Page 3 | Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 2023-10-01T18:46:32+00:00

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳 no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Crocamoc · 04/10/2023 14:55

Has anyone had any luck enforcing rules around phone use? I always used to say phones downstairs at bedtime, no phones at the dinner table. After my daughters GCSE’s I agreed she could have her phone in the bedroom if she was sensible with it. But of course she stays up until 2am messaging on Snapchat so I’ve now said phone has to go downstairs at 11pm. But what’s now happening is that she’s engaging with us even less and is on her phone permanently because she says she has to use every single second of phone time she has before I take it away at 11pm. I just don’t know how to navigate this. She doesn’t seem able to self regulate her use, she really struggles with lack of sleep but also I don’t want to do the classic thing of making something seem more appealing by taking it away! It’s causing daily arguments. Her friends all seem to be on their phones until all hours. I feel really stuck with this one and don’t know what to do.

incognito50me · 04/10/2023 15:11

Yes, @Crocamoc , she has limits on phone/computer use and those are automatic (downtime). She gets more time on the weekend, less on a weekday. Now it's school holidays here, so every day is treated like the weekend.
She doesn't self regulate. Her friends and boyfriend don't have phone use limits, but for now, she has them. No, she does not spend more time with us - when we are at home, there is no way to achieve that - but she just gets slightly more sleep.

Crocamoc · 04/10/2023 16:08

@incognito50me Thank you, this makes me feel less alone! The problem I have is that her dad pays for her phone (we’re divorced) so it’s on his family plan meaning I have no way of putting apps or downtime on the phone so I have to physically remove it from her room every night and I’m sure you can imagine how that goes down… I think you’re right and I need to focus on the extra sleep and accept she just doesn’t want anything to do with us!!

Eddyraisins · 04/10/2023 16:16

Crocamoc · 04/10/2023 14:55

Has anyone had any luck enforcing rules around phone use? I always used to say phones downstairs at bedtime, no phones at the dinner table. After my daughters GCSE’s I agreed she could have her phone in the bedroom if she was sensible with it. But of course she stays up until 2am messaging on Snapchat so I’ve now said phone has to go downstairs at 11pm. But what’s now happening is that she’s engaging with us even less and is on her phone permanently because she says she has to use every single second of phone time she has before I take it away at 11pm. I just don’t know how to navigate this. She doesn’t seem able to self regulate her use, she really struggles with lack of sleep but also I don’t want to do the classic thing of making something seem more appealing by taking it away! It’s causing daily arguments. Her friends all seem to be on their phones until all hours. I feel really stuck with this one and don’t know what to do.

I guess it depends. For me my daughter would be worse without it and right now in y11 this isn't my hill to die on.
She has so many other issues. The phone can be her lifeline.

Desperateinseattle · 04/10/2023 16:24

Can I join? DD just turned 12 but I’m shitting it tbh. she’s being vile to her brother and dad- has been for a few years, can let it tip over with me but I do so much for her she managed to keep herself contained with me for the most part.

I feel teen years are simmering and I’m scared.

Crocamoc · 04/10/2023 21:02

@Eddyraisins Yes I totally understand that! It’s so important to pick your battles. For me it’s important because the lack of sleep affects pretty much every other part of our lives because it has such a huge impact on her mood etc but also fully understand what a lifeline the mobiles can be. It’s such a tricky tightrope trying to work out where best to put your focus and energies.

Flyhigher · 04/10/2023 22:29

@Desperateinseattle why is she so nasty to them? Are they difficult with her or do they challenge her?

sparkiesparkle · 05/10/2023 18:06

My 16 year old son was going to run away today, he changed his mind and cam back. Not for any other reason than he felt too cold. He finished his school day, dumped his bag, dumped his blazer, and just walked away.
i don’t know know what is going on his head. I’m scared he might just take off next time. I’m petrified

Thethingswedoforlove · 05/10/2023 19:47

@sparkiesparkle i am so sorry to hear that. It sounds really tough. Is there any chance he would open up to anyone in the house about what his thought processes were?

Desperateinseattle · 05/10/2023 20:45

Flyhigher · 04/10/2023 22:29

@Desperateinseattle why is she so nasty to them? Are they difficult with her or do they challenge her?

Younger brother high energy/high needs and she finds him intolerable /has fuck all patience with him. He wants her attention so will just aggravate her to get it even thought it’s negative (and then complain she hates him etc!)

Dh and her just clash at times, but also Dh super hands on dad and wants to be her friend and she’s in the whole don’t look at me/don’t touch me/ you aren’t cool stage

Desperateinseattle · 05/10/2023 20:45

sparkiesparkle · 05/10/2023 18:06

My 16 year old son was going to run away today, he changed his mind and cam back. Not for any other reason than he felt too cold. He finished his school day, dumped his bag, dumped his blazer, and just walked away.
i don’t know know what is going on his head. I’m scared he might just take off next time. I’m petrified

💐 gosh this is stressful.

sparkiesparkle · 06/10/2023 09:18

I’m the only adult here, so none really. I’m trying to contact a teacher he trusts at school, but not getting through. He has left for school today, but left his watch and calculator. (Alevel maths, so needs it. I traced his phone, at school. But he could just dump ot there and leave. I’m not at work today luckily because I can’t concentrate. I’m just going to walk my dogs.

Original poster

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 06/10/2023 13:04

Hugs to all

my daughters been on a tech Ban for raising merry hell so much. Feeling the burn.

OP posts:

ChampagneCommunist · 08/10/2023 22:07

Joining. DD is 15 and vile to me unless she wants something.

Argues with everything I say. Doesn't participate in family life.

I work long hours, but even if I am here, she doesn't want to spend time with me

SheRa · 08/10/2023 22:39

Joining. Suggested to my teenage son that he might like a change of scenery at his Dads as the atmosphere at home is so awful. Scared I've lost him forever...

RachelGreensHair · 08/10/2023 22:49

So glad I found this thread. DD has turned into a different person since she turned 15. She's requested some talking therapy so I have an initial phone appointment tomorrow and then hoping to take her in person every week. Really hoping that helps cos right now even she can't articulate why her mood and emotions are all over the place and so heightened. And she's taking it out of me. Am a single parent and am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and just so sad :/ I don't know what I can do right for her anymore.

Bobsledgirl · 09/10/2023 07:31

I hear what you say about her turning into a different person. That’s exactly how it feels.

burntoutnurse · 09/10/2023 07:48

Joining in!

Almost 13 year old ds

16 yo ds (adhd and sensory processing disorder)

Pulling my hair out daily

Eddyraisins · 09/10/2023 19:00

How do you make a teen care about exams and revision?

She just isn't bothered. Totally the opposite of me. It's draining.

She will have to fail at this rate and deal with the consequences.

Toomanyanimalz · 09/10/2023 19:29

Aarrggh · 01/10/2023 21:30

Just found this thread and would like to join please!

DS15 is vile, disrespectful and I am at a loss as to what to do and say. I find I just ignore him now. Everything is my fault.

Doesn’t do anything at home, is vile to his sister. Only says something normal when he wants something, has come to ask me to order something and because I said no I would order it tomorrow has called me names ( won’t be ordering it tomorrow). I definitely walk on eggshells as I want to avoid confrontation because then it’s even worse.

No one I can tell in real life because I feel such a failure. Is it bad that I’m counting the years until he moves out? I miss the little boy with the cheeky smile, who wanted snuggles on the sofa.

I could literally have written your post.

DS 14 is just so vile to me, it actually takes my breath away… tells me daily how much he hates me and what a useless parent I am. Unless he wants something of course 🙄.

Like you I am counting the days until he leaves home and that in itself breaks my heart.

Toomanyanimalz · 09/10/2023 19:33

He’s currently furious at me because I have taken his phone away as he got two detentions (for using it in class and then refusing to hand it over when asked). He has absolutely no respect for anyone and refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions

Flyhigher · 09/10/2023 20:20

@Eddyraisins what year is she in? Has she had mocks? Most kids get a shock with mocks.

Eddyraisins · 09/10/2023 20:38

Flyhigher · 09/10/2023 20:20

@Eddyraisins what year is she in? Has she had mocks? Most kids get a shock with mocks.

Year 11. I can hope. Mocks are in 5 weeks. I still don't think she will care.

Flyhigher · 09/10/2023 20:57

@Eddyraisins did she have year 10 exams? Mine had mocks in year 10. And they all bucked up after that. X

Eddyraisins · 09/10/2023 20:59

Flyhigher · 09/10/2023 20:57

@Eddyraisins did she have year 10 exams? Mine had mocks in year 10. And they all bucked up after that. X

No she didn't do them. She is ESBA just got her back in after lots of help from
the school and me but nothing is ever good enough for her.

Currently doing half days but not doing any work sitting in a room.
It's draining.