DD told me her 14 year old sister has had sex

[Ellne]

I have two DDs, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 14. They are in Y12 and Y10. DD2 moved up a group at her favourite sport and now trains with the 14-18 group, she seems to have made a lot of friends, many of them go to school with DD1.

DD1 told me on Sunday that DD2 has had sex, she said a girl she goes to school with told her, and when she asked DD2 she didn’t deny it. Apparently the boy has just turned 17 and is in DD1s year.

I have asked DD2 about this, I’ve reassured her I won’t be mad but if she has had sex then we need to get her tested at the very least, but she just denies it and goes quiet. I don’t know what to do? Do I report it even if she won’t admit it? Stop her going to the sport? Stop her going out?

We’ve obviously had the chat about contraception, staying safe, speaking up if you felt pressured or didn’t consent etc.

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this please help me.

Ok

So every adult woman walking around today is squeaky clean, are they? They never fooled around and lost their virginity in their teen years, did they? We know a lot of young girls are having sex, you can't say every single one of them was raped, otherwise there are a lot of women today who could make a claim about a historic rape. We are in that era with the grooming gangs, are we not? If she was actually raped, it will come to light in time because the little'un will admit it or let it slip out, not because a bunch of strangers on the internet became armchair experts and piled on.

I was 14 and I had sex, I was not raped.

It’s this sort of nonsense that makes young girls clam up.

This. It is rape a 14 year old can not consent. I would let the school know and take her to a clinic. I would explain to her you will support her but that contraception and pregnancy and her mental well being is your priority. You also need to report it to the police. At 14 she is a child.

Fair enough!

It's been handled terribly by everyone.

Poor girl.

In line with CPS guidance I would agree it is unlikely they would pursue it despite the letter of the law, although the age gap is almost as wide as it could be without one being under 13 or the other being an adult so that would be a potential aggravating factor. I disagree about police investigating as it’s a serious offence and without investigating they wouldn’t know if there were any other aggravating factors - presence of aggravating factors determines the CPS approach per guidance.

I am not recommending OP report to the police but “sigh, it isn’t rape” is exceedingly blasé and not a helpful reflection of the law.

I disagree. Times have changed there is a difference here between a 14 year old and another 14 year old (both too young). A difference between a 17 year old and a 14 year old. It is rape.

But the massive difference here is that you are referring to him as her boyfriend. So you know him, they hang together. You’ve met him etc. This boy hasn’t been on the scene. They walk home together from school. So they’ve made a pit stop and had sex in the park in November.

There are red flags for me too. Theres a lot been mentioned about pregnancy or STIs but little has been said about coercion. She hasn’t mentioned him as a boyfriend. I’d be very worried.

Except ‘statutory rape’ doesn’t exist in the UK.

The thing is DD2 might just be telling the truth? Anyone think of that? Or it might not have gone all the way for example. Another jealous girl could have started the rumours, worse things happen all the time.

Only OP knows if she believes DD2 or not.

That’s why I said “colloquially known as”.

She could of been coerced into it, pressured into it and been a ‘willing participant’ but as many victims can tell you - they were seen as ‘begging for it’ or ‘hussies’ - 14 to 17 is a huge gap. For a 17 year old who knows about consent and the law (compulsory PSCHE in schools) is a worry.

Priority is pregnant, STI, mental support, police and investigation, 14 is TOO young to be having sex. It’s the law and I work with youngsters this age and it is too young.

I’d be calling the club and telling them that allegations have been made against a boy there and that he may have groomed your underage child into sex… If they have had sex he has committed a crime and the club needs to take it seriously that it may have occurred and ensure that older teens aren’t able to groom younger members

I didn’t say it wasn’t an offence (which it is but it’s very rarely policed if close in age) I said it’s not rape. And it isn’t. You’ve proved yourself wrong weirdly!

Can people please read my update, I feel like it changes things.

I don’t know if I should do anything after DD2s response or if I should believe her as she was quite passionate and emotive.

I think you have to believe her (or at least be seen to!). It’s starting to sound like awful rumours about her are going around.
imagine it’s not true and everyone is going on about it. It’s going to be awful for her. She doesn’t need her mum piling in as well

There’s two school years between them - it’s not THAT bad…

Is DD1 friends with the boy? Can she ask him?

For DD2 I’d just give her the info for the closest family planning clinic, whether she did or not, you’ll leave it there , but you need her to be safe(now and in the future) emotionally and physically . Tell her you love her, you’ll always be there for her and you’re happy to just listen.

Then, if she’s dating this boy (since they kissed) tell her you’d like to meet him and have him over for dinner. Gauge the situation then.

But she said it didn’t happen. You can’t force her to submit to tests for things she says didn’t happen!

Someone needs to listen to HER rather than every other gossip around her.

It's entirely possible that the 17 year old lad has insinuated or told friend's that he's had sex with your daughter. The rumour mill has then started up, until it got to your eldest daughter. Your youngest denied having sex to her sister, she's denied it to you and now even had a row with her sister/you, still denying it. Unfortunately, young lads like to exaggerate and also they will tell bare faced lies to their friends, to make themselves look good. It may be a good idea she stays with her Dad tonight, although I'm sure he might wonder why? Leave some contraception information in her bedroom. Leave a note, saying that you love her, you want to make sure she's safe and you are there if she wants to talk. If you start going down the sexual health clinic, giving her pregnancy tests etc, you are effectively saying 'I don't believe your version of events, and I believe rumours over my own daughter'. She'll never trust you again.

Personally give her a hug, apologise and reassure her that you do believe her. I agree that it does change things

They were already arguing about it when they got in. DD2 got quite upset and shouted (well raised her voice) at both her sister and I, saying “I didn’t sleep with him, it’s a stupid rumour people are spreading because they are bored. We kissed that’s it’s, I don’t plan to sleep with him. If I was telling you I had slept with him you wouldn’t care what anyone else had said so why do you care what everyone else is saying when I’m telling you I haven’t”.

I'd let her know you and her sister are acting out of concern for her - whether it dealing with made up rumours or more but let her calm down first.

She has not been raped by virtue of having sex at age 14. Legally she absolutely can consent. That doesn't mean the 17 year old hasn't broken the law - he has - but it's not rape.

Fuck me. Would you really? Really really? Bet your children feel they can really open up to you..

True that is different my dd has been with her boyfriend for almost a year and hes always round here so not some random