My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

THIS !

it’s really awkward for elderly but at the same
time you have to remember that when they depend on family for care needs then this has to be a massive consideration as to the impost it will have on everyone for the day , this is not selfish this is simply just wanting to have that one day to focus on why your getting married with loved one .

also it’s your nephews mothers mother not just your mother so I’d say this potentially is exactly why she’s not been invited during the day , also let’s be honest nobody knows what your mother is like , some older people can be very pedantic very self absorbed and the story we see here is quite honestly never the complete truth of the situation , so therefore you are asking strangers to comment on a situation that you have made look black and white when nothing ever is .
we want to get married abroad and when discussed with my mum she was dreading this exact situation in that it’s an 8 hour flight , her mother is early 80s and that she won’t be able to enjoy herself as she will be caring for her mother whilst there again who is very self absorbed and negative about absolutely everything and pedantic , which is just not hapenning as that’s not fair on me or my mother .

Also someone else stated about he doesn’t visit her well I’m assuming she’s able to pick up the phone to him ? Again my grandmother lives two hours away never calls or texts yet when I do see her she’s sat with her eyes glued to her phone and always on Facebook 🤷‍♀️ works both ways irrelevant of age .

well there you go, you've answered your own query!! how many people you don't speak to would you invite to your wedding??
Anyway, it's none of your business who they invite. If your mum has an issue with it she needs to bring it up with his parent.

Im really confused, you say yourself that they dont speak because he doesnt bother keeping in touch, so... they cant exactly be close can they? Its sad for his grandma if she has certain expectations, but you cant force a relationship where there isnt one.

A wedding is as expensive as you make it. I honestly cringe at how much people spend on weddings when the likelihood is half of then will be divorced in a few years anyway.

No advice needed. It’s his wedding, he can do what he wants.

The key to this is - what does your sibling (ie groom’s parent and your mother’s child) think about the situation? It’s up to them to tell their son that granny shouldn’t be excluded.

Assuming there’s no mega backstory your nephew is not a pleasant person. But your sibling should deal with it - are they a vaguely decent human being? If not you know where he gets it from. Sadly kids today seem to be being taught that only their wants & needs matter and everyone else is just there for their benefit.

Why is the ceremony a different invitation?

Because it costs more. And venues usually have a limitation on number of guests they can allow. Churches can be small so technically, whilst it's open to the public, nobody attends a wedding they haven't been invited to, to ensure there's sufficient space for those who have been invited. It's just manners. Nobody wants to arrive to church on their wedding day to find half the usual congregation there and their invited guests having nowhere to sit due to that! The bride and groom pay to get married in church, it isn't free, they're effectively hiring the church as venue for the ceremony. It would be rude to gatecrash.

Generally it’s the reception that has fewer invitations due to budget or space limitations, I’ve never heard of someone only being invited to the reception, what is the point ? Even more so a grandchild, when the lovely bit is seeing them get married and the reception might drag on and get tiring.

Feel like you're confused about which bit is which. "The wedding" generally means the ceremony, the meal, photos and speeches etc. The rest is the evening party part. That's a lot cheaper and comes with less space constraints. So more people invited to that second part and only the closest friends and family invited to the first part.

This is so depressing. A young man who doesn’t bother to communicate with his own grandmother, a grandmother who is an evening-only guest at her own grandson’s wedding …. and all these posters saying depends on their relationship / might be too expensive / logistics / none of your business / if they’re not close why should she be invited. Ffs. What’s wrong with the world??? Yes fine is she’s vile and abusive and guaranteed to spoil the wedding. But in the absence of any such suggestion, how have people become so bloody self-absorbed and me me me? It’s so depressing.

This, it's for your sibling/grooms parent to sort out.

Keep well out of it is my advice.

Based on that I’m surprised she was expecting more than an evening invite.

I guess he won't mind being "forgotten" in the will then - or is that just where my petty mind goes? Seriously though, unless there is a back story, leaving out the grandma is hugely disrespectful.

advice? stay out of it. Privately sympathise with your mum if she raises the subject. Publicly keep schtum. Are you sure they are on as good terms as you think they are.

Firstly, it's his wedding.
Secondly, I can't stand people who just sit at home expecting to be visited. If your mum is well enough to attend a wedding all day, she's well enough to suggest a family meal out or something so they can meet up.
People just have busy lives. Time flies. He won't be not going to visit her out of spite.

The state of some of these comments. 'Your wedding your rules' this isn't some distant cousin, this is the man's grandmother! Unless there's some complex backstory involved that she is abusive or evil (in which case YABU and shouldnt need to post as the resosn is obvious) you dont do this to family. The way some people treat family in this country is vile.

I agree.

Unless the relationship is really toxic, I’d expect all direct family (parents, grandparents, siblings of the couple getting married) to be invited. Less direct family (aunts, uncles, cousins) might depend on relationships, but it’s a sad world if you can’t invite your own non-toxic, non-abusive grandma to your wedding.

If there was a family wedding and my mum wasn't included I would definitely have to say something! I probably wouldn't go myself as she'd be very upset, even though she likely wouldn't say so. Things like weddings are where family comes together, even when there hasn't been much recent contact. Of course, you can have a small wedding with few guests, but to leave one person out, and a key member of the family like this, is wrong imo.

In my experience, it would be more usual for the grandmother to be invited to the wedding and the meal and then to leave early (if she were very old or infirm).

No, but laziness, disinterest, lack of basic manners...

The evening only invite is simply crass behaviour on his part, OP. It makes him look socially inept and clueless.

In all honestly I have a good relationship with my mum but I wouldn’t give a fig if she was at my wedding!
Some people have closer relationships with their friends than their family, which is absolutely fine. I don’t get the arbitrary assumption that you must put family first. Why? I bet nephew and fiancee would rather have the people they are closest to during the day. Fair enough.
It is only a wedding. I’m sure grandma has been to weddings before.

Yes it is depressing.

My daughter didnt invite her gran (ex MiL) either. Because in the 15 years since I divorced her son, the gran hasn't ONCE contacted any of her grandchildren to see how they are. She is utterly selfish and only cares about the kids from her daughters.

So I can understand from one POV not inviting a gran, but if the gran actually has bothered with him then it is sad to leave her out.

It seems odd, so he has invited you but not her? Has to be more to this.

That's really mean and if one of my grandsons did this I'd be very very upset. My first call would be to my sibling to ask what's going on? I'd definitely offer to give up my place if spaces are so tight a grandparent can't be invited but I really can't see any situation where this applies. If my mother wasn't invited I don't think I'd be able to go tbh I would ask for more info and politely decline the invite.

this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos

Well that's clearly not important to him is it?

My kids aren't close to their paternal GPs but they'd invite them for their Dad's sake.

if anybody needs to be saying anything (which is debatable) it’s your sibling