Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

I'm completely at a loss with my 13 year old son. I have a 15 year old son also and the two of them are like night and day. 15 year old very easy and cooperative in comparison.

I've posted before about the 13 year old. He got into serious trouble in his first year of big school. Behaved badly on a residential and I think it's impacted him as he was bullied over it. Since then he has been isolated from school peer group and is in a friendship group of boys from other schools who seem to be bad news. Vaping, police, etc. At School he gets on fine and plays A team rugby. He is happy and doing well, just not fitting in and gravitating to socialising with this group I'm not happy about.

I'm not excusing my son. I've had police at the house over my own son's behaviour not connected to these boys but trespassing in an abandoned car park with two other boys.

In short he is impulsive and desperate to fit in / be admired. He comes across as the full package, athletic, smart, good looking, a real live wire. But I think actually he has low self esteem and he struggles to regulate his emotions.

I'm posting now because I spent Friday night in A and E with him after I had to collect him at 5pm from a funfair which he'd gone to after school with his friends. A passerby found him collapsed in the street in a pool of his own sick.

From what he says, he had taken a drink from a stranger which he thought was a soft drink but which turned out to be alcohol and he was vomiting, unable to walk, hysterical and incoherent. I'm unsure what to think but part of me is inclined to believe him because his whole group of friends were with him when I picked him up and he was the only one in this state.

Not sure how to proceed. He makes such stupid impulsive decisions and we are worried that next time the outcome could be so much worse.

My DS is about to fail his first year college course, I’m so tempted to help him with his coursework but he needs to do it himself as he is nearly 17 and needs to be self sufficient. He doesn’t go out at all, isn’t meeting friends, and seems pretty miserable. Lots of shouting, saying we live in a rubbish area (we don’t, it’s lovely), just plays football by himself in the garden. I get the occasional ‘love you mum’ but he and DH massively rub each other up the wrong way, and DHs parenting is rubbish, just has a go at him. Did your situation improve? He won’t get a job and doesn’t want the driving lessons I have offered him.

And things have escalated again yesterday evening when he disappeared out of the house at 9.30pm to meet a friend. Asked if he could go to the local shop and instead went to the town. I saw his location on snap maps after noticing he'd been gone for a long time. Drove down. He saw me and hid behind parked cars and the friend he was meeting cycled off.

Got him home but when we arrived at the house he said he wouldn't come inside and went off into the night. Finally found him in a wooded area near our house. Got him home, he had a shower, some food and went to bed. I took his phone away. Lots of crying and screaming how much he hates us both. I'm so distressed. I don't know what to do.

That sounds awful and I am really sorry. No advice but know you're not alone.

Thank you so much. I've phoned the GP this morning as we are worried he might harm himself. He's behaving completely normally today. Hoping the GP calls me back but it's a lottery in our practice.

Urghhh where do I start? Who am I? What did I do? What in hells name am I supposed to do? All hope is fading.

Is it normal for a 13 year old to want to spend all his time with friends and not any time with me? I only have one ds and it's just me and him. Myself and my husband separated in October last year and I just feel like I'm loosing the little boy I once knew

I think it's normal but really hard for the parent who hasn't changed and still wants to do stuff with DC. Mine is almost 16 and I quite often have ideas of things he would have loved to do with me when he was younger but now there is no chance.
It's a selfish age but I am afraid that the next time DCs will want to spend time with me is because they feel sorry for me and not because they actually want to!

Deliveroo has helped - they love food and while don't want to be out with me, they do love a takeaway so it's a middle ground.

@LarkspurLane believe me I have tried this and still nope. Offered takeaways so we can spend time together, taking him to his favourite restaurant but no he's not interested. Suppose I'm finding it a bit hurtful

@Whiskyfromsmallglasses , Similar here. All you can do is keep trying, e.g. 'family movie' with popcorn, taking them to a cafe, whatever, but I've noticed with my two (18 and 16 now) that for the last couple of years they are just not up for outings with Mum and hanging out. We do, but minimally. I try to value those times we do still have, even if it's just watching an episode of Good Place over dinner. I would keep trying, however it is also important to start focusing more on yourself, your health, social life, hobbies etc. It is so weird and horrible not being needed as much as before, but they do need you more than they let on, it's finding the balance between still being there for them and also shifting to focusing more on your individual wellbeing. You're doing great and I hope you feel better soon!

Ooft. I hear you all and I’m sorry. We didn’t sign up to this right? So many of us in the same boat. Trying our best. Wondering where we might have gone wrong? Wracking our brains, when in reality, it’s likely we’ve genuinely tried our best, our kids are just at a ridiculously difficult stage in their lives and it’s our first time trying to get that particular kid through the teenage birth canal onto their adulthood as it were. You have my sympathies and I pray you’ll find some strength to actually keep going and not crack like a walnut (been there, doesn’t help, pah!)

So things are a lot better with my 13 year old. He spent a few days way with his dad who works away during the week. His role means he was able to take him along and they spent the evenings etc together cycling, eating out etc. He came back in a very positive frame of mind and has been fine since.

I just have one niggling concern around this friend who he sneaked out to meet (says the friend convinced him). He says he is his best friend. We are not trying to ban the friendship but at the same we don't want to encourage it more than necessary.

My son had started an activity that he really enjoyed. This friend started coming along too, monopolising my son (in my opinion) and has now quit the activity, and my son is following suit. Disappointing but what can I do? I've spoken to my son and said, you loved this activity, you are good at it, you don't need to quit because your friend has. We shall see if he listens.

I am good friends with his mum. She messaged me this morning asking if me and my son wanted to do an activity with them next weekend. I have made an excuse as I am hoping they will drift apart. They had drifted apart (different schools) but she sees my son as a positive influence on hers, and convinced me to meet up, which I did, and then the friendship sparked again. I kick myself for this as I did it out of kindness.

This friend has a lot of issues with behaviour and has introduced my son to this circle of friends who I don't think are positive.

I feel bad for my friend because I want the boys to see less of each other. I know if I say that she'll be devastated. Both she and his dad (seperated) think the world of my son and that he is a really positive influence on theirs.

I'm not so sure.

The last time I agreed to an activity with us two mums and the two boys it was absolutely fine, but I just can't shake the feeling of discomfort. My instincts are screaming at me.

So we had come to an agreement that he would be allowed out with his friends but that he needs to agree everything with his dad and he needs to stick to arranged times in order to earn our trust.

He was allowed to go out today from 1pm - 4pm. It's now 5.20 pm and no sign of him.

I am just so bitterly disappointed that he's chosen to ignore us like this and broken our trust again.

Well he is home now and apparently lost track of time.

not easy!

Just had confirmation he's been in trouble again. Expecting the police to call in the next few days.

More vandalism.

I'm broken. Just so broken. He's upset and scared and I'm trying to reassure him but also impress upon him the seriousness of this. He is running out of chances and will destroy his future. However how do you tell a silly, frightened 13 year old that?

He's impulsive and thrill seeking.

He said himself that he gets caught up in the moment and forgets that actions have consequences. He said himself that he wrecks things for himself just as he is getting back on track.

He starts counselling next week but I've no idea if it will help.

We've done our very best. We've tried our utmost to parent him and bring him up well. I just feel like throwing in the towel because nothing we say or do seems to penetrate his impulsivity.

I'm lying here in bed in a complete panic. There are photographs of him online. Not very clear but I recognised him instantly and he confirmed it was him.

Maybe the police involvement will help . Ask for some help from social services? We had extremely difficult years with our teen and social services helped to the degree that they were someone I could talk to. It’s a terrifying time but ours is in the later teen years and the impulsivity has calmed down a lot. Hang in there

I've just called the GP again. I tried last week but wasn't deemed urgent enough for a call back. I doubt I'll get a callback today but I can hope.

Thank you. I'm trying.

I'm utterly broken by my 17 year old DD. She has ripped me a new one this morning. Some of what she says is half true, but me having a go at her is a result of her being so utterly vile 24/7. She doesn't understand how it is hard to be pleasant to someone who is so vile the whole time

She's said I don't take her mental health seriously, I have a go at her every single time I see her, I don't support her, everything is always about me, I attack her, I always slag off the boyfriend's mum which makes me like my mum....(I absolutely don't btw...I don't know her, but I admit I get shitty with DD everytime I see her going on family trips with them because she will never come anywhere with us anymore)..the list goes on and on and on.

I have had some incredibly dark thoughts over night. No one prepares you for this shit do they? I'd love to go back to a time when she loved me

To all of you. Luckily my best friend and I are now past the teenage years with our kids. We were chatting about it this morning. Both of us would do babyhood and childhood again but NEVER the teenage years. We both had utter hell with our kids and wouldn't ever revisit those years. They are both out the other side now but things have been hellish. I'd say to all of you, it's NOT your fault. I do wonder whether we should do less for children and the real biggie, let them face the consequences of their actions. They really have no idea of the damage their behaviour causes to parents, siblings and the wider family. Something has gone very wrong.

I agree. Give me a toddler any day of the week

God yes it's really hard work. Worse part is that you never know what's round the corner... the minute you relax as things are peachy ... bang something else hits!!!

I feel your pain guys, always glad to hear stories of coming out the other side! I listened to a podcast by Dr Stuart Ablon which helped and I had a good chat with DD earlier, however now she's just texted to say she wont be back tonight because she needs to stay somewhere where she feels more comfortable!! Argh

Feel this. They are fucking mean. Hopefully she will get a reality check soon. Mine did.