Page 2 | Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 2023-10-01T18:46:32+00:00

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳 no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Lindy2 · 03/10/2023 08:40

bendmeoverbackwards · 01/10/2023 19:52

Thanks for the new thread @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom what a friendly supportive group.

My 16 year old dd is currently out of school and quite possibly going through autistic burnout 😢

I have a 15 year old who went into autistic burnout at the start of the year. I knew nothing about autistic burnout until it hit our household like a juggernaut turning all our lives upside down.

DD is improving a bit now. School attendance is very low, GCSEs are a write off for this stage in her life but she is functioning and communicating better now.

All I can say is make sure you look after your own physical and mental health while you go through this. The system will push you to get things back to normal, particularly with school. I tried that and it made things a lot worse. Low demand and just leaving DD to sleep (and sleep) was the only thing that made any difference.

Eddyraisins · 03/10/2023 11:21

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 02/10/2023 21:42

My daughter has just upset the whole apple cart tonight - causing her brothers to lose their peace too - all because she didn’t want to get out of the bath / wrap up for bedtime: she’s horribly rude, entitled, patronising and seems unprepared to be reasonable. She does my box in and now my husband and I are at loggerheads too.

great, just great.

Mine is the same.

So entitled. It's all about them. All about how we make her feel. Not one care about how she makes others feel. It's what she wants to do or nothing and she will kick of until she gets it.

Eddyraisins · 03/10/2023 11:23

Flyhigher · 03/10/2023 08:26

@incognito50me I listened a bit to parents and watched them. She is just always out. So you can't learn anything

Same here. Literally like not a proper family.
It's heartbreaking.

Crocamoc · 03/10/2023 12:55

My autistic 16dd has just returned home after a week at her dads. She had to go after physically assaulting me and trashing the house in front of her 8 year old sister. She’s come back with no apology, no recognition she’s done anything wrong and no remorse. I have tried to explain that her actions have consequences, how scared her sister was etc but it’s like talking to a brick wall. She barely acknowledges anyone in the house, she’s so addicted to her phone it’s scary. I’ve told her phone has to come downstairs at 11pm because she was up until 2am talking to boys and then up at 6am for school (which is what lead to the meltdown, she was totally exhausted). Thats caused another huge argument, and an ongoing row every night when I go to remove the phone from her room. She’s refusing to talk to me or her older sister, she’s completely entitled, arrogant and uncaring. She’s had so much support and love and care poured into her that I can’t quite believe how awful she is. I try to make allowances for the autism but sometimes I wonder if by doing that I’m just enabling really horrific behaviour. Her dad lets her do what she wants so he’s no help. It really does help to know there are others in the same boat!

choixduroi · 03/10/2023 13:18

I do wonder sometimes, like with those programs like World's Strictest Parents who send teens off to other countries where teens simply are not allowed to behave disrespectfully and literally have to do loads of chores etc. On the one hand in those countries maybe there is more threatening, physical beating, emotional pressure to behave and do what the parents want, and I wonder how the relationship is later on with the parents. The parents really do have the authority. On the other I think, have we become too permissive? I was pretty authoritarian when they were little with strict routines etc, but I've realised it doesn't work that well with teens - it's just so exhausting trying to set meaningful boundaries. I always think that if you behave politely, calmly and nicely, ultimately you will get the same back from your kids, but particularly with my DD I do wonder. My Mum used to be hysterical (as I perceived it then) and rant and nag at me, and honestly it still affects our relationship today and I always vowed I would be an understanding parent. For those who think they see all these perfect teens and happy families, I really don't think they are, I think everyone struggles to some extent. It cheered me up a bit on holiday in Greece after a huge blow out argument between my kids to see another family with the parents hissing furious reprimands at their kids. We are really not alone!

Crocamoc · 03/10/2023 16:06

@choixduroi I sometimes wonder whether parents of teens are generally becoming too permissive. It’s a tricky balance because I think lots of us are trying to do things differently to our parents and we’re all much more clued up on child/teens mental health now but if everything we are doing is to the detriment of our own mental health then is it right? I also think we’re the first generation of parents who are having to deal with mobile phones. Our kids are the first ones who have had access to the entire world in their pockets and that is essentially a massive social experiment, and none of us really know how to navigate that. Throw covid and lockdowns and all the missed opportunities for socialising and learning to build relationships into the mix and it’s no wonder we’re all struggling!

Eddyraisins · 03/10/2023 17:03

Crocamoc · 03/10/2023 16:06

@choixduroi I sometimes wonder whether parents of teens are generally becoming too permissive. It’s a tricky balance because I think lots of us are trying to do things differently to our parents and we’re all much more clued up on child/teens mental health now but if everything we are doing is to the detriment of our own mental health then is it right? I also think we’re the first generation of parents who are having to deal with mobile phones. Our kids are the first ones who have had access to the entire world in their pockets and that is essentially a massive social experiment, and none of us really know how to navigate that. Throw covid and lockdowns and all the missed opportunities for socialising and learning to build relationships into the mix and it’s no wonder we’re all struggling!

Totally agree. The social media perfection that is in their faces from a young age. The ease of access to everything.
Then theres the news with 24h doom and gloom. Wars and climate change etc etc

It's a difficult world to grow up in.

I miss the days you had to physically call for a friend or dial the landline and speak to their parents.

wishmyhousetidy · 03/10/2023 18:55

Crocamoc · 03/10/2023 16:06

@choixduroi I sometimes wonder whether parents of teens are generally becoming too permissive. It’s a tricky balance because I think lots of us are trying to do things differently to our parents and we’re all much more clued up on child/teens mental health now but if everything we are doing is to the detriment of our own mental health then is it right? I also think we’re the first generation of parents who are having to deal with mobile phones. Our kids are the first ones who have had access to the entire world in their pockets and that is essentially a massive social experiment, and none of us really know how to navigate that. Throw covid and lockdowns and all the missed opportunities for socialising and learning to build relationships into the mix and it’s no wonder we’re all struggling!

Think everything you are saying is true, Many teens may have consequences at home but in the world outside very few consequences. Our ADHD daughter has been able to leave our house at midnight with people we did not feel were safe and the police just said there was not much they could do she was 16. Basically she can do what she wants but if she does something wrong you as parents are responsible. Phones are making parenting impossibly hard, and life impossibly difficult for some children. I would have loved to be a parent before mobile phones existed. You can see why most schools in Silicon Valley ban phones.

Aarrggh · 03/10/2023 18:57

Well yesterday was a reasonably good day. He went to school, came back, decided he was going to eat in his bedroom and we didn’t see him for the rest of the night. That’s why it was a good day-he spent the evening in his room. I didn’t object to him eating in there because it means that we can all eat our dinner in peace and have a meal without an argument. How sad is that?

Today has been harder, he leaves the house with minutes to spare so nearly misses the bus, has come home and decided he doesn’t like the dinner, despite him liking the same meal 2 weeks ago. I’ve told that I need to go shopping later so he can eat tonight’s meal and he can choose for tomorrow. Tonight’s dinner is shit so he can’t eat it. I am just ignoring him and counting to about 10000 in my head. He can’t possibly decide tonight what he wants tomorrow so he’ll be moaning again tomorrow. I sometimes think that he thinks I’m running a restaurant! Anyway he will be out of luck tomorrow.

Parents evening tomorrow, he says he’s not coming with me, so that’s another battle.

With a bit of luck he’ll disappear to his bedroom for the evening.

Sorry rant over. It is quite nice to vent on here, thanks for reading. So nice to know I’m not alone. 💐🍫🍷 for all of you going through this.

Original poster

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 03/10/2023 19:25

My eldest son.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 03/10/2023 19:34

Found you!

CandyLeBonBon · 03/10/2023 19:35

My daughter's just gone back to a new school after me deregister IG her and home edding her since May.

And today is her 15th birthday. When do I get my life back lol?!

Bobsledgirl · 03/10/2023 19:38

DD came home from college n a foul mood. She’s eating toast now in her room. I tried to engage her in conversation but she kept taking umbrage at everything I said so I shut up.

I’m want to ask her why she’s so offended by everything I say but she’ll shut me down and say ‘I can’t be both to talk about this’

shes a day off tomorrow and says she is visiting a college friend in next town. That’s what she says.

Original poster

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 03/10/2023 20:08

Just replied on the ‘Teenagers are nice’ thread.

….not sure if it in part was partly directed at those of us who use this thread to try to navigate the teen years. Both in active threads.

at least I now know that ‘teenagers are nice’

oh, except erm, if they’re not nice all the time 😵‍💫

OP posts:

Eddyraisins · 03/10/2023 20:12

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 03/10/2023 20:08

Just replied on the ‘Teenagers are nice’ thread.

….not sure if it in part was partly directed at those of us who use this thread to try to navigate the teen years. Both in active threads.

at least I now know that ‘teenagers are nice’

oh, except erm, if they’re not nice all the time 😵‍💫

Edited

Such a naive thread. It's mainly down to sheer dam luck not their amazing parenting.

Original poster

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 03/10/2023 20:16

I totally agree. i thought the title was a bit goady - ‘teenagers are nice’.

implying if they’re not innately nice, get them sorted! As if it were that bloomin easy 😳

OP posts:

Crocamoc · 03/10/2023 20:34

My daughter is permanently on a FaceTime, just went into her room and all the other girls on the FaceTime started doing this really over exaggerated shushing and putting their fingers to their lips (assume my daughter has told them what a wicked witch I am) and then I had to try and have a conversation with her over the top of the 5 girls on the FaceTime while she completely ignored me. The thing is I could probably handle it but her 8 year old sister was in there just desperate for a bit of attention but 16dd could barely bring herself to acknowledge her sisters existence. I’m now down here writing out practice question and answers for an interview she has tomorrow while she’s upstairs slagging me off to her friends 🙃🙃🙃

incognito50me · 03/10/2023 20:49

@Crocamoc , this is one thing I can't abide. If I knock on the door because I have to talk to her (usually some favor to her!), then she has to get off the phone/facetime, or at the very least mute herself and turn the camera off. I understand how you feel.

choixduroi · 03/10/2023 21:07

Yes and the thing is, they CAN be nice but it is bit like Jekyll and Hyde..

Chrysanthemum5 · 03/10/2023 21:19

It drives me mad that people assume their teenagers are 'nice' because they are good parents. DD didn't ask to be autistic or to have autistic burnout but that's dominated the last 5 years of our life.

Plus I'm not sure teenagers are supposed to be nice. Finding their way and breaking away from family is part of their life progression

Timeforanewnam · 03/10/2023 21:34

Dd15 here (nearly 16)

she hasn’t had an easy time of it , but flip ing heck do we know about it .

annoyingly we have had four weeks of perfect school attendance, even a few merits for effort , and then this morning she couldn’t find the school jumper she wanted .

absolute hell broke out , screaming, shouting, hates us , she wants to shoot herself , hurt her brother - I was no longer her parent ect horrific 30 minutes, I had to leave for work, and school run - so her dad had to finish sorting it . Two hours to get her into school it took him .

best bit is she flounced home at 4 o’clock and asked if I would take her out for a macds for tea 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Flyhigher · 03/10/2023 22:25

I do wonder if it makes a difference which friends they pick. Mine got seduced by some loud mouthed alpha females. And I think they have messed her up. Also maybe I let her have the phone too much. Should have kept it more.

LarkspurLane · 04/10/2023 09:05

Bloody teenagers are nice thread!
I can't see how a thread of people saying "oh my teenager is lovely but I've been a good parent since day 1" is helpful to anyone.
This thread though, and the last one, is super helpful for people supporting challenging teenagers. People without those challenges can read some other threads.

Lindy2 · 04/10/2023 10:23

I have 1 "nice" teenager and 1 extremely challenging teenager.

They've both been parented the same way.

1 has ADHD and ASD. 1 doesn't.

That's the major factor in our house. Mostly it's just luck and genetics.

Honeylemonandginger · 04/10/2023 13:02

Joining. I have one! DD17.
Today she has made me feel😞