DD told me her 14 year old sister has had sex

[Ellne]

I have two DDs, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 14. They are in Y12 and Y10. DD2 moved up a group at her favourite sport and now trains with the 14-18 group, she seems to have made a lot of friends, many of them go to school with DD1.

DD1 told me on Sunday that DD2 has had sex, she said a girl she goes to school with told her, and when she asked DD2 she didn’t deny it. Apparently the boy has just turned 17 and is in DD1s year.

I have asked DD2 about this, I’ve reassured her I won’t be mad but if she has had sex then we need to get her tested at the very least, but she just denies it and goes quiet. I don’t know what to do? Do I report it even if she won’t admit it? Stop her going to the sport? Stop her going out?

We’ve obviously had the chat about contraception, staying safe, speaking up if you felt pressured or didn’t consent etc.

I genuinely have no idea how to handle this please help me.

Legally, it is. That is why there is an age of consent.

You are living in La La Land if you don't think a teenage girl who wants to have sex doesn't have the capacity to say "my mum won't be home until 5pm?".

The time between getting home from school and your parents coming home is when most teenage sex happens!

It must be horrible having all those rumours spread about you and who you slept with. If she did it's nobody's business but hers and his.

I wouldn't do anything other than say you're there if she wants to talk about boys or sex or relationships. And make sure she knows where to get contraception, testing etc.

It is very normal for a girl/woman to simply freeze if being raped. Fight, flight, freeze are all natural reactions to being attacked, but unfortunately the rapist then can try to spin things 'well you didn't stop me, you must have wanted it' etc.

A 14 year old is very vulnerable to manipulation. I would not rule out coerced sex/rape.

She didn't tell her sister, a third party told her sister.

You are quite misguided if you think victims of rape or sexual assault are reporting it immediately. Feelings of shame and denial are very common.

I'm not saying this happened in this case, but it's good to have a more realistic idea of how things like this play out.

If she's 14 it absolutely is her mum's business! Would be neglect otherwise

It's hilariously naive to think a teen wouldnt have sex because it's 4pm!! When I was 15, we would go to a friend's house after school to hook up with boys, because we knew her parents worked late so nobody was home. Teenagers are curious, opportunistic, full of hormones and desperate to be "grown up" - they'll have sex anytime, any place, if thats what they want to do.

what you have is a rumor. Your 14yo may be sexually active or she may be dealing with gossip and rumors.

She is perfectly capable of deciding to have sex at this age. She should be well armed with knowledge of consent and have access to at least 2 forms of contraception. Whatever is going on, both of your daughters need a sexual health tune up. Take them to the doctor so they can each independently talk about birth control options. Make sure there are condoms in your home. Talk about consent and emotional readiness not just once, but often.

Dear me

When precisely do you think that people who live with their parents have sex if it’s not opportune moments when they get privacy.

Married homeowners absolutely tend to go for bedtime / early morning. Teens and young adults - catch opportunities when they come. Bunking off activities when theres an empty house and their parents think they’re out rather than home is a prime one.

Every rape myth squeezed into your post 🤦‍♀️

That isn’t how the law works in the UK.

This is lost my virginity in the woods at 13 all my mates where doing it aswell. To think teenagers aren't having sex is naive

I would have thought his friends would have taken the piss out of a 17 year old for going out with a 14 year old. That's not very usual

so much drama! It’s only sex. I lost my virginity to a vague acquaintance at 14 and I never felt any of those things!

I had the afternoon off so was home when the girls got home 20 minutes ago.

They were already arguing about it when they got in. DD2 got quite upset and shouted (well raised her voice) at both her sister and I, saying “I didn’t sleep with him, it’s a stupid rumour people are spreading because they are bored. We kissed that’s it’s, I don’t plan to sleep with him. If I was telling you I had slept with him you wouldn’t care what anyone else had said so why do you care what everyone else is saying when I’m telling you I haven’t”.

She’s now marched out and told me she’s going to her dads for the night as she “doesn’t want to see her sister”.

This. I can't believe it needs saying.

She's 14.

Could the boy have been boasting - so he's lying, not the friend or your DD1?

To add to the "you're very young for this" I would be adding "do you think you could cope if you got pregnant? I knew a girl who..." (no good telling her about the statistics as they mean nothing to a teenager but personal stories might sway her!).

So confused by this. Are you saying teen girls don’t have any sexual desire? Or that they definitely don’t have it in the afternoon? Were you ever a teenage girl….

No, it’s not. Just Google it!

Wow.
You were so cool

And your life turned out great and you lived happily ever after. I'm delighted for you.

However, surely it doesn't take much imagination to realise that others can have a very different experience. For one, pregnancy is a definite risk and would be traumatic to deal with.

Happy memories of that golden hour!

Another aspect to keep in mind is- it may well not have happened.

Teens like to brag. Whether that’s him or her. The reality and the stories are generally a mile apart. Both for the ones who are, and the ones who aren’t.

Work with the actual facts Youve got in front of you. That’s a teenage girl whos likely to become sexually active at some point in her life. One whos at the younger end of the age group of some of her extra curricular activities. One who's likely to want to be part of the group, be that driving, drinking, drugs, sexual activity, training level, skills and techniques, bedtimes, travelling to events etc. Brutal reality is 14 and 17.5 are different and that won’t always be able to / shouldn’t be doing the same as the older group members. Needs to understand that and recognise it and be attuned to it.

She’s also got some new friends. It’s good to meet new friends, welcome them into home, bring those friendships / relationship to the surface rather than being hidden away.

My friend who lived with us for sixth form got home earlier than the rest of us because her sixth form was closer than mine. I know that's the time she picked, 4pm, and it didn't seem weird to me at that age at all, it's when I would have picked to be alone with my boyfriend too (though my longest relationship in my teens was when I was a bit younger and I didn't sleep with him)