Kids who annoy you

[roseandviolets]

Yawning Kid.

Yawning Kid gives a huge, loud roaring noise as he yawns. (This species is usually male.) You have to stop speaking to allow Yawning Kid to finish his yawn. You suggest nicely to Yawning Kid that he yawns quietly, and covers his mouth in future. Yawning Kid looks around in absolute disbelief st his friends. "I was only YAWNING," mutters Yawning Kid. "Oh my GOD. Can't even YAWN in 'ere any more ..."

Fuck off, Yawning Kid.

Sensitive Susie.

"Right everyone! Books out, please!"
"Ohhhh," whispers Susie. "Don't SHOUT."

(Sensitive susie has no SEN. Sensitive susie manages to listen without screwing her face up during the deputy heads rants about the inappropriate graffiti in the boys' toilets. Sensitive susie can screech like a banshee. She's just being a pain.) Sensitive Susie is usually female.

Thespian Theo.

Theo knocks his leg against a desk or a chair, or is elbowed by accident by another kid. Thespian Theo yelps loudly and ostentatiously, shrieking and holding the offending body part in "agony." Thespian Theo will often ask for a wet paper towel or claim he cannot possibly write (even if the affected area is thespian Theo's testicles.) Theo is usually male.

Beautiful Beth

Beth is a lovely looking girl. Or, she was in Y7. Now she is in Y9 and is orange and black. She looks at her own face most of the time, either through a mirror or a phone. She brushes her hair constantly. She wears so much Victoria secret perfume that should missing, an average hound could probably track her down within sixty seconds. When you ask Beth to stop putting on her makeup, you get a vague 'huh? Oh ... In a minute!' Beautiful Beth is female. But occasionally her counterpart, Handsome Hugh, will have an elaborate hairstyle.

Touchy Tina

Tina gets a bottle of Pepsi out. You gently remind her fizzy drinks aren't allowed in school. 'Oh my GAWWWWD!' thunders Tina. "This school is per-feck-TICK!"
A group of girls are talking and you say their names - 'Girls? Anna, Tina, Jessica?'
'Oh my god, just pick on ME all the time doncha? Oh my GOD and it wasn't even me TALKIN. Everyone else is talkin' -' (Tina gesticulated to the now silent classroom) 'but yer just pick on ME!'

(This is light hearted and one day I will write about amazing annabel, wonderful William, hilarious Harry, beautiful (inside as well as out) Beatrice.)

But share yours: I need a larf!

Foghorn Finn. This child has an unusually loud or deep and bassy voice. They can't just have a quiet chat with their mates, the entire class ends up tuning into what they are saying. They complain that you always pick on them when 'other people are talking too' and you realise it's because theirs is the voice you always hear over the others and can identify without even looking. Also, they drown everyone else out.

Backchat Ben - simply incapable of following an instruction without saying anything. He will comply, but absolutely must have the last word.
'Sit down Ben'
'I was just about to'
'Everyone needs to write the date'
'I hate writing the date'
'Ben, you can't wear you coat in class, take it off'
'I like my coat'
Can be male or female, and gets in to way more trouble than he/she should simply because of an inability to keep his/her mouth shut.

I Didn't Understand Ivan

Usually only said when you call him out on not doing a task or tell him off for not handing in his homework. He hopes that you will say "Oh didn't you? Oh I am so sorry, no of course you couldn't have done it then-don't worry, we'll say no more about it!"

Will 'we' heck...

ClaraBell Andrews and CuthBert Arnold who leave their books on the desk at the end of the lesson or put it another classes box because reading the set label on the front is too much effort.

Sorry complete underline fail

elephant and who then come in next lesson and declare that YOU'VE lost their book.

I just put the correct box out for you to hand your books in.
If you take it home, leave it lying around or put it in the wrong box, it's not really me losing your book.

The Great Pretenders. Either sex.
Six months reading Pride and Prejudice.
So tell me about Lydia.
Lydia? There is no Lydia?
Yes Lydia, the youngest sister.
Huh?
You know she did something awful?
Huh?
If I say eloped, does that help you?
No. It wasn't in my book.
I explain...
The Great Pretender opens the book at a random page and "reads" about Lydia aloud. Basically just repeating what I've said.
Let me see that page please.
Closes book.
The end.
all the time.

"But X is always perfectly fine for me" is what I heard over and over in my first school (outstanding comp - best in the county. As a 22 year old, that was really unhelpful)

Then I moved to a shithole challenging school in London, and was astounded delighted to find that it's not actually like that everywhere. Colleagues who shared resources as well as tips and offered to help in a very practical way. It was mind boggling.

I'm sure the teachers were as they were in my first school because the competition for results when most students were academic and most parents were supportive was so hot. I'd never go back to an "outstanding" school like that.

MiaowTheCat I like being chirpy! Mind you I'm optimistic and suitably cynical so maybe optimism and cynicism leave a nice middle ground.

Another colleague Mr/Mrs jaded and pessimistic (bonus marks if they're long term supply and every conversation turns into them reliving the horrors of their last 20 schools). The sort who mope about and complain over anything. They love talking about the good old days. No well intentioned idea will ever work, in fact they're so determined to prove their misery is true they'll practically sabotage anything positive in a department because they love having something to complain about.

Another for annoying colleagues, those who give lollipops or balloons at the end of lessons, not those lessons that go into a break or lunchtime but the lesson I have to teach next.

elephant Aren't they also the ones who alsp let the students have music on the first time they ask, say they can go before the bell for break / lunch and have lots of 'banter'?

I know someone who gives sweets out almost every lesson for just turning up and getting through the lesson.

I award myself sweets for turning up and getting through some lessons

Thinks you were born yesterday Theo:

"Close that game down immediately, Theo."

"I'm not on a game. It's for physics."

"I can see that it's x,y or z game which I'm familiar with thanks, close it down."

"Ok, miss." (Minimises window)

"No, you've just minimised it. I said close it down. Press on the X."

"Oh, I didn't realise, sorry" (presses X)

"What about your other tab which is still open which also has a game on it."

"Oh, no, that's for film studies. I'll do my presentation now." (Opens PowerPoint and starts typing random crap)

"No, you still have the other tab open like I said. Close it down."

"I'm doing my presentation now, Miss."

"I'll close it down for you then, shall I?" (Takes mouse off Theo and goes to close down game tab)

Theo realises that Miss isn't a techno dunce after all and just might be into games too: "no, WAIT! I'm on level 8, I'm nearly at the top score, can I just finish this level?

Miss presses X.

Theo: "Doh."

Ctrl+tab to switch between internet tabs, ctrl+f4 to close the offending game. You don't even need to get the mouse! Alt+tab to switch between open applications and alt+f4 to close.

The kids look at you like you've just performed a magic trick, they're not usually familiar with keyboard shortcuts.

I shall remember that, giraffe

And best of all ctrl+shift+t to reopen the most recently closed tab. They look amazed when whatever it was the shouldn't have been doing reappears!

Ooooo I am actually learning something, thanks! That's not a student that's my reply to the keyboard short cuts.

That's an awesome one, Sambob!

Sambob WHAAAAAAAAA? This is a game-changer!

Ctrl+alt+t, Ctrl+alt+t, Ctrl+alt+t, I can tell if you've been n a u g h t y! Stop bloody coming up with stupid ways to remember stuff Elephant

Noble: I already know those shortcuts but is sambob's an actual one and not a wind up?! Cos if real that's bloody amazing. I'm gonna have some fun with the kids at school tomorrow mwa ha ha!

It's not working on my laptop .

Oh crap! It's control, shift, t. And it did work on my laptop. I have now learned to read and check.

And more than once i.e. last 2 tabs re-opened. Genius.