Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

But definitely a hand hold. It's so unpleasant when you can't pass a single comment without being snarled at.

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know

Well worth reading.

Thanks @Cornishbelle and @DancesWithDucks - I shall read that link now.

im also going to read through these threads to find my bretheren! Honestly it’s just exhausting. I feel like my child has been abducted and replaced by someone else. We had to buy some trainers today for holiday at half term (which is going to be joyful, with him in this groove) and I reached out to press the end of the shoe to check they had room and he swiped my hand away and I swear he growled.

if I go in for a bedtime hug he turns sideways so I get his shoulder and him and he shrinks in on himself.

Yet somehow, (how???) his sister tells me through the school grapevine that he’s got himself a girlfriend (explains the showers and the lynx). HOW??? He can’t communicate - how the hell did he get to that point??

Beyond bizarre.

My DD was very hard work 11 till 17.
Worst at 13 to 15

Keep busy. Try to ignore them. It's so hard on Mums. So hard.

They turn from a cute puppy to a snarling guard dog.

That's a great analogy actually.

Do lots of stuff for you. HRT

exercise. Spa weekends. Gigs. Girl weekends away.

My teen girl has pushed me beyond all my mental boundaries. She has abused me mentally.

She's nice when she's down.

Otherwise she's brutal.

Bossy. Micromanaging. Difficult.

My sister is the same.

I am destroyed.

Help! How do you ignore the constant disrespectfulness.

Apparently I'm not worth it, I'm an idiot, I've ruined his life, I'm a thief (because I won't give him money back for a present he bought me). He is rude, argumentative, back chats, the list is endless. I feel so broken and lonely and can't get off this wheel of torture. I've tried my best to give him as many opportunities as I can but it's never good enough. He's a15 year old boy. Yeah I know, I know, hormones but that doesn't give him the right to be so disrespectful. Apparently I'm now acting illegally because I've told him to do his own washing! I really can't cope

Eugh. I’m sorry. Only solidarity. I don’t know how you make effectual change. If I did, I’d gladly share my secrets xx

It's just awful. I'm daydreaming about killing myself so as not to have to face it anymore. If there was a way to do it that would be reliable and look like an accident, I'd do it. I think they'd be just as fine or not fine without me. Just don't think it would be great for them if they knew their mum had killed herself.
So I plod on.

Just want to say a quick thing which i hope helps some of you. We went through terrible time with teen from 14- I am not sure how it could have been worse- drugs, violence, etc. It can and usually does get better. ours is 19 now has moved out and grown up a lot. Having to look after themselves and truth be told a bit of distance between us has helped our relationship and we have just began to enjoy each other’s company again. There is sadness as things are probably different from what i had imagined when they were tiny. BUT and it’s a big but, they are so so much better than i had once dared to imagine
I used to cry most days and we did get social services help but at one time i thought none of us would survive it but hold on, things will get better

So sorry you're going through such a rough time @RosaCorn.

My eldest daughter (now 18) went through a period of self-harming a couple of years ago. She has autism and although she wouldn't open up and talk to me about it, I think it was a form of 'autistic stimming' for her. Fortunately there was no suicide ideation. Like you, I didn't discover it myself, which made me feel like such a rubbish mum. We did get some counselling for her and it helped a little bit.

It was a horrible period for us all. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells around her, unable to tackle her challenging behaviour because I feared it would cause her to harm herself.

Hang in there, I was very low during this period and my own mental health was through the floor. At points I wanted to run away because it was all too much, but it did get better.

Sorry, I have no advice, just a handhold.

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling.
However bad our kids are to us, however little positive emotion they show us, however they try and show us they don't care, that they're rather we weren't around, we DO matter to them.
YOU matter to them.
I won't say go and talk to friends or other people- I know it's hard to share.
But do give yourself little kindnesses.
Let some of the hurtful things they do go over your head. Don't take it all to heart.
One day you'll look back and this phase will be behind you.
Do take care of yourself.
X

Do you know what? Many parents have felt like this at times. I fantacised about ending it so much when we were going through a really bad patch. You feel like there is no way out. But as you say, plod on, one foot in front of the other. Take it one hour at a time (never mind one day at a time). And remember to be kind to yourself. Eat well and get lots of sleep. I've come out the other side now, kids are better. Boy was it tough though!!

Thank you. It is SO tough isn't it. One hour at a time.
Half term to contend with now. Will be trying hard to keep her occupied, which is also tough when she doesn't want to do anything.

How are you all? X

it's uphill work, isn't it? Oldest is much better than he -was- but he's sort of the boss in the house, specially if my partner isn't here. It's no good, but dealing with the explosions is more than I have strength for.

There are nice moments and moments where he will respect the rules, which wasn't the case a year ago,. It was just utterly horrible then. But overall, it's not right (yet?).

Checking in. Ds is y11 now but really struggling to dig into his studies. He has no idea what to do next, and still harbours dreams of YouTube stardom like he's 12/13. DD in Y9 is great academically but very touchy. Dynamic between the pair of them is poor mostly due to her. She's very unkind and snappy with him and he's v sensitive with few friends so I hate that he gets it at home and well. Just me as the adult presence and sometimes I just step back out of weariness. We rarely play board games anymore because she attacks him if he douch as breathes in her direction. 😠

It’s not easy here. DS is ok if left to do his own thing which basically means holed up on devices. I’ve just seen a sample of his GCSE coursework and despite literacy interventions for dyslexia and doing it on a computer it’s full of errors which detracts from it and its meaning. Teacher has pointed out he can make amendments but I’m not even sure DS can see his mistakes in the first place and my trying to get him to review his work is unlikely to happen. I’ve asked school what can be done to support him to improve his work but am not holding my breath. Do I go over it myself 🤷‍♀️ That just feels wrong. I’m just disappointed I fought so hard for literacy support in school and this is the outcome.

Not great here and getting worse. Lies, lies and more lies. He is the boy who cried wolf. All I want is honesty, I don't ask for much. He was home late from school today and I've asked him just to phone and let me know if he's going to be late. I don't for one minute believe his story but I'm now the bad one because I don't believe him. Not even sure this is making sense, my mind is so full of, I don't even know what. I wish I had the guts to run away, not forever, just enough time for him to realise how he is negatively impacting my life and our relationship. I'm wishing my life away just so I can be happy again sometime in the future. This is such a hard road to tread.
Hugs to all

@howaboutthistime
I can relate to many things in your post. Parenting isn’t easy and not for the feint hearted. Solidarity.

I am struggling too.
Dd2 seems completely swept up/swallowed by her social life, an inability to say no and a victim of her popularity at school. Result is contant arguments with me because I think at 15 she needs to be helped to find a better balance.

Everything is getting sacrificed to socializing, even new boyfriend now. Scary to watch tbh. Dd1 went through similar and ended up messing up her A levels as a resultand I was unable to stop her, so this brings back bad memories too. Never had this with the boys, I feel like I want to get it right this time but I am on a losing streak again :(((

I keep thinking how the previous years were hard but each year is worse does it ever get easier. I get so angry because my siblings have lovely well behaved, academic teens that accomplish so much, my siblings kept their careers and now have money, nice things and lovely easy teens. I feel like my motherhood has been stolen from me, they can't remember the fun, loving mum. my dd says to me, I'll be a much better mum than you've ever been. I give up my career to be a stay at home mum I'll come out the other end with a crap pension and children that see me as a failure and have no respect for me. I've never been a shouty mum, always available day and night. Now I feel like crying all the time as I'm so poor and just have no enjoyment in my life.

He was home late from school today and I've asked him just to phone and let me know if he's going to be late. I don't for one minute believe his story but I'm now the bad one because I don't believe him.

Very, very familiar. He tells the truth more often nowadays but the scars run very deep. It's made parenting my younger boy more difficult as it's hard to believe him after the experience with the elder, but it's very unfair as the younger tries hard to tell the truth. Need to re-adjust my parenting again.

It's shit isn't it.

Can I suggest NVR. It is working (not wonders) for me.

NVR?