Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Wondering if it’s meant to be NVC (non violent communication)

Ok he's back to foul. He's struggling at school and Ive been in hospital for 2 weeks which is unsettling but he's not talking to me, he's not answering questions, he's not even coming to eat without a fight, he's like a black stormcloud if he's not on his computer.

Ive not been well at all and this is doing my head in.

unsettling for him*

Omg. Girls can be mean.
My DD17 is hard as nails. She's breaking me every day.
This is torture. I really wish I'd never had her.
She was a joy from 0 to 10.
Secondary school she starts bullying me.

She wants complete freedom. But bosses everyone else around her all day.

Including me. All the while belittling me.

Between her and my elderly mum. I'm breaking. And work and husband.

And no one really cares. And they wonder why I don't want to watch miserable tv.

I feel like I've fallen down an awful rabbit hole.

@Flyhigher I'm so sorry. It sounds like hell - your own home is a hostile place, or even a place filled with enmity. I really hope that you can get moments of peace somewhere.

Thanks.

How are you doing @Flyhigher

Yes, how are you all?

Im always hesitant to check in with positive news I'm case I jinx things but we seem to be on an ok stretch at the moment. DD has actually tidied the kitchen twice today after I complained that I was really annoyed that after cleaning it yesterday both her and her brother just dumped their plates from the bedrooms on the counter. They've fine their homework and it's been a peaceful weekend. Sorry to hear so many of you are struggling. It really can be hard to feel like your own home isn't a safe happy place.

Bit better! But god she's mean.

Mean sucks 😔

How very hurtful, @Flyhigher

They don't realise just how long mean comments linger, too.

They really don't.
It all about their self expression. Words hurt for years.

I think I have to work around her a lot.
And I find that really hard.
You choose friends and partners that fit you more.
But family you dont get to choose.
It's really really hard.

I work around oldest son too. It's better than it was but easy it really isn't.

Hey all,

Feeling quite down this morning about DS (18) general attitude and frankly quite alarming misogynistic, right-wing views. Because we've not actually spoken much recently I hadn't realised quite have far removed he was from my own ideals and everything I thought I'd taught them. It's really bloody sad but I'm not sure what I can do about it and am concerned about his future relationships with women as his lack of respect is palpable😥
I know we clash, but it turns out he also thinks I'm just the housemaid and because I WFH it doesn't count "mum, seriously, it's not really work is it!". "why the F**k should I do XYZ when I'm at work and you're just sat at home"! And recently talking about the US elections he was spouting Trump nonsense & yes in the past Andrew Tate was defended as misunderstood all no doubt from dreadful YouTube & TikTok bile that he's taking as fact. We try and discuss, explain, give more balanced/sane views but it's like he's happy he's found a way of being a STRONG MAN. Christ it's depressing I thought I was raising boys with a strong mama who would champion women and put equality and kindness above all else.
Fuck me another fail - it really is the gift that keeps giving this parenting lark 😞

I hear ya.

My daughter shouted fuck off this am when her dad tried to raise her for school

How can that be the child we have so lovingly raised?

Well, our autistic oldest has 90% likely just failed his school year .. Already.

Repeating isn't an option as he's failed spectacularly and isn't motivated; he'll not be allowed to repeat.

At a total loss what to do.

He doesn't want to work either. He can't just stay at home doing nothing and gaming all night and sleeping all day. If he doesn't go to school/work we get a 400e fine every month, which isn't do-able.

But the main problem is that he's so unhappy and just doesn't want to work at anything at all.

Eugh I’m sorry that sounds so difficult. It’s so hard to get help too isn’t it?

It's easier in the NL than in the UK, but you need to fit into the right categories ... And the bureaucracy is a true nightmare. If we can't get him to school, we could eventually be facing a 400 euro fine a month. We are doing eveyrthing we can to help but I can't physically get a 16yo boy up out of bed and clothe him and get him to school myself when he's fighting it all the way. Nor should I!

When will this end??? I'm not even sure how to write it all down, I just can't think straight, I'm so sad.

He is so rude and disrespectful to me unless he wants something then he's as lovely as can be.

He lies, he's manipulative, he twists everything, he can't see reason even when the facts are glaringly obvious.

I want this to stop but I don't know how it can ever get any better.

I'm single so don't have this to share with anyone and I only have my mum left and she can't see he does anything wrong, she thinks the sun shines out off his ....!

I took his laptop away from him tonight so he couldn't do his homework. It's due tomorrow but he's had a week to do it but has left it till the last minute. Apparently it's my fault he'll get a detention. Is that wrong if me? He promised to do something today but chose to play football instead. This has has been going on for about 10 weeks and keeps coming up with excuses. I just can't bear the lies. I've tried all kinds of consequences but nothing has worked so now I'm stopping him doing homework, i don't know how else to make him stop and think.

I'm such a bad person in his eyes, I just keep failing ALL the time😭

@howaboutthistime his eyes are teenage eyes and you're his mum. At this pont, I don't think you're going to get (or can expect) approval from him. At this point, that's not your purpose. Your purpose is to provide stability and love while he rails against you and draws away, getting ready for adult life.

I dont think you were unreasonable to take his laptop no, as long as you warned him (once) about his homework, if it was his regular bedtime. At this point, you're also representing real life, where actions (or lack of them) have consequences.

I totally feel you on the rudeness, lies and deceit. My older son is a bit better on the deceit now but it's been so extreme for years that honestly, it's left a mark. I don't fundamentally trust him, and I wish I could.

Similar views here with my DS (18).
He's nice enough and respectful to me, but seems to have those exact views about women generally, Trump, etc.
I ended an upsetting conversation recently with something along the lines of I guess the next generation always disagrees with their parents - your views are quite similar to your grandparents. This is not exactly true, but the GPs are quite right wing and not exactly what he was aiming for! I wanted him to realise that his views aren't new and groundbreaking, he hasn't found a totally new way of thinking, etc.
Anyway, it's hard but you know that they do know your views, you've brought him up with your views and hopefully they will realise in a few years that the world is not black and white.