Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Thanks @BibbleandSqwauk . I can see why you wouldn’t want to move your son if he has had such a bad experience.
I am very tempted to give mine a bit more time in the hope that he will sort himself out but not optimistic. He is massively disorganised so doesn’t seem to know what he should be bringing to school, what homework is due etc etc. I can sort of understand this is related to his ADHD but can’t understand why he is so resistant to getting support for this (absolutely will not use his diary or any other planning method). He wouldn’t get up and go to school unless I made him and often this will involve a lot of screaming and abuse. Exams start in years 11 and 12 here so there is a bit of time but it’s very hard to see how this will end well.

I've just put a three hour time limit on his x box. Told him he can have it removed once he's completed 2 hours of schoolwork .doesn't have to be all in one go, but needs doing. He's slamming doors and being belligerent. It's awful. I feel so attacked and I know that really it's probably not going to achieve anything but if he restarts in Sept having done none of the summer work that everyone has to do, let alone any catch up work, he'll immediately get detentions, be behind and probably not go in. I feel completely helpless. Just reading a thread on AIBU about a 15 yo raised in Romania with a v strict routine and no screens. The mum is getting a hard time but the kid sounds great, focused, driven, diverse interests, healthy. Everything mine isn't.

I hear you! my mum always tells me comparison is the thief of joy x but I compare all the time - it’s hard not to 🥺😞

Things are still pretty much the same for me. I think I'm learning to cope better with the situation though.

DD3 is sticking rigidly to the contact spreadsheet her father 'kindly' sent me when he moved more locally in June (after doing EOW for 12 years).

My partner and I spent the weekend sorting out DD2 and DD3's bedrooms now that they don't have to share a room (as DD1 has moved in with her dad). DD2 chose a new desk, bed, paint colour, bedding, curtains and accessories. It took all weekend to sort out, what with painting two rooms (though DD3's room was just a repaint of the same colour), building furniture and moving the high-sleeper bed from one room to the other. I texted DD2 yesterday to ask whether she'd like to see a pic of her new room or whether she wanted it to be a surprise for when she got back from her trip with dad. Had zero response from her so far.

Despite living with her dad, DD1 decided she 'CBA' to join him on the trip, We met on Sunday and my partner and I took her out for lunch. She spent most of it with her headphones on, watching Tik Toks. I completely understand that her autism affects the way she interacts but having spent so little time with her since she moved in with her dad, I was hoping for a bit more interaction.

On the upside, my friend's dog has had a litter and we pick up our new puppy at the weekend.

Actually, writing this down has made me tearful so maybe I'm not coping as well as I thought I was

Soooo hard. I’m sorry. Hugs from this mum to you. X

Ugh..can I just jump on and moan. Am with my two, 15 and 13 away for a few days and I'm so sad. I keep bursting into tears. I'm spending £££ on food and entry tickets to things and the only conversation I get is either complaints, bickering or monologues about their separate niche interests which I don't give a shit about. Neither of them care what I want to do or eat or will listen to me talk about my interest. It's unbearably lonely. DD just told me to shut up with real contempt in her voice as I've suggested it's time to get up and be on with the day. Single parenting really fucking sucks at times.

Really frustrating. But I don’t think this is a single parent issue - I am a single parent and know many two parent families with same issue. Although of course they have another adult and we don’t. Can you find something you would all enjoy? Can you do something for a few hours without them. Hope it improves

@Elizo hi... obviously I know that teens can behave like this with any number of parents but this particular dynamic is always and actually almost the only scenario for me when being an SP really sucks. My kids are opposite sex, totally opposite interests, pretty selfish and rarely prepared to compromise. Today is a perfect example of how everyone would have had a fabulous day doing what they wanted if their dad had been there to pair off. We are out in an unfamiliar city so they're not really "leaveable but we'll all have some space once back at base ..but that's the thing..if we're only having a good time at the apartment, what's the point coming away?

I'm so sorry @WarningOfGails. It's devastating and exhausting. How are you doing over summer?
And a tight hand hold to everyone on this thread. Wish I had some wisdom to share but I have nothing.

I finally had a conversation with DD where she was honest with me about her self harm for the first time in weeks, having told me she had stopped. I believed her for a while because I really wanted it to be true, I guess.
She said she likes it and she doesn't want to stop and she's not interested in alternative coping strategies and she doesn't want my help. At least she's no longer denying it to me, in the face of all the evidence.

Im sorry, that’s hard. So hard.

How are you all x

Not good here, DD18 not answering her phone & not come home after college & we dont know where she is...

@duvet - any news? Hope she is back safe and penitent.

I’m tired. I can’t even be bothered to write about DS (15) but am heartened know you’re a here. I am just finding parenting exhausting.

Hope everyone is ok. After two years with one or other of mine school refusing l, both have had good first weeks back and seemingly quite upbeat. Last year was absolutely hell with ds (15) but he is quite positive. I'm not confident in it continuing though. I think I've been really affected by the trauma of last year and never really trust any progress.

Things are pretty much the same with me.

The OW has asked to go for a coffee with me. I sense that, like me, she's not happy with the current 'arrangement' and also wants to stick to the contact spreadsheet. It can't be easy for her either.

I have had a pretty rough summer and I am exhausted. Worked all summer and the only holiday we have booked had to be cancelled as dh got covid and gave to me as well. 4 teenagers at home, with all their shenanigans and conundrums to sort out. Really tough going.

Came back to check this thread tonight and to see how all my buddies are x

Can I have all your tips for getting a 13 year old back into school. It’s a new school for her. She’s been in two days and a couple of hours besides. She’s protesting after happily getting the uniform on having breakfast and getting as far as the front doors of the school. It’s a new school due to necessity; I don’t have another option. I’m a support worker in another school and she’s had two sessions of counselling so far. I’m stumped.

@Paperdolly

Think you have to play detective and try find out why she’s suddenly refusing. I’m assuming this is her first year in seniors and it’s often a big jump from primary. It could be friendships, anxiety unmet needs or a mixture. Hopefully she’ll talk to you about it.

@Paperdolly EBSA almost broke me two years ago. My dd started being reluctant in y6 and started having a few too many sick days. First two weeks of secondary were fine then she just completely froze. Couldn't get out of the car. Couldn't explain why. She described it as a wall between her and the school. She wanted to go but couldn't. She was bored and lonely at home, was hating it and wanted to be normal. In the end I.moved her to a much smaller, private school with enormous pastoral support where she could sit in a room with a sofa and a hot chocolate and work until she was able to go to classes. She's totally fine now and still can't really explain it. I'm sorry I can't give you more specific help but there are some FB support groups that are amazing. I'm a SP who works (as a teacher) so it was hell sitting outside her school knowing I was late and missing classes. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. All I can really say is try not to panic, talk to your employer if that's an issue too and seek help. The LA are legally obliged to provide EOTAS work if she has more than 15 days off. They don't have to be consecutive. If it persuars, look up the SENDIAS team at you're LA. They will advise you also.

It seems all of those

Still pretty 'meh' here. ExH has told me that in addition to DD1 living with him, that DD2(14) now wants to be based at his house. He doesn't feel that this has anything to do with DD2's boyfriend living in the next street to him though. 😂DD2's boyfriend lives - according to DD2 - in a nice big, immaculate detached house, I'm not sure my little run-down rented semi really cuts the mustard. I've asked for reassurances that DD2 is not left unsupervised with the boyfriend - none given.

DD2 - who was excited about us getting a puppy, now views the puppy with disdain (ExH doesn't like pets).

To DD1 (who has ASC) I'm still very much 'out of sight out of mind'. She texted me seven times this week, six of the texts were her wanting money. ExH forgot to order her bus pass (despite me emailing him twice in June with a link to the application form and the deadline for applying) and forgot to top up her lunch account (so she said that she had no lunch that day).

DD3 is still an absolute joy but she's not a teenager yet (she's 12) so it could all change!

I just don't know what to do. After 12 years of parenting without him, I'm pleased that the DDs are seeing their dad more, but he's really acting in a controlling way now that he's closer.

Forgot to add that he's now having an issue with DD3's school (he never had any issues with DD3's school before he moved back). It's a good school that we were both relieved that she got into before he moved back. There's another secondary school close to where he lives now. I think that's his next move - to get DD3 into the school that's closer to him.

DD3 seems very happy with her current school.

Ha! This is our house! And usually also bc of similar ridiculous bath issues/entering room with verruca/saying snarky things among three teens. They are so rude sometimes, to me and one another, and I thought I’d always set a good example. I would honestly love to know how parents dish out useful and appropriate consequences— is the only option to take their phone? I feel as though there’s nothing to enforce better behaviour. I’ve tried the calm word once they’re settled/when we are getting along well but don’t feel it helps. What do others do that works?