DD told me her 14 year old sister has had sex

[Ellne]

I have two DDs, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 14. They are in Y12 and Y10. DD2 moved up a group at her favourite sport and now trains with the 14-18 group, she seems to have made a lot of friends, many of them go to school with DD1.

DD1 told me on Sunday that DD2 has had sex, she said a girl she goes to school with told her, and when she asked DD2 she didn’t deny it. Apparently the boy has just turned 17 and is in DD1s year.

I have asked DD2 about this, I’ve reassured her I won’t be mad but if she has had sex then we need to get her tested at the very least, but she just denies it and goes quiet. I don’t know what to do? Do I report it even if she won’t admit it? Stop her going to the sport? Stop her going out?

We’ve obviously had the chat about contraception, staying safe, speaking up if you felt pressured or didn’t consent etc.

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this please help me.

I thought it was statutory rape still. Has the law changed.

I think she is probably telling the truth.

Rumours abound in school, the girl who told your elder daughter would have heard it from someone else.

Believe her.

Yes, sex can be both consensual and unlawful as per that screenshot. It's not rape just because the teen is under 16.

it isn’t rape. A 14 year old can consent. There are offences of unlawful sexual intercourse as she is under 16. A 13-16 year old can consent. Get your facts right.

anyhow back to the OP I have seen your updates, all you can do is believe your daughter but ensure to have a conversation with her about being with much older boys and how inappropriate it is at her age for them both and what the consequences are.

No it hasn’t changed.

It's definitely not though

I agree with this, you have 2 choices:

1. Label her a liar & act in her interests wrt Sports Club, School, Health.

2. Believe her & act in her interests wrt Sports Club, School, Health.

Regardless of whether she had sex or not, it is clear that sex & the ensuing issues are coming down the track at you, so it's time for you to prepare. Things will go so much better if you have a good, trusting relationship with her.

It's really not

OP, tell your daughter you trust her, but you were overwhelmed originally by your maternal love and need to protect her.

There is no such concept in uk law. Under 13 is rape full stop, 13 and over can consent but it is unlawful for them to have sex (or to have sex with them) but it's not rape, because rape by definition must be without consent.

I agree it definitely changes things, I would still have a chat with her and just explain something like “this whole thing has made me realise I needed to make sure you know I’m here”, talk to her about contraception options, healthy relationships etc. It’s a good opportunity.

I think the year at school makes more of a difference to them (not to us!), some year 10s are 15 so it’s conceivable that they are having relationships with 16/17 year olds.

Hopefully if there is anything more to it and she likes this boy that this will be early enough to get precautions in place. Your poor DD it would be horrible to know everyone is talking about you.

Believe her. What are you going to achieve by disbelieving her? You won't make her any safer, and you'll teach her that she can't trust you.

Yes they can!

Do you think she may be unclear as to what constitutes sex? Did they maybe do something else?

No. Get your facts straight. She is a child.

I would move Heaven and Earth in your situation and absolutely inform all institutions possible and go to the bottom of this in order to protect a vulnerable 14 year old daughter. Also, total ban on going out, phone returned etc. Those here who say 'oh, how horrible, I would never talk to my mom again if she did this', etc. - I'd rather be a hated mum than for my daughter to have a termination at such age.

There is a huge difference between believing it's ok and insisting it's rape under the law. Personally if this were my DC I would be contacting the parents of the boy and warning them that there is a rumour out DC are 'dating' and they should speak to their son and warn him of the consequences of pursuing a 14 year old. My DS is 17 - if someone contacted me with a rumour like this I'd go absolutely ballistic on him. But he knows about consent and inappropriate age gaps very well already.

I honestly think you need to get the truth.
From your daughter.
she may be feeling ashamed, scared, overwhelmed, but she needs to tell you the truth with no judgement or consequence from her mum.
How you get that from her only you know.
If you believe she is telling the truth and it’s just rumours then there is not much more you can do. Make sure she knows she can tell you anything and that if she doesn’t want to tell you is there anyone else she can talk to?
Make sure she is informed of all contraception choices and the importance of consent and protection.

Do you have a ring doorbell so you can see who your children are bringing home?
Have You spoken any more to your oldest daughter? Did she tell you out of concern for her sister?
Do you know this boys parents?

It is not referred to as rape under UK law but the whole point of s9 of the Sexual Offences Act (via s13 if the alleged offender is under 18) is it is an offence regardless of consent. The only defence is you reasonably thought the 13-15 year old was 16 or over. The fact they consented doesn’t come into the legal test. That is in line with what is defined as statutory rape in other jurisdictions where consent is legally irrelevant to the offence.

The terminology doesn’t exist. The concept absolutely does.

My facts are very much straight. 13 to 15 year olds can consent to sex.

To me it doesn’t change things.

You never knew for certain (despite a load of people on here thinking that it was a fact and needing leaping on).

You still don’t know for certain either way.

You’ve got secondhand gossip from one daughter and direct information from another.

The one gossiping may need some conversation on implications of that, you may need to do some reflecting on how you responded to gossip and a follow on conversation with younger daughter on how you had best interests at heart even if may not have handled right. And you still have a teenage daughter who may or may not be sexually active and if isn’t now will be at some point. And whos now routinely participating in an activity where she’s the youngest ratger than with peers or eldest.

So the relevant conversations about all of that still need to happen. With an open mind on how relevant they are in the near term.

Under 13 can not consent and is rape. Under 16 is an offence. Starting point with a 14 years is 1) can they consent 2) do they have a disability for example and 3) who with eg person is a position in of trust - how old and the circumstances etc you need to think ‘rape’ in your head but it is different for 14 and 15. But you can’t assume consent. Many factors at play. That is the starting position.

Except for the fact that she is only 14 and a child and he is 17…

They can but you also need to consider other factors, age of the person that they have had sex with, relationship to that person (grooming potential issue), coercion, has alcohol or drugs been given to make them more likely to agree. Any pressure. Etc you can NOT assume consent

The age of consent in all UK nations is 16. That means those under 16 are not considered to have the capacity to consent to sex with someone over 16.