My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

I don't think we can assume that not inviting Granny to the wedding isan awful thing by your nephew without knowing the full story. What was their relationship like as they were growing up did she spend time with him. were they close then and become distant now or she only ever just been one who sends cards and a message? Maybe he thinks the whole thing would be too long The wedding, meal l and then an evening due? Maybe she was invited during the evening as a courtesy and isn't that bothered if she's there or not.

Is your nephews parent (your sister/brother?) still alive? I would share concerns with them and leave them to sort it out.
And then if my mum wasn't invited I'd be looking after her and having a lovely lunch etc pre reception hosting and other excluded family

Could this be an issue about /numbers at the venue? The couple could be prioritising younger friends? If so it’s very sad and you may never know the whole story. Has he offered an explanation?

That's terrible. Assuming granny wasn't abusive, that's a shit thing to do.

Are you related to his dm or df? I'd be asking them if they thought it was ok.

I actually don't understand the UK thing of inviting to only ceremony or reception or both.

She was someone who was close to dhs grandma, and a v nice lady as it happened.

I was of the view that my wedding was not purely about me and that others should be considered 😅. Possibly an unusual view these days.

I’m sure he has his reasons and no doubt there is more to it. It’s his wedding so he and his partner get to decide the guest list and everything else. Leave them to it and my advice would be not to interfere.

On the face of it this is sad. But then I got to thinking about my own children. If they were getting married, I could 100% see them not inviting their grandparents on their dad’s side. And I wouldn’t blame them. They’ve had nothing to do with the kids growing up, I doubt they’d recognise the children (2 now adults) in the street (and I know they didn’t recognise my nephew about 10 years ago now because he was upset that his grandparents basically looked right at him then completely ignored him when he was at the park with his other grandma)…. Why should someone spend a huge amount of money on their wedding spot just because they’re related by blood but don’t know or see each other? On the other hand, if they weren’t to invite my parents I would feel justified in asking them why not, but would tell them it was ultimately their choice - I would ask because my parents have done so, so much for them since day 1 and they are all very close.

It sounds like your nephew just isn’t close to your mum. How much effort did SHE put into the relationship growing up? As the adult, it’s her responsibility to nurture the relationship until the child reaches adulthood themselves. After that it’s for both to maintain it. So if she made the effort those first 18 years then he cut her off, she still tried, then I would feel sorry for her. But if she was barely in his life growing up, it’s hardly surprising he’s not bothered about a relationship now.

If she’s anything like my in laws, she’s more worried about the outside appearance that she’s not the perfect grandma she’s made herself out to be.

Yes because nobody has ever neglected their granny just because they're a thoughtless young twat.

OP, I'd suggest you raise it lightly with your sister. She may know what's going on.

When I got married 21 years ago, it was £65 a head to be invited for the full day. I hate to think how much it would be now. You think it’s ok to just instruct someone they have to add those sorts of costs on?

The exception would be if the person asking is paying for the full wedding, then as long as there was no reason the couple getting married didn’t want the person at the wedding, I’d have let them get on with it. If, however, they tell the couple to remove one of their friends to add their friend/relative, I don’t think that’s on - regardless of who is paying.

Have you spoken to your sibling about this? If it was my parents the first thing I would be doing is calling my brother/sister and finding telling them our mum was upset to be excluded

If they aren't particularly close, then I don't see anything to be surprised about. It doesn't sound like she's made any more effort to have a close relationship than he has.

Is he generally a polite person OP or a total arsehole who's rude to people he doesn't particularly like? Because if he's polite then them being on good terms means diddly squat. He'd be on good terms with someone he actively dislikes too out of politeness.

He doesn't visit her. Going to assume she doesn't get invited to visit him. So regardless of the fact she's his grandmother, there's no relationship there. She might wish there was but there isn't. I'm guessing that's why she hasn't been invited.

Weddings are expensive, young people are often paying for it themselves and I think on the whole they're fed up of both the dynamic and the costs of having a huge event to organise and pay for, with half of the attendees being people they're not fussed about and don't really have a relationship with.

You see these big weddings with like 100+ people and think who has that many close people in their life? By the time they've invited all the relatives they never see or speak to other than at weddings and funerals, and given everyone invited a "plus one" so they don't have to attend alone, there's probably only about 20-50 max who the happy couple actually want there. The rest are there out of politeness and social convention. Then the happy couple have to pay for a big enough venue and cater to all of these people, when they're maybe going into debt to pay for the wedding in the first place. I can see why they start shaving people off the guest list these days.

My advice is to pick up the phone and ring him and ask him. Mumsnetters don't have a clue why, but he does!

You say the wedding reception as in the wedding breakfast? Or just the evening do? How does she know she’s not invited to the ceremony because I would think that highly unusual if it’s not ceremony but is wedding breakfast. Was she told verbally she wasn’t invited to the wedding ceremony or is there some confused message in the invites? Is the wedding ceremony being held in a church or a tiny venue with limited space?

I’m probably clutching at straws trying to find some confusion in this situation to try and explain why she wouldn’t be invited to the ceremony because it doesn’t make sense why she wouldn’t be invited to the ceremony but then would be invited the wedding breakfast. Either way, what a sad situation that his grandmother won’t see him actually get married.

It may be a closeness thing - as generally an evening invite goes to friends of friends / colleagues whom one is not so close to etc.

or it may be a numbers/money thing - hence my suggestion that Aunty who is concerned for her mother could give up her place for her mother.

Also, what has your sibling (his parent) said about it?

Is there not another relative who could step in and share the load on this day?

How close were the extended family when he was younger?

How do you figure that? She sends cards and messages but never gets replies OP said

My cousin did this. Created a riff with my aunt that ultimately led to her dying alone. Extreme perhaps, and probably symptomatic of the whole relationship with her siblings (4) rather than that one reason. But my gran had been very good to them. Provided all her childcare and plenty of cash over the years. She was so hurt. Ultimately they were just takers. Hopefully your nephew is just thoughtless.

What the relationship like between his parents and his grandmother? I suspect the answer is there.

My dc aren’t of the getting married age yet and it’s unlikely any of their grandparents will be alive when they do. But they definitely won’t be inviting my mum and they would only be inviting MIL under certain conditions.

My late husband didn't get an invitation to his only granddaughter's 18th celebration. It might have been that they thought that it would have been too much for him, but not even getting the invitation was hurtful.

The next time we saw his daughter, he asked about the invitation. "Tell me why I didn't get an invitation to GD's 18."

Silence. "Oh. I didn't think you'd want to go."

We were only told about it beforehand by his ex - her partner had died, so I'd taken her to a hospital appointment. She casually mentioned that she and the DD and GD were going away for the 18th. There was no mention that - in actual fact - a group of family members plus one friend was attending.

I suspect that the DH didn't get the invitation because of his disability - he'd had a stroke, but had learned to walk again. The fact that the daughter never mentioned the celebration still stings.

This is your answer.
For whatever reason, rightly or wrongly, the relationship isn’t as important to him as you wish it was.

In the absence of any back story we've not been told, or a tiny wedding in an inaccessible venue, it sounds like he's just a selfish young bloke. Let's hope that if grandma is giving out inheritances, she changes her will to give him a cheap seats version ... (slightly tongue in cheek, but only slightly - bet he'd be wishing he'd bothered a bit more then).

All this 'their day, their rules' is well and good, but a selfish society has an impact on everyone.

Yes well we all know that! but why the lack of invite