Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

I am in a horrible position with my son (14). Like all of you I have spent my life trying to do the right thing for him - reading to him every night to encourage a love of books, spending hours and hours playing imaginative games with him, never leaving him to cry alone as a baby, etc etc. What a fool I was. We sent him to a private school in year 3 where he has coasted along until the last couple of years, where he has gone from ‘average’ to failing completely. He has expressed interest in going to the local school and we have been encouraging this (as he makes no effort at his current school at all) - but now it comes to leaving (we’re in Australia so end of the year is December) he says he won’t go and if we make him change he won’t go to school at all. I feel like such a complete failure.

Eugh that sounds so hard. You’re not a failure, but I can get why you feel like one. We are taught that if you put the input on you’ll get the right results. Sadly with kids it’s not guaranteed… however, it’s early days, he’s in a complex phase of life, growing neorodevelopmentally. I pray you’ll find ways forward. Great big squishy hugs from me to you x you’ve got this

Sending you all a hug this Christmas Eve x

Sending hugs back, to all of you.

It feels like he was so nice through Christmas. He got all the lovely things he wanted and now he's back to being so unbelievably nasty to me again.

I just want to curl up and sleep so I don't have to face the pain and sadness anymore 😭

Boys develop late he may turn this around at 15/16. Or 17/18.
Often when they fail in exams they hate it and then do well.

Eugh. Not easy. Who wants to run away to a hypothetical spa with me? My treat 🙏

I'm having such a hard time at the moment. Ds1 is finally giving up weed (hopefully) because of the job he wants to do but it's definitely affected him mentally, lots of paranoia etc. it's been 2 years of hell. Ds2 is not happy at school, won't revise for his GCSEs, hardly goes out socially and at 16 is still in nappies at night which I'm sure is destroying his confidence. We've tried everything, including taking the nappies away for a year but that just ended up with massive amounts of washing and no improvement. Ds1 thinks it's all our fault for babying him and my head is spinning....

@1newname sorry to hear that. Have you seen a doctor re the wetting? My DS wasn't reliably dry at night until about 12/13. We used an alarm and bedmats rather than pull up pants. I'm with you on the not studying though. He's a v young 15 and supposed to be revising for mocks. It's like wading through treacle. He says he needs my help but every single time I say let's sit and do X he says 'later'. He's currently on very poor grades and says he understands what's needed to get to his goals for next year but just won't DO it. I think he's just not ready. Needs another year or two to mature emotionally. He's ADHD but won't consider meds which is a whole other battle.

@BBibbleandSqwauk oh yes, I started taking him to professionals when he was 9. He's seen the enuresis nurse and specialist at hospital. He's tried the alarm and medication but they haven't worked and he's very pessimistic about the whole thing. With school, he was a high achiever until year 10 and it all went downhill, which he says is because he'd found it easy up until then and when it got harder he couldn't be bothered to put in the effort. I think he is low on confidence but I don't know how to help him. He is bright and a brilliant guitar player

Thinking of you all tonight. How are things

Can I join please

Hello everyone, I need a gentle hand hold please. My mum died 2 days before Christmas at it was very harrowing and awful watching her die and it wasn’t the way you’d want your mum to go. I had to go back to her house last week to sort some things out, and it was incredibly hard as everything was how we’d left it when the paramedics left, there was medical equipment everywhere and it was really tough sorting everything out. While I was away at my mums my 18DD thought it would be the perfect the opportunity to sneak her ex boyfriend into my house (he’s banned from the house due to his extremely bad behaviour when he was dating my daughter and since they broke up) and then she lied and lied and lied to me. It feels so thoughtless, selfish and callous. Kicking me when I’m already so low. What’s worse is I really thought she’d finally gone no contact with him and was starting to move on. She’s now at her dad’s and refusing to acknowledge she’s done anything wrong, furious with me, furious with her sister, everything is all everyone else’s fault. Her sister has said she wants nothing to do with her and it’s another huge emotional stress on top of trying to plan my mums funeral and sort out probate and do my job and be a mum all while grieving.

@Crocamoc im so sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. Sending a big handhold and thoughts your way.

Have come across this chat as I was desperately seeking answers/shoulder to cry on for my current situation
My dd is amazing. Underneath the behaviour we get.
ASD PDA.
I just feel so ill equipped for this phase. But I felt ill equipped most of them time. I hope we all make it through ...and that things get better before too long.
Wish screens did not exist. Poor kids. Poor us. It's hell. Am here with you in the trenches.

How is everyone? January is such a dark month it feels endless.

In February it will be two years since DD (17) experienced autistic burnout and dropped out of school. She's at an online school now but says she is so lonely.

She says she can't contact her old friends and she can't do any activities as the only way to make friends is through school. I am out of ideas as to how to help.

And every time I think there is a chink of light she falls back again. I'm exhausted.

And with no motivation for work. I've met two people this week in my organisation who got months off to care for relatives, when DD was suicidal I was offered 1 day. I hate how angry that unfairness makes me

Sorry for moaning

You’re not moaning. It’s hard in the trenches. That’s the brutal truth! Here with you!

Sorry I missed this. Hope things are a bit better now xxx

@Crocamoc - so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. My mum passed in November, so I appreciate how tough it is and how much you've got on your plate. Has the situation resolved itself now with your DD?

Thank you @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom it is hard in the trenches! How are you doing?

And so sorry for the posters who have recently lost parents it must be a really tough time for you 💐

Morning. I haven’t been on here much at all. How are you all?

Up and down @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom as always! How about you?

Same, feel like life has been so busy. DD has exams coming up and she is so worried for them - not really sure what to say. They're her first "proper" exams at school but not like GCSEs or anything.
Actually though, that app she has been using - luna - she said has been helpful with exam prep and nerves so that was a great investment. Think it was like £30 but totally worth it for her anxiety.
Hope everyone else is ok and get to enjoy some sun in Easter hols xx

Interesting @NattyPinkTiger always good to hear positive news. What is the app?

@Chrysanthemum5 its called luna: Period tracker for teens - but I think if you just search luna in the app store it comes up. It's just a really good app for girls to have through puberty, I think. The school mentioned it to us as a good resource and I think DD was already using the free version of it but when school mentioned it and she was struggling to track her periods I upgraded and it seems really helpful. DD is even teaching me some things from it!

Hello everyone. Things are hard here. DD18 has A levels next month. She is autistic. She clearly isn’t coping with revision over the holidays. She had a 2 hour screaming meltdown over needing to make a revision timetable so her older sister spent ages making her one, colour coding it etc. She has barely looked at it. Been out every night, not done any revision. She cannot be civil to me for more than about 30 seconds. She ruined my birthday, Mother’s Day and the celebration meal we had for her older sister getting a very high mark on her dissertation. I’ve tried not to get involved in her revision because she gets very very very angry when I ask about school work. She said she likes the separate parts of her life to stay separate. But yesterday she got in from work and immediately announced she was going out again. I said she seemed to be going out a lot and was she managing to stick to her revision timetable? That kicked off 2 hours of her screaming abuse in my face, throwing things at me, calling me every name under the sun and eventually packing a bag and saying she was staying at a friends for the night, she went between being furious I wasn’t showing more interest in her revision and furious that I’d dared to ask if she was managing to get it done. She upset DD10 so much she couldn’t sleep last night and DD21 is annoyed she spent hours making the revision timetable that now isn’t being used, can’t wait to leave and get back to uni. I don’t know how to handle it all. I stayed completely calm last night and said from now on I won’t ask about her revision at all. Part of me thinks I should just stay quiet and not say anything, and part of me thinks I should try and talk to her and there should be some consequences. She said she can’t wait to leave so I’m no longer involved in her life and once I’m gone she won’t ever be stressed again 🙄 . I’ve done so much to support her and be there for her through so many challenging times and now it feels like she wants to cut me out of her life as soon as possible. Her dad just wants to be her best mate so doesn’t do any actual parenting, just buys her things and tells her how awful I am. I’m exhausted by it all.