My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

Unless there's a hell of a back story, that's awful. Really cruel. Amazed at how many people think it's okay too. What a shite, selfish society we've become.

well there you go, you've answered your own query!! how many people you don't speak to would you invite to your wedding??

But not responding to your elderly gran who does her best to keep in touch is awful behaviour!

Awful selfish post

Not your wedding.
Not your place to be getting involved.

It’s your nephew’s wedding, your nephew’s guest list and your nephew’s relationship with his grandmother.

Many years ago, my first cousin was getting married. To cut down on expense, he invited my Mum, and said her plus one was my brother as my Dad had passed away. This omitted me being part of it at all. My Mum flatly refused to go.

OP if it was me I'd be declining the invite. What does your sister think?

Well as a grandmother, I'm finding some of the posts on this thread really depressing.

My late husband was a stroke victim. He learned to walk again, but was left with hemiparesis. I had to help him to get dressed and to cut up his food for him.

To our delight, we were both invited to his nephew's wedding and as well as sending the invitation we were given information about accessible accommodation near the venue.

DH ordered a new kilt for the event. I helped him to get dressed and he looked grand.

To our surprise, the bride and groom insisted on including us in the wedding photos. They had all the other photos taken first and then an armchair was pushed into a central position for DH. The wedding party then stood round him.

That photograph is hanging on my wall as I type this.

Some people are just more thoughtful than others.

It is her mother getting hurt though? In my family we defend support and look out for each other and call out selfish and thoughtless behaviour. We are quite loud and shouty at times but we don't let stuff fester. This shit would not fly

My grandmother didn’t visit me either. Because, you know, she was in her 80s! Dear god, are people that thick?

Do you know anything about the ceremony or who is invited? Are you invited? The word reception doesn't necessarily suggest only evening do - the more formal sit down meal is usually a reception..so it may be just a tiny ceremony with parents or witnesses, and everyone else only at reception maybe? If that's the case then that's fine.

If it's a bigger ceremony it does seem wrong to exclude her, but you'd need to ask why to identify if being it unreasonable or not- can't you talk to your sibling? But don't mention photos, that's a totally unreasonable factor to consider. Weddings are not about photos and if you want professional pictures of your mother you can organise that!

Not sure if frequency if visiting is relevant. Lots of young adults are poor at keeping in touch with elderly relatives and mostly see them if events facilitated by the invitation between generation, eg family lunch / get together, just because of distance / time etc. doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad relationship. And with anyone I usually wait to be invited before visiting unless it's a distance I can just drop in quickly and don't need any hosting.

Do you mean evening do or the meal? Is it possible they are having a very small ceremony and then everyone comes to the wedding reception.

There may be some reason behind this that you don’t know about.
Does your mother have walking problems or does she need a lift. These could become other people’s problems.

Well as a grandmother, I'm finding some of the posts on this thread really depressing.

I was pretty cavilier about thank you notes and keeping in touch with my grandmother as a thoughtless teen (I wish my mum had been stricter on that). Then she died when I was sixteen. I still cry about it. I can't imagine being that thoughtless as an adult.

Does your mother have walking problems or does she need a lift. These could become other people’s problems.

Well that's a depressing take. Don't be old or disabled, you'll become other people's problem and no-one wants that at their picture perfect wedding.

While it’s his wedding but not inviting grandparents (unless there is some sort of rift) is just shocking. I can’t imagine anyone I know behaving that way towards their grandparents regarding wedding invitations.

Where are they getting married? If it’s a church anyone can attend so I would take her and the do something between the ceremony and the evening reception and turn up at the evening reception with her

personally I think it’s disgraceful behaviour.

what do his parents think

I know people say you can invite who ever you want to your own wedding. And yes I think I have always agreed with that.

Until now, if there is no back story I think it is very harsh

What does his mum think about it? Seems strange he wouldn't invite his grandma and would visit her sometimes if they genuinely get on well....maybe there's an issue you aren't aware of?

See, I don't understand this mentality. What is this universe where people keep in touch with people they're not fussed about, just in the hope of being left some inheritance?! And why do older people want to be kept in touch with by someone who is just hoping for a financial reward? Why don't people just have relationships with people who want to have relationships with them, instead of trying to control others with money? I find it utterly bizarre.

The nephew doesn't have, and clearly doesn't want, a relationship with his grandmother. What makes you think he's even considered the possibility of being in her will??? Why would he be in it? They have no relationship. Why would he even care that he's not in it? Maybe you're judging everyone by your own standards and so assuming his primary motivation in life is the acquisition of money. OP hasn't posted anything to suggest that's how he is as a person.

Not to mention the fact that all this "watch out for your inheritance" stuff, as a way of keeping people in line, is largely bullshit these days because so many people end up in a care home or aren't home owners in the first place and have nothing to leave.

OP he's not "bad at keeping in touch" like it's some side-effect of having a penis. He's disinterested in keeping in touch with her. He was capable enough of keeping in touch with his girlfriend, to the point they're now getting married. I expect he has friends too. He can keep in touch when he wants to. In the case of his grandmother, he just doesn't want to. It's really not complicated or anything to do with him being a man.

Reading your post again - nowhere have you said that your mother is upset. All you have written is that you are upset.

This has nothing to do with you and it’s odd that you are making it about you and your feelings.

In a normal, close knit family - yes, grandparents would be invited. Having said that, my paternal grandmother skipped my brother’s wedding because it was in SILs hometown and Nan didn’t want to travel.

Your view of the relationship between your nephew and your mother is just that, your opinion. From an outsider, it doesn’t seem like they are close and perhaps with limited numbers they had to make some difficult cuts. Do you invite a close lifelong friend or a relative you don’t speak to? There’s no right answer there.

You can sympathize with your mother (if she raises it), you can encourage her to speak to your sibling, but other than that you should keep your feelings about this to yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling upset about this.

But I don't think there is any advice to be given. It's his wedding, and it's up to him and his partner who they invite. It doesn't have anything to do with you and your feelings are yours to manage.

DH and I had two alive grandmothers when we got married. We invited both to the evening, but neither to the ceremony. The ceremony was confined to just 10 people - our immediate families. One grandmother wrote to us declining the invitation and saying that, for her, the ceremony was the part that mattered and not the party so she wouldn't be travelling. Her daughters (DH's aunts) also chose not to come as they felt she should have been invited. Their choice to do that, just as it was our choice to have the wedding ceremony we wanted. If any of them had said anything to DH about it we would have thought it none of their business and it wouldn't have changed anything.

DH and I had two alive grandmothers when we got married. We invited both to the evening, but neither to the ceremony. The ceremony was confined to just 10 people - our immediate families. One grandmother wrote to us declining the invitation and saying that, for her, the ceremony was the part that mattered and not the party so she wouldn't be travelling

Honestly I find that shocking. You clearly hurt her deeply.

She´s 81 for fgs! My mum is 80, I visit her, she doesn´t visit me.
OP your second post says it all. I would be so disappointed in this young man.
I think your sibling is the one who should have a quiet word with her son about what´s going on, it´s not your place, but I would keep a mental note.

Nice. I consider my grandmother to be my immediate family. Got the ceremony you wanted at the expense of hurting your own grandmother. Cant´believe people like this exist.