DD told me her 14 year old sister has had sex

[Ellne]

I have two DDs, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 14. They are in Y12 and Y10. DD2 moved up a group at her favourite sport and now trains with the 14-18 group, she seems to have made a lot of friends, many of them go to school with DD1.

DD1 told me on Sunday that DD2 has had sex, she said a girl she goes to school with told her, and when she asked DD2 she didn’t deny it. Apparently the boy has just turned 17 and is in DD1s year.

I have asked DD2 about this, I’ve reassured her I won’t be mad but if she has had sex then we need to get her tested at the very least, but she just denies it and goes quiet. I don’t know what to do? Do I report it even if she won’t admit it? Stop her going to the sport? Stop her going out?

We’ve obviously had the chat about contraception, staying safe, speaking up if you felt pressured or didn’t consent etc.

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this please help me.

I would take her to the clinic (don't make a fuss). I would give her privacy and let her speak to the nurse alone. I would also make sure she does a pregnancy test. Make offer her contraception choices.

Depends on the day! Sometimes as close as they can be, sometimes enemies.

They seem to have been okay? No more argumentative than normal but not exactly best friends.

DD2 has her sport on a Saturday morning and sometimes goes out with friends for lunch after, I do have her location but don’t check it every time so it’s possible to have been then if she didn’t go for lunch at all. Otherwise I don’t get home from work until 5.30 and the girls finish school at 4, sometimes they go home via their friends or bring friends back on the way. They don’t always come home together as some days one will stay late and the other won’t etc.

Tough one.
No point stopping her doing stuff, teens will always find a way.
Id go with disapproving support!! “You’re very young, I’m not sure this is right for you, but I’m not you….. and I’m here…. Always
Be there when she gets dumped!! Make sure she’s safe.
And never say. ‘ I told you so”

How confident are you that this is true? Some girl at school says it - it could just be a rumour, something your DD is being teased about (like they think she fancies him and are being dicks about it).

It’s tricky because obviously if true you need to do something like you suggest (get her tested etc). But if it’s not true, she tells you it’s not true, and you don’t believe her.. that’s not ideal for your relationship either.

It’s hard to know, DD1 seems adamant it’s true, apparently the girl who told her didn’t tell her in a gossipy way more “isn’t your sister only 14” way, and is the best friend of this boy.
However DD2 doesn’t have form for lying so I’m generally inclined to trust her.

All of this.

I wouldn't grill her on it. No point. All that will do is make her clam up even more.

She just needs to know how to be safe (if she doesn't already) and that she can come to you if she needs to.

She is a child, she can’t consent, she’s been raped. You need to take her to sexual health clinic asap. She could be pregnant, stds.

What do you need to get her tested for? People don’t get tested for stuff every time they have sex. Especially not with another young person.

Yes, it’s early, but 14 is not unheard of. I sure didn’t want to discuss that with my mum. And 30 odd years later she still doesn’t know I lost my virginity at 14. And it really doesn’t matter.

You’ve done the right thing telling her you won’t be annoyed but I’d back off a bit and just tell her you’re there for her and give her what she needs to be safe.

Sigh. A 17yr old and a 14yr old having sex isn’t rape. Unless she didn’t want to of course.

I’d suggest approaching it more from the angle of ignoring whether she has or hasn’t, and setting her up with the tools to make informed decisions on whether she does or doesn’t.

I can’t see reporting it getting you anywhere productive unless there are any concerns about coercion. If there are, thats a different matter.

And much as it’s tempting, jumping straight to ‘must get sti tested’ is probably not conducive to more open engagement going forward. It assumes that a) she did, even though it’s third hand info b) you don’t believe her when she says she didn’t c) that if they did, they didn’t use suitable protection.

Whereas the if and when you do, let’s make sure you’re suitably informed and equipped, probably gives the better long term foundation. eg. Know how to get condoms, have considered contraceptive options, know where to get those and have a sensible way of accessing that, know what to do if those fail and how to get a clinic appointment etc.

Those all apply whether she’s 14 or 24.

If this has come about via the sports club, it could be classed as a welfare/safeguarding issue.

Take her to a clinic ideally get her to agree to be on the injection. And make sure she has it every 3 months. Discuss consent. Make her know you are there for her and her decisions are her own.

trying to stop her won’t work. You are better off stopping a pregnancy and letting a clinic talk about STIs etc.

I don’t think its so much becasue of the sports club as that’s just where they met, they go to the same school and there isn’t many kids from their school at the club so I imagine they just gravitated towards each other as a familiar face.
He lives a few streets away from us and apparently they walk home together most days, DD1 says the walk home together every day, DD2 says it’s just be some times.

Report it to who exactly? And gain what from that?

I don't think you can report anything to anyone unless you have reason to believe she has been coerced or forced into something? Right now you don't even know for sure if it's true.

It is what is colloquially known as statutory rape and a criminal offence unless (since she is older than 13) he held a reasonable belief that she was 16 or older. It is still an offence if the boy is under 18 just the sentence available isn’t as high.

This. Also, I'd point out to her that the boy could really get in some trouble sleeping with a girl under age of consent.

I understand police don't usually act if one child is 15 and the other is 16 but I think 14 and 17 is a bit different.

Is there a brook advisory clinic near you. They are set up for teens. I’d see if she wants you to book an appointment and offer to go with her but stay in waiting room so she can chat in confidence.
I’d generally emphasise staying safe condoms and another form of contraception and not feeling pressured into anything.
14 is young but going ballistic won’t help. It’s understandable if they play sport together, go to school together and walk home together that they may have grown close.
Late night or in car is often a good space for teens to open up.

This! I can't believe every answer hasn't made this clear. If your DD goes quiet when you ask her about it, what does that mean? It could mean coercion, anything else, and obviously she can't give consent, she's under age. I'd be there to give her love, care and support but this can't stop at explaining how to be safe with contraception or whatever. She's a child and the older boy sounds like a predator. Especially given it must've happened at a very weird time, like, Andrew training during the day?!

I’m a sexual health nurse and i’d be quite concerned about a 17 year old sleeping with a 14 year old, it would ring safeguarding alarm bells for me. As a parent, I would want to ask a lot of questions and as a healthcare professional, this may even trigger a SG referral. Good luck asking some delicate questions.

That is not correct.
it is only rape if she hasn’t consented or if she is under 13.
it is unlawful sexual intecourse. If my 17 year old son was having sex with a 14!year old I would be furious. He risks getting a criminal record and it is totally inappropriate.
I would be reporting this to the coaches at the sporting activity because for me this is a safeguarding matter.

Sadly you need a supportive conversation with her. As lovely as sex can be it might not have been great for her, she may or may not have consented. She may also be pregnant and have an STI. She needs to understand that doing nothing could have life altering consequences for her especially if he didn't use a condom.

This is the talk she needs to hear no matter how quiet she is or mortifying it is for her to have it. You are here for her, you will support her through it all, whatever that may be, You need to tell her if she leaves it too long to discover she is pregnant then some options are off the table such as medical abortion if she is beyond 10 weeks. She needs information, she needs to know that some STIs may render her infertile.

She also probably needs a hug if she will let you.