Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

I posted on another thread about my two boys. One is 12 and very challenging and worrying atm.

Anyway, I worked a full day in my job that I love and that really interests me, it's my safe space too where I can be good at what I do but it's a hard job and a lot is expected of me. Then did dinner for the boys. My husband is away during the week so I do all cooking and ferrying to activities.

While making dinner I negotiated with the 12 Yr old to go to a training session of a sport he has played for years. He didn't want to go but I pretty much forced him as I knew it would do him good and I'm keen for him to engage in real life, not just online. It was really hard going. I hate conflict. I wanted to give up and give in and let him rot on the computer all night as he wishes to.

He raged at me but he went and I think it did him good. I had a tonne of other stuff to do, but then around an hour before bed time he asked me to come out to the garden while he practised for his sport. We ended up playing together and chatting for around half an hour.

It was lovely and he seems in a good place now. However the toll on me is enormous. I know it sounds petty and selfish but to go from demanding work to extremely emotionally demanding parenting with no break, and no time for anything else in my life, is not easy. Of course, I'll make any sacrifice I have to for his safety and wellbeing, but just needed a small vent about the burden which i feel is placed on me that I have to shoulder alone.

Should have said, 12 Yr old is challenging behaviour wise, in trouble at school and with police earlier in the year. We clamped down, removed phone etc, and he improved but seems to gravitate towards friendships with trouble makers. Found Snapchat messages of him trying to buy vapes. Quite withdrawn and giving me worrying vibes but does not open up a lot and lies at the drop of a hat.

Your 12 yr old sounds very similar to my 13 yr old @GlassLampshades. Every morning it is a huge struggle to get him out of bed (if I didn’t he wouldn’t go to school, fortunately he hasn’t yet completely refused). Then I come home (usually as soon as I can) to encourage him to do his homework - if I force this he will usually get very angry, kick doors, throw things around and really upset his younger sister, but on a good day he will do something, though usually the bare minimum. He still does sport in a club and while he is always keen to sign on he usually makes a fuss about actually going. Mine too has been in trouble with the police in the past and we were told by the policeman to encourage him to stay with sport as much as possible. So I’m hoping that as long as he is going to school each day and doing (some) sport he will sort himself out at some point..strong discipline has worked for a while when he has done something really bad but doesn’t work for things like homework (for us)

Hello, I just need somewhere to vent. My autistic DD17 broke up with her boyfriend on Tuesday. Well he said they’re “on a break” but he’s messing her around and stringing her along. I can’t stand him, he treats her like dirt, suspect he doesn’t respect women full stop, he’s rich, entitled, arrogant and makes her feel like she’s always in the wrong. I was honest with her and said I thought she was better off, he doesn’t treat her nicely etc. planned a nice evening together tonight. Bought an expensive takeaway and we were going to watch a film. As soon as I got home she started having a go at me. I said if she wasn’t in the mood for film and takeaway that was fine, we could do it another time. She insisted she wanted to. Then I was just getting monosyllabic answers, wouldn’t come out of her room. Again, I said we could leave it. She said no. So I spend a lot of money on a takeaway and sat down to choose a film and she just went off at me saying I was the problem in their relationship, I’m too involved (I’d previously said he can’t stay over during the week because it’s a small terrace with one bathroom, mornings are hectic with work and getting my younger daughter to school and it just doesn’t work). I said that I didn’t feel I was involved in their relationship and perhaps it’s easier to blame me than him, and was then subjected to half an hour of her defending him and saying how great he is. I have to say at that point I lost the plot. I don’t like this guy but I’ve welcomed him in, fed him, been nothing but nice to him. I feel like I’m always painted as the villain, even when I’m trying to be nice. Now I feel bad because I know she has to direct her hurt and anger somewhere, and it has to be at me but it’s so hard always being the punchbag.

Hi @Crocamoc different age and situation here, but I so relate to always being the punchbag. It's unfair and so hurtful and I think it's completely legitimate to lose the plot sometimes, I really do.
I am so angry at my daughter but suppressing it as she's suicidal and instead I am being an arsehole to everyone else in my life.
How are things this morning?

And @GlassLampshades I hear you on carrying a huge burden, and you are doing it alone. I was going to say I hope you have some rl support, but not sure when you would find the time. But I hope you can find ways to nurture yourself as well as your kids.
And @Marchpane123, sounds like such a difficult situation. Just so draining. I hope he can stick with the sport. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to support him.
Everyone here sounds like such a great, loving mum. I'm so sorry so many of us are going through such shit times.

I am so sorry to hear about the situation @Crocamoc and yes, it is because she feels safe with you that she says these things. @RosaCorn thank you so much for your kind words. I must say that all through the challenges I’ve had with my son over the last few years I have been surprised at how kind people have been - my default expectation is to be told it’s because I’m a bad parent but actually a lot of people have been very kind (and more people have experienced challenges than I would have known).
I was thinking of my cousin today and it gave me some hope so I thought I’d share. He was the ‘black sheep’ of the family, had drug problems as a teen and ended up drifting for a few years in his twenties. Everyone had more or less given up on him, except his parents. He has now been clean for 10 years (in his forties) and to be honest had done more good in the world than any of the more ‘compliant’ siblings and family - he has a really happy family, meaningful job and is a really active support to anyone else facing addiction issues. It’s a long road and who knows what ‘success’ and happiness will look like in the future.

@Marchpane123 thank you so much for the story of hope. I've been feeling so hopeless and just sitting sobbing, and a story of hope was exactly what I needed to see.

Hope is vital.

for the first time, things with my 16DD seem to be slowly turning a corner. I feel like I have won a watch. The impact of the last 3+ years have obviously been significant on me; perhaps more than I realise or know.

It took me a long time to heal, I still don’t think I fully have. I still get that anxiety in my stomach when she calls.

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom
So glad to read that, it does take its toll. I hope you’re out the other side and on an upward trajectory.

@GlassLampshades what you write really resonates with me. Also a lone SP and I know I'm being "lazy" often by letting both of mine spend too much time on devices and not doing something more productive or engaging but I would literally be living in a permanent battleground if that was the case. Mine have had EBSA issues and any sniff of being unhappy or reluctant for school has me instantly churning inside. The last two years have taken a huge toll on me. It's visible.

Sorry to hear others are going through the worry.

I had felt things were going reasonably well with my 12 year old. He seemed to have calmed down a lot. Doing homework, playing sports etc.

However life manages to humble me everytime I feel like I'm getting out of the mess. Have just looked at my phone search history and found extensive porn site visits going back weeks. It is him as I allow him to borrow my phone for music, tiktok and Snapchat. I'm feeling gutted and scared about how to address this with him.

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. It just feels fucking relentless and terrifying.

As a start I've turned on safesearch so if he uses my phone to search he won't have easy access.

I recognise that feeling that things are going well and then finding they’re not @GlassLampshades . It’s exhausting and so stressful. Someone will be along with better advice on the website visits soon but I wonder if to some extent the boundless possibilities of the internet provide temptations that are very difficult to resist , due to ease of access etc. I’m not sure he’s done something ‘wrong’ here (and important he isn’t humiliated) but I can see why you are worried - I think I’d be inclined to sit down with him and try to have a discussion about how porn doesn’t represent normal relationships, importance of consent etc but try and separate this from the viewing history (which I’m not sure I’d mention, but he will know that you know from the change of settings). Just my thoughts…do hope you have a better day today

Ive had this too. There's only so much you can do to prevent access, even with parent control apps, so it's really important to get the message across that what they are seeing is not real, not a good representation of sex and in some cases they will be watching actual abuse in progress and contributing to it happening. It's absolutely crucial that he feels communication can happen above all. But yes it's relentless and the worry of what's next never goes away. For me anyway.

Hope some of you have had a better week. Solidarity.

Thanks

it’s been mixed with some rain 😛

Could do with a gentle hand hold.

Just had a massive blow-out with Ds18. Long story short he's meant to be paying rent (not a huge amount but intended to incentivise him to find work rather than lie in big any longer!) but what little he has earned has been spent on weed and food . Not a pretty argument he asked "what r u going to do about it?" and amongst other things I told him our house would be happier without him & if he could leave and come back when he's returned to the lovely boy he once was we'd all breathe a sigh of relief.

Now I feel like shit. But honestly I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with this but knowing he leaves, I've likely lost him forever as he hates me and blames me for everything.

Just saw this, sorry. Gentle hand hold right here.

It’s just sooooo hard. You have my empathy. Big time

@@boyohboys You didn't deserve this is any way. You have to put up the boundaries eventually or you become a doormat, and his future partners will have an entitled person to deal with.

You're human and entitled to be treated with decency, same as everyone - him, you, and everyone in the house.

It might take a while for the dust to settle but I hope that he comes through and realises how lucky he is. When I was 18 I was on my own.

Can I join? I’m having a tough time.

I’m an only child from a small family and haven’t seen teenage years happen apart from myself. My worry at the moment is my DS, 13, and genuinely not knowing whether how he is is totally normal or not.

It was like I lost him overnight. His voice starting breaking last winter and by Easter his mood and personality was really shifting. At the moment we have a grumpy, bad tempered boy who has gone from being the most loving, chatty, cuddly person to the absolute polar opposite. I don’t recognise him at all. He spends all his non-school waking time in his pyjamas and oodie, with the hood halfway down over his face. He will not look at me. He will not ask me anything or open a conversation. He replies to any questions or attempts to talk in sentences of 2 words or less, and all the words have one syllable or are a grunt. He won’t say how he feels, he won’t discuss anything. He’s suddenly very picky with his food but equally will eat any rubbish available, but if he had his way would do so in the confines of his room with the door shut.

He doesn’t argue with us, but he just seems to be raging underneath the surface. In a way I wish he would argue back then at least I would know he hasn’t forgotten how to string words together!!!!

He has 2 showers a day and there are clouds of lynx coming out of the bedroom, but no desire to dress in anything other than pyjamas. I catch him adjusting his hair whenever he passes a mirror, but if I am seen to notice, or even look at him, I get ‘UHHHHHH’ and he stamps off.

I’ve sat down with him (he physically cringed away from me) and we’ve checked there is nothing bothering him, issues at school, etc etc - all ‘NO - UGGHH’ responses. He is doing well academically according to reports and parents evenings but when I ask he says ‘hate it’ or ‘it’s boring’. He has a good tribe of friends.

is this all normal? Really?? How can this awful, pent up angry growling and hissing result in a rounded, pleasant adult? Am I doing something wrong or not doing something I should? I am clueless.

@Mykittensmittens no advice just solidarity ,my ds has seemingly morphed into Kevin the teenager overnight too

@Mykittensmittens oh dear, he has got it bad hasn't he.

Im afraid that this sounds within normal so far. I had it explained to me that, I think the gist is that the hormones start changing massively now and in fact the pre-frontal cortex, responsible for controlling planning, working memory, organization, and modulating mood, develops slowly during this period and the parts of the brain that govern emotion regulation are kinda not doing well.

Essentially they have lost balance and it can take some time (years) for the brain to mature enough to regain balance and stability. They're also negotiating pulling away from their parents, friendship and social issues, perhaps sexual issues, study and becoming their own person.

They desperately need to know Mum is there though and for both interest, love and healthy boundaries.

It's bloody hard on Mum though. My son was dreadful for about 4 years and then one day it was as though he had flipped a switch and he was infinitely better. In fact for a few weeks he went over the top. He'd been a sod and knew it and wanted to make it up.

But almost all children come through this, especially if they have had a good solid foundation in early childhood. Even if they haven't, if there have been hard knocks, mostly things work out well.