DD told me her 14 year old sister has had sex

[Ellne]

I have two DDs, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 14. They are in Y12 and Y10. DD2 moved up a group at her favourite sport and now trains with the 14-18 group, she seems to have made a lot of friends, many of them go to school with DD1.

DD1 told me on Sunday that DD2 has had sex, she said a girl she goes to school with told her, and when she asked DD2 she didn’t deny it. Apparently the boy has just turned 17 and is in DD1s year.

I have asked DD2 about this, I’ve reassured her I won’t be mad but if she has had sex then we need to get her tested at the very least, but she just denies it and goes quiet. I don’t know what to do? Do I report it even if she won’t admit it? Stop her going to the sport? Stop her going out?

We’ve obviously had the chat about contraception, staying safe, speaking up if you felt pressured or didn’t consent etc.

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this please help me.

For those saying I should report it, who to?
What do I do if DD continues to deny it like she has, usually with a “we are just friends” “it’s weird rumours”?
I don’t really know how to handle it when I’m working on second hand information? If DD denies it no one is actually going to be able to do anything are they?
So do I remove her from the sports club, track her phone on the walk home so she can’t stop anywhere?
It would be easier if she admitted it.

That’s correct, it’s not statutory rape but 17 doesn’t seem an ‘appropriate age’ for a boy to be having sec with a 14 year old girl. I would ask questions about coercion, her understanding of consent, if he is offering any gifts/money in exchange, if he is asking for photos etc.

But she also seems him at school, and apparently the few kids who do this sport all hang out together, eat lunch together etc. Do I tell them too?

My son is 3 years older than my daughter and if he’d had sex with one of her friends when they were 14 I’d be furious and disgusted. There is SUCH a difference.

That said, you have no proof it is actually true. I think all you can reasonably do is tell her you’re there, thank you older dd for telling you and keep lines of communication open (and opportunities for meet ups minimised)

This post.....

You need to be straightforward but incredibly kind, she was probably expecting hearts and flowers and we all know it's rarely like that.

If she thinks you're cross, then I'm pretty sure that she'll completely clam up. But she needs to be aware that there are serious consequences. I'd make an appointment at a Brook Advisory (or BPAS are another useful organisation), and very gently take her. And please get her on some contraception.

I was a teenage mum, albeit not that young, and it was really hard. It also made everything a lot harder, and you miss out on so much.

If it is a formal sporting club they should have a safe guarding lead I would ask to speak to them. You could report to police but they will want to speak to your daughter and if she won’t speak to you she certainly won’t speak to them.
So you know anything about the boy? Is he in your daughter’s school? If so you could speak to the safeguard lead there as in all honesty a 17 yr old having sex with 14 year olds is a red flag for me.

It may technically be an offence but the police are not in the habit of arresting young boys for having sex with their young girlfriends if it is all consensual. It just doesn’t happen. The police won’t even investigate let alone arrest him.

I mean maybe she's telling the truth? It wouldn't be the first time in history a boy or a group of teenagers had made up rumours a girl had slept with someone she hadn't.

I didn’t realise there were weird and unweird times to have sex 🫤

So do I remove her from the sports club, track her phone on the walk home so she can’t stop anywhere?
It would be easier if she admitted it.

Could you talk to the safe guarding lead at sport event or school so they at least check in with her - and I mean you have nothing but gossip causing concern and her denial.

So other than make sure she know about consent and contraception - and persuably you've tried to have these talks already and perhaps about readyness - what else can you do? I doubt you can police her 24/7 and you don't want to alienate her so she feels she can't come to you in the future.

God no don’t report it anywhere!! You’ll just cement to her that she can’t trust you and she’ll never open up to you. Just explain to her the consequences of not checking for pregnancy/STD’s and let her come to you if and when she’s ready. Give her a hug and tell her that you’re there for her no matter what.

You are massively over reacting. Op my daughter is 14 and having sex with her boyfriend who has just turned 16. You can't stop them. I took my dd to be put on the pill and had a conversation about using condoms aswell, stds, consent etc. Ii tried not to make a massive thing about it and made it clear that she can talk to me about anything at anytime

You took your 14 year old DD to be put on the pill? 🙄

I think the mistake was asking her outright tbh.

I think you'd get a better response with "I've heard this and if it's true you should do x,y,z".

If she did have sex with him she's going to be in a very difficult place now that he's told his best friend who told your DD who told you...she knows everyone is gossiping about her at school, sports club and at home. It's hardly surprising she's gone into deny mode.

I would apologise for the interrogation. Confirm it's her private business. Tell her if it is true then she should take the MAP if it's within time or a pregnancy test if it isn't. Give her the information for a sexual health clinic. Tell her that she can confide anything in you or ask any questions she has.

It sounds like they are quite close- it could be worse. She’s sounds like she’s not going to want to talk to you about it though, so I’d leave her lots of reading material to look at for the time being, and let her know you’re open to speaking without judgment.

There should be a school nurse visiting the school regularly I would contact them or ask dd to go and see them.

Has she confronted the boy's best friend yet to ask why they are spreading false rumors ?

If not , then why

I know a couple of grandmas in their 40s who wish their mums had done the same.

Of course i did shes having sex it would be stupid not to. A lot of teenage girls are on contraception.

She needs very, very gentle conversation.
If she’s lost her virginity to a boy whose relationship with her extends only to walking home together after school, it doesn’t sound like this has been a loving experience for her.
She may be feeling very used, embarrassed, hurt, violated…
Keep the conversations light. Make sure she has an STD check and pregnancy test, with a nurse, without you present.
I feel awful for her.

Are you serious? For a 14 year old girl? Come on.

I run a couple of exercise classes for teens and the idea that a 14 year old girl in my class would organically think 'ooh it's 4pm, class is over, you know what I fancy now? Having sex.' is bloody ridiculous. It isn't her idea.

We're adults, we are meant to keep an eye out for kids and teens.

I would be inclined in your place to believe your daughter , it is likely there was some making out ., and hence the rumor re sex.....

talk to her about the boy in general, does she like him etc

I think it'd be obvious if she was raped. Rape is forced sex, is it not? Was she pinned down? If she was forced into anything she wasn't happy doing then she would have understandably come running to her mother for help and comfort. She didn't. She nonchalantly told her sister she had sex.

What about the boy ? I’d be asking her to bring him round so you can meet him. If it’s a close relationship and above board this is what you’d do surely. So if it’s a bit sneaky and he isn’t really committed this will show that up. And hopefully stop the relationship.

Yes do this OP