Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

EBSA

Most of the kids talked about on here are younger than my DD. She is late to the difficult teen stage. At 17.5 she’s almost an adult.

I heard her on the phone to a friend tonight. So animated and laughing away. Total opposite of the moody, defensive person who spends all evening in her room. Made me realise how poor our relationship is. If she’s not at work or sixth form She is out with friends or in her bedroom. She spends no time with us unless we are giving her a lift. She tells us nothing. I don’t know her friends. She doesn’t tell me what’s happening at college. I ask questions and get one word answers. I’d love for her to tell me something funny or chat away like she was with her friend.

She has no interest in her family. Largely ignores her younger brother or argues with him.

I just don’t know how to connect with her anymore. Even in the car she has little to say. It makes me so sad. I feel like I’ve lost her.

@Railwayroad , I feel many things you do too. I hope it is temporary! Many moms here with older children say their kids went through this phase when they were teens, now they are adults and have a good relationship with their parents.
Now, I myself was never a teen like this - always was close with my parents - and I had my difficult phase later (at over 18 but still living with my parents), so this is new for me too. I can only hope that we haven't lost our daughters for good.

Thanks @incognito50me it helps just knowing others struggle with this too.

I know she’s her own person. I know I don’t need to know the detail of her life but to have almost no connection is horrible

I suppose we are all comparing our teens to how we were.
For me, it's 'normal' for unpleasant rebellious behaviour in early teenage years, but by 17 or 18, you are a young adult and understandably want your independence from your family.
The more you try to force a relationship with them, the more likely they will dislike you.
As for wanting them to do better at school work, that can be very frustrating.

@Railwayroad it's so hard isn't it. But maybe since your daughter is older, her teenage stage won't last as long?

I've heard so many parents here say their DCs disconnected from them and it was really painful, but they did come back eventually. Clinging to this hope myself.....

It’s really hard having tricky teen times as I really feel there are few people I can tell in real life. Feel that either people will judge me or judge DD. Feel out of my depth & alone.

anyway DD is in Y11, had a bad time at school with friendships which she’s now followed up with a bad relationship with an older boy, had some police contact over that, now self harming & having panic attacks in school. There doesn’t seem to be any help available but fortunately we can pay for private counselling.

My ds did this at 16.

Found out he had walked about 20 miles and then caught the train home in the evening - he should have been at school!

Since emerges that he has quite severe mental health issues & after a few years of hell, diagnosis and therapy he is now 18 and recently started anti depressants.

If any of you suspect it's more than just irritating teen behaviour please, please seek early support.

How are you all? X

Thank you for asking, @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom . We went on a 3 day city break, it was quite nice. DD and I talked some. At the end, school was brought up again, by me, probably a mistake. The motivation to do better needs to come from her, but it's so frustrating to know it would need only a bit more effort to do much better and have less stress.

Also, she's so materialistic; I know it's not rare among teens these days, but urgggghhhh. There is not much for me to do but to try to keep our relationship and hope many of these issues resolve somewhat, as coming down hard is not the right approach at this moment. Gentle and steady support is not the most comfortable tool for me at the moment, however.

How are you doing?

@incognito50me that all sounds wonderful. A break some chat and you are being gentle with her amazing. Well done you. If they are materialistic maybe they might work hard to get those things. We can't really blame them as SM reinforces materialism.

We have a city break soon. I’m hoping it will be a chance to connect. Life is so busy here, work, school etc. then DD is holed up in her room. I barely see her.

I would like to share a WhatsApp I got from my 20 year old this week. She was very hard work but was diagnosed with ADHD aged 18. Her behaviour has been hard from small child but really escalated as a teenage. She is now medicated and feeling much better in herself and sent me following.

[08/10, 00:27] Sophia✨: Thanks for raising me to be a kind and caring person
[08/10, 00:27] Sophia✨: Sorry for being so horrible to you as a teenager u really didn’t deserve it
[08/10, 00:27] Sophia✨: I was a horrible abusive person to u and I apologise 😞😞😞😞
[08/10, 00:28] Sophia✨: I think I must have had crazy hormones in me or something

It is incredibly hard work raising teens these days but just keep loving them and being there and they will come through. It is often not until they leave home that they really appreciate what they have. I also found that honesty with other parents when they ask how you are, is really great as you quickly discover that the perfect world you think every one else lives in does not exist and most families have struggled at some time.

Aww that’s amazing

I’ve just dropped my DD off at sixth form. Because I’m nice like that! She on the other hand, talks to me with contempt. The sarcasm is astounding. She has no interest in me or anything I have to say. It’s very very upsetting and I don’t know how to behave around her.

Shall I start serving the drinks ladies?

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom make mine a treble! DD is 12,in Dec but her responses to any of my questions are brutal 🤯

Is it too early for one?

Not at all, it’s the weekend ❤️😉

Bad day today. Sometimes it just gets to me. I feel for the loss of what I thought would be. Blaming myself and comparing to other teens.

Dd puts no effort into anything. School work nothing. Laughs with her mates on the phone one minute. Grumpy answers and unable to look at me minutes after.

It's just depressing what she has become and its awful.

I understand what you’re saying completely.

its crap. And deflating. And hard to see an end to it.

Really is.

If it helps. We can run away together 😂

I’ll be nice to you 😃

Please!

Oh I’m glad I’ve found this thread.

two teen DDs here. Half term, both DH and myself working all week and I fear the teens will just lie in bed scrolling. Such a waste :(

Moody, rude, selective hearing. It’s bloody hard work with very little reward.