My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

[WildflowerGardens]

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer.

He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony

I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison.

advice please!

There's a whole social spectrum between my husband and strangers who happen live near a church.
Strangers spectating at a function they were not invited to is neither support nor interaction.

People who go to church tend to want to engage with things beyond themselves. I'd appreciate any well wishing from my church community at a church wedding.

What if they were not well wishers? Remember you can't choose which uninvited strangers rock up or what their motivations are...

You can't but that's inevitable when you choose a public ceremony.

Yep, and I’m screenshotting all your snide remarks and posting them on the family WhatsApp, everyone is laughing so thanks for that!

Why did you bother posting OP? You seem to have a snotty, superior attitude to anyone who offers well meaning advice. Frankly, you don't sound very nice.

Yep. They've googled, found the thread and are laughing at you.

Seriously, your nephew doesn't want you at the ceremony, your sister doesn't answer to your demands, and you think they are laughing at random anonymous strangers rather than their relative who has made a fool of herself on the Internet?

'Yep, and I’m screenshotting all your snide remarks and posting them on the family WhatsApp, everyone is laughing so thanks for that!'

Good !

It will give your very busy professional sister the opportunity to reply to you asking why your mother is not invited to the whole wedding - won't it.

and I hope you have also included your words from your opening post ' the reception in some dark pub function room ' ...

While they're all laughing, what did they think about you starting a thread complaining about your nephew's decisions about his own wedding day?

"classless"

Apart from the fact it is quite normal in all the Churches I've been a part of to put something on the notice sheet inviting the members of the Church family to the wedding - Can I ask why you would invite anyone to the ceremony if you don't consider they are a big part of your support in life ?
It is the same thing. People who like you, and are there for you in the not so good times in life, and who you would support in their times when they need a bit of support.

I realise on MN it is alien to many to have a loving community around them, but I suspect there is a huge correlation between those all those people on the numerous threads saying they have no friends and that they are lonely, and those who ridicule the idea of people having a community.

100%

Oh dear. I think we can all now see why you and your mother are both not invited to the ceremony and your sister doesn’t reply to you!
Have you thought that perhaps they are laughing AT you?

But let's be honest it's not about support it's usually nosey old biddies with nothing better to do

But do the couple getting married actually want to invite everyone or is this something they have to put up with due to church tradition? I didnt invite anyone to my ceremony who I didnt personally love and cherish and knew on a one to one basis.

I actually do have a lovely group of really supportive people in my life, who are my actual community. They are close friends who I see on a regular basis, that's what community is. Community is not a bunch of random old bitchy woman with nothing to do but attend strangers weddings. Anyone turning up at a wedding of people they dont know are not doing it for support they are doing it for their own reasons.

blimey.

Well actually it's the law that they must display the details.

But in all honesty, and I say this as an ordained priest. The majority of people getting married in church do not believe, they are picking a pretty backdrop for the photos. And churches are way cheaper than comparatively sized other venues. Just like the majority asking for christenings are just looking for a good excuse for a party.

It is arrogant to assume that church is a community (I've met a few congregations for whom toxic hell would be the only adequate description), or the only community. People can be very lonely in church. They can have a loving community in the library or around the fish pond in the park. It is also arrogant to invite other people to someone's wedding unless they have agreed to that invite. The church is the people, not the building. A building is just a building.

Well those two responses are a bit weird.

"Arrogant" ??

I feel quite sad for you. I don't think it is unusual to assume that most congregations form a community. I've been involved in a few Churches myself, and talk to friends (of different denominations, and in different parts of the country) who would all say the same.

It is also arrogant to invite other people to someone's wedding unless they have agreed to that invite.
Well of course it would be.
No-one is saying otherwise.

The invitation notice - where I've seen it - has come from the hosts. Usually the Bride or the Groom or sometimes they have asked their parents to do it.

@Bababear987 But do the couple getting married actually want to invite everyone or is this something they have to put up with due to church tradition?

Well yes. Those that want to invite people do, and those that don't, don't.

I didnt invite anyone to my ceremony who I didnt personally love and cherish and knew on a one to one basis.

Again, same. Having gone to Church weekly, for 30 odd years when I got married, I think it fair to say a knew most of the congregation pretty well and had strong relationships with many.

I actually do have a lovely group of really supportive people in my life, who are my actual community.
Great. So why do you find it strange other do ?

They are close friends who I see on a regular basis, that's what community is.
I agree.

Community is not a bunch of random old bitchy woman with nothing to do but attend strangers weddings.
Nobody is saying it is. That is a strange figment of your own imagination.

Anyone turning up at a wedding of people they dont know are not doing it for support they are doing it for their own reasons.
and, again, nobody is disagreeing with that. But nobody is talking about going to strangers' wedding.

@CarpetKnees I feel quite sad for you. I don't think it is unusual to assume that most congregations form a community. I've been involved in a few Churches myself, and talk to friends (of different denominations, and in different parts of the country) who would all say the same.
Well if you want to call a toxic hell a community, then you do that. I had something more benevolent in mind.

But nobody is talking about going to strangers' wedding.
But you were. You said "Apart from the fact it is quite normal in all the Churches I've been a part of to put something on the notice sheet inviting the members of the Church family to the wedding" You only latterly changed that to an invite from the bride / groom or their parents, and only if they want to invite them.

Surely if you find a church congregation intolerably toxic to the point that you wouldn't want it's members at your wedding ceremony you would choose another location.

This is so sad! Can you rethink? Find someone else? Another relative? Hire a companion for the day?

What happened when you married, did you have a grandparent come?

If any random parishioners had taken it upon themselves to come to my wedding there wouldn't have been enough seats in the church for all our invited guests.

I think if you’ve grown up in a community- gone to church and seen DC grow from toddlerhood, pottering around in services, to adults, watched your DCs school friends throughout primary and secondary, when they marry in the village church it’s very normal to watch them leave, or go in and sit at the back of there’s room.

It used to be really normal to watch the big events- line the road for the funeral car, clap the bride as she arrived etc. In fact we got a clap as we arrived at the hotel after our wedding, from total strangers.

It’s less of a thing now, but I’m surprised how many people are totally unaware of it. Perhaps it’s regional- carried on in some places longer than others.

But as I said, the majority of people getting married in church these days do not go to church and nor, often, do their parents. So they may have no idea what the congregation is like - or a very good idea. So, for example, in the Church of England, you only need a connection to the parish - something as small as having been christened there is sufficient. Or living in the Parish and yet never having set foot in the church. If you have no connection to the church, you can still choose to marry there by attending a service once a month for six months. That is hardly indicative of anything about "community". Churches are often chosen for their photographic backdrop, not their place in someones life. It is different for active congregants, but the majority of people these days are not active congregants of any church. I think the most recently available figures suggest that 5% of the population actually attend church although about 46% describe themselves as Christian.

No, they’re not. As a young aunt who mentors my nieces and nephews meaning that they have budding exciting media careers we all get on well - but thanks