DD told me her 14 year old sister has had sex

[Ellne]

I have two DDs, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 14. They are in Y12 and Y10. DD2 moved up a group at her favourite sport and now trains with the 14-18 group, she seems to have made a lot of friends, many of them go to school with DD1.

DD1 told me on Sunday that DD2 has had sex, she said a girl she goes to school with told her, and when she asked DD2 she didn’t deny it. Apparently the boy has just turned 17 and is in DD1s year.

I have asked DD2 about this, I’ve reassured her I won’t be mad but if she has had sex then we need to get her tested at the very least, but she just denies it and goes quiet. I don’t know what to do? Do I report it even if she won’t admit it? Stop her going to the sport? Stop her going out?

We’ve obviously had the chat about contraception, staying safe, speaking up if you felt pressured or didn’t consent etc.

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this please help me.

No it isn't

I'd belive her - she sounds very pissed off TBH.

Much later on I'd be making sure both know how to access contractives and where to go for advice - so when time comes you know they are prepared.

I wouldn’t be saying that they HAD done it as I wouldn’t know that. But I would be informing them that there had been an accusation… which means it’s possible. I would t expect police action but I would expect the club to protect 14 year olds from possibly being groomed into sex yes.

I had a similar experience at probably the same-ish age, I didn’t have sex (it was fingering) but someone knew we were in the room together making out so they told someone we were having sex. It got back to my parents (I don’t even remember how) & they went ballistic, shouting at me, grounding me, banning me from seeing him again. They reacted all wrong & wouldn’t believe me it didn’t happen. It was awful being punished for something I didn’t do let alone the rumours about it too. Because I was grounded it made everyone believe it even more & I ended up being bullied for ‘being a slag’ whereas he was more popular for ‘loosing his ‘v’ card’. It was awful at school & awful at home.

Don’t make it harder for her at home, she’s probably dealing with some huge emotions whether it happened or not. Let her know she’s not in any trouble, that you trust her but you just want her to be safe & ready for when she does have sex. Maybe even offer her an appointment with a sexual health clinic to talk to someone that’s not you about any sexual feelings she has

My mum put me on the pill but I didn't like it so I didn't take it. I put myself massively at risk as a teenager, I didn't use condoms and slept with much older guys and they insisted on the no condoms. I wanted them to like me so did what they asked. The pill or any form of contraception is a great idea for a girl once she's sexually active. My mum didn't care what I got up to, so I have to say thank you for having that relationship with her and doing that for her

What would you report? And to who!?

I would believe her, it sounds like this is just an awful rumour, that the boy made it up. Poor girl, she must feel awful that everyone else is gossiping about her.
I think she will feel even worse if you are doubting her version of events.

My god if you where my mum id never tell you anything

It is now. Now he’s seen as a nonce.

Or a ‘friend’ of his, or hers, or a jealous boy/girl. Or just about anyone.

I wouldn’t lay the blame at his door too fast. Most 17 year old boys don’t brag about sleeping with a 14 year old.

Please feel free to explain why you think s13 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 wouldn’t apply if this had taken place as OP’s eldest suggested?

My dd has been really good about it shes been on it over 6 months has alarms on her phone to take it and she likes it as its helped her skin and periods

Hardly.

It is rape.
Rape is penetration without consent.

Someone under the age of 16 CANNOT consent.

Very surprised with the amount of people who seem to think it's acceptable for a 17 year to have sex with a 14 year old?

I would honestly want to go to the police if someone done that to my child.

it's hugely inappropriate to say the least.

The fact that it isn't legally "rape" but still illegal seems like a pretty irrelevant technicality to me. A girl in this situation should still be treated as a victim.

From personal experience of how much teenage boys bullshit and are obsessed with saving face, what I think is most likely to have happened is that someone had seen DD2 and the boy canoodling and started a rumour they had slept together, and the boy either went along with it to look like a big man or just failed to deny it. From your last update I'd say it's very unlikely she has had sex with this boy if she is denying it this vociferously.

I’m surprised people think a year 13 allegedly kissing (and possibly more) a potential year 9 is in any way ok or normal

She’s hardly going to want to open up to Op if Op goes off at deep end telling club she’s been groomed and reporting him to police for rape (which it isn’t..too much assuming from American tv shows)
He’s 2 school years older and part of her friend social group.
Agree it must be horrible for her if there’s rumours swirling she needs support not a mum going ballistic.
Other organisations have 14-18 as an age group eg explorer scouts or rangers in guides so I don’t think the club having a 14-18 yr old group is an issue in itself.

She’s yr10, he’s yr12 Op says.

You think she should have left her to rely on condoms??

Ok? Sorry I want to protect very young girls from almost adult males.

I said I wouldn’t expect police involvement… and she doesn’t even have to say the names of the kids involved just get the club leaders to have a talk with the kids about the law and proper behaviour among the team. God people are acting like I said to lock him up.

I think you would find the opposite would happen if you overreact like this

Legally is absolutely is not. Legally a 14 year old can consent to sex. That doesn't mean it's not unlawful for someone over 16 to have sex with them, but they can legally consent so it's not rape.