our wedding, it was our wedding and I was never particularly into weddings as a thing growing up.

I don't think your nephew and his granny are as close as you think they are sorry @WildflowerGardens

They don’t speak because he’s bad at keeping in touch - she sends cards and messages but he never bothers to respond

In my family, I'd have a conversation with DSis to find out what the thinking was, but tbh I don't think it could ever happen becuase my Mum has invested so much time and energy in her GC from when they were tiny, through the difficult teen years and keeping in touch regularly when they bad busy adult lives and might not have bothered much with granny off their own bat.

It is striking that your mum would like him to visit, but doesn't appear to visit him. How often does she call him?

Have you asked your sibling about it ? I probably would ask them before you get too offended.

The reasoning doesn’t matter. He clearly doesn’t have a close relationship with her, and that’s that

In general, people have a sense of entitlement around family weddings. But no one is entitled to an invitation. Their wedding, their guest list.

Is there more to this than perhaps you know?

It's not very nice but it's also none of your business. He's your nephew, not your son.

It’s unfortunate but what can you actually do? His wedding his choice