DD told me her 14 year old sister has had sex

[Ellne]

I have two DDs, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 14. They are in Y12 and Y10. DD2 moved up a group at her favourite sport and now trains with the 14-18 group, she seems to have made a lot of friends, many of them go to school with DD1.

DD1 told me on Sunday that DD2 has had sex, she said a girl she goes to school with told her, and when she asked DD2 she didn’t deny it. Apparently the boy has just turned 17 and is in DD1s year.

I have asked DD2 about this, I’ve reassured her I won’t be mad but if she has had sex then we need to get her tested at the very least, but she just denies it and goes quiet. I don’t know what to do? Do I report it even if she won’t admit it? Stop her going to the sport? Stop her going out?

We’ve obviously had the chat about contraception, staying safe, speaking up if you felt pressured or didn’t consent etc.

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this please help me.

You are mixing up the CPS guidelines as to the likelihood of a charge and the offence itself. Consent is irrelevant (other than a lack of consent would of course be a standalone offence of rape regardless of age) to the offence of sexual activity with a child even at 13-15 years old the only defence is the alleged offender reasonably thought they were 16 or over. Whether the CPS pursue it depends on aggravating factors, which includes those you set out but they are not part of the elements of the criminal offence.

Absolutely. But it's not automatically rape, statutory or otherwise. Legally, they can consent. That's not assuming they always have.

But, unlike if they were 16 or over, consent is irrelevant to whether they’ve committed an offence (with up to 14 years imprisonment if they’re 18 or over). It’s a distinction without a difference and a very peculiar hill to die on.

Except you might end up with a daughter giving birth if she’s too afraid to come to you .

Good lord, all of this back-and-forth about consent is pointless.

Regardless of the law, 14-year-olds in our society should not be having sex. Let alone with rando older teens from school. The idea that it is even REMOTELY ok is wrong. She is a child.

Mine wouldn't get another opportunity to get pregnant.

This is from a rape crisis site. It is not showing that a 17yr old having sex with a 14yr old is always rape. Because it isn’t. A 14yr old CAN consent. Doesn’t mean it’s legal. But it’s not rape. The law is very very clear on this, it’s not a grey area

I was thinking that but it looks very likely it was just a rumour from the start.

Having said that I don't think it really acceptable she should be dealing with rumours about her sex life or lack at 14 either - so I would talk to DD and see if she was okay with approaching club and school and trying to offer some support and stop any bullying/rumour making. (Then make sure later she does know basics and where she can go for support if she ever needs that). She may not want that either - fearing it could make entire thing even more of a thing when she was just ignoring it and hoping it would go away.

And that’s why your teen is probably shagging in a car park somewhere. Crack on

didnt say it was factually correct. Just saying what happens at school currently

Do you have a teen daughter?
The girl says she’s kissed a lad she’s friends with and she’s now under house arrest.
No school as she walks there and back. OP’s at work so can’t take and collect her, can’t homeschool her.
No hobbies inc sports club she enjoys.
No seeing friends or going shopping or for lunch.
Totally overkill and likely to end up with a teen with severe mental health issues, no friends and no hobbies.
It smacks of days of old when girls who got a reputation were packed off to Magdalen laundries.

Again, it isn’t called rape in the legislation but it is an offence carrying up to 14 years in prison and will be an offence even if the 13-15 year old consents. Because the consent of an underage person is not relevant. Read the legislation rather than a website. It is, indeed, not a grey area.

Given your update I would tread really carefully. I would say you believe her whatever she is telling you (but don’t go on and on about believing her cos that actually makes it hard and awkward to later tell you a different story, for example if she later wanted to admit it but you have gone on and on about 100% believing her she will feel like she’s letting you down). I would then say you have her back no matter what and always here to support her, no matter what. I would try have a sit on her bed maybe not looking directly at her (like maybe both with your backs on the cushions relaxed kinda looking out into her room) and just explain a bit about what boys that age can be like at times, and cover a wide range of things which would cover both possible scenarios (ie they can brag to their friends about things and play up to things to sound big and clever, as this applies whether they did have sex or not) and talk about how hurtful that can be if you trusted them or thought they were better than that. This may help her to realise this is not a personal reflection on her or her worth but more so ‘what teenage boys can be like’. And then say how horrible it can be when people as gossiping about you (again valid regardless of whether it happened or not cos either way people definitely are gossiping about her) and how you understand how upsetting and frustrating it can be, as you have no control over what people are saying but also that these things tend to blow over quite quickly, especially if you don’t feed into them with big reactions or adding more info. These are all useful bits of advice that she could probably use right now.
Then you could say look I don’t need to know the ins and outs, now or in future, i know you will want your privacy, but you’re a young woman and you will at least soon be sexually active even if you’re not already and this has given me a nudge to make sure you and your sister are fully prepared for all that. So I wanted to have a bit of a chat about consent and contraception etc. maybe leave it at that before actually diving into it, unless she seems very relaxed, as that might be enough for one chat.
Then try go on a grown up little mother-daughter date and find another chance to have a chat about those things.
Make it common place to speak about these things generally with little pressure and just show you’re relaxed, you ‘get it’ and she can 100% trust you not to judge her and just to love and support her

I will also add my mum did the opposite of the above and instead was banging on about statutory rape and how she would call police if I had sex with my boyfriend and how he will just be using me and will dump me straight after etc etc, so I just never told her, hid it all. Thankfully didn’t desperately need her for anything but god help me if I did. If I got pregnant or had an STI I would have never ever turned to her for help

No-one has argued it’s not illegal. Anywhere. At all. We’ve all just repeatedly pointed out it’s not rape. When you’ve realised you’re wrong you’ve suddenly change what the conversation is about! Great politician move!

I never said it was rape so not sure what point you think you’re making but you’re welcome to point out any inconsistency in what you think I’ve said. You haven’t done so. You are making a semantic argument that ignores the nature of the offence which is that consent is wholly irrelevant.

@youalrightHold on, you not only essentially gave your 14yr old outright permission but full on ENCOURAGED her to have underage sex, by putting her on the bloody pill?!? At 14?????
Breathtaking. Just breathtaking.

What was i supposed to do she has been with her boyfriend for almost a year. I cant watch her all the time i do have a job. So my priority was to at least protect her from pregnancy and let her know she can talk to me about this stuff without me getting mad or overreacting.

Yawn. Of course it’s not irrelevant. Many 14 yr olds want to have sex. I was one of them. I wasn’t raped. It’s ludicrous to lump it all together because you think a teen girl has no agency

It is irrelevant to the law. Which is the only thing I had been discussing, not whether 14 year olds have agency or not. What you did at age 14 doesn’t really have much bearing on anything and certainly nothing I have said.

Well maybe consider the human angle. If her daughter wanted to have sex, it’s not rape. A 14 yr old girl can have agency and make her own choices. It’s appalling the arguing against this

Oh my god! Seriously?!

Yeah. Trying to protect children from entering sexual relationships is “appalling”.

I’d believe her, especially since she doesn’t usually lie. If you report this and it’s not true, like she says, he could get in serious trouble.

The fact that this many posts in you still haven’t clocked that I have not made any comment or judgment on a) the OP’s situation; b) your situation; c) what the law should be; or d) if the law is fair but rather simply tried to explain to you what the law is (a black and white question of fact) since I happen to be a lawyer probably means that it would be a waste of time posting further. The “human angle” has no relevance to what the law says and is part of an entirely different discussion.