Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

What Next? UNIVERSITY OPEN DAYS

I just got sent this - might be a quick way of checking for open days.

I spent ages ranking ones that did DD1 course and then checking their webpages for their open days.

I did!
Sorry.
Obviously too early for me 🙃

I can so relate to carrying the mental load for everyone, plus the emotional load. 😂. Two teenagers, an elderly parent with physical and MH problems - DH is great, but seems totally oblivious to how much stress I’m under. I’m just expected to carry on as normal, work, deal with our side business, etc while people have meltdowns, need counseling, tell me all the problems and expect me to solve them ASAP!

I had a couple of glasses of wine last night while cooking dinner and had a bit of a meltdown myself (alcohol is a depressive after all). Lay on the sofa for a nap as I’m not a drinker so it made me sleepy and got grumpy when people were making too much noise. Generally behaved like a grump all evening and haven’t really spoken to DH since.

I’ll apologize later, but it just gets too much sometimes. I’d so love a day on my own in the house to potter around and get stuff done without anyone demanding my attention/support. Even the dog. 🤣

My dh is trying to help as much as he can: He cooks most of the time, will hoover etc if I ask (would never just do it though 🙂)
I'm trying to ask him to do more of the life admin and the stuff like holiday prep (with mixed results..)
I'm just...so, so tired

Oh thank you for the replies! I’ll look up Martin Lewis tonight.
a day on our own! A day in a spa! A day where someone else thinks bout the tea, shopping, washing up.
sympathies at being so so tired, Chiswick. It’s not since I read mn I realised I’d dint have to do everything and a job. I thought I did or I’d be unworthy. I earnt 3 x what Dh did, no one suggested he give up work. Humph.

My DH is a good egg and will definitely help, but he has to be told! Plus, he's never had to deal with other people's emotional issues, so he has no idea how draining it is.

I'm a single parent of 3 13,17 and 20 / eldest autistic and still needs lots of support. I feel like I'll never be free!

Just had a look at student funding in Wales - incredibly generous compared with the rest of the UK! If you're on a low or even lowish family income, moving from Wales to England would be a big blow for any undergraduates in the household.

I wasn't aware till I had a quick look - but I did wonder how easier it would be to deal with two bodies dealing with grants/loans and would they qualify with English body if we did move - will have to read the fine print.

Thing is though DH is desperate to change jobs and we've only agreeded to stay here till yongest finished A-levels - so with no delays DD1 should be through undergraduate degree - and DS possibly mid way through course.

Plus I am trying to resurrect my career pretty much killed by childcare and moving around UK for his work. It's actually not completely impossible that he could earn enough to make the funding loss negligible - or that poltican change what's on offer I know Plaid Cymru talks of limiting fundig to welsh students at welsh universities - so it's not al all clear what is best for everyone.

Plus I am trying to resurrect my career pretty much killed by childcare and moving around UK for his work.
exactly!

Hello it's op here with a name change. Decided to leave Mumsnet and reinscribe because of latest security breach.

Just popped in to say hello while catching up with thread.

Hope everyone is ok and exam season progressing reasonably well for our teens! Back in a bit ... .

Hello op here again! Having a middle aged moment logging back in and forgetting password etc. Waves to all and hope everyone surviving exam season. Trying again ...

Hello op here again having finally sorted Internet/Mumsnet access issues.

I wonder if the title of this thread should be trying to pursue our own priorities after two decades of parenting but not really managing it. 😏

Most of my personal projects are on hold atm, or at least interrupted, while one of my two sits exams. She is stressed out beyond belief and frequently in tears. The other is ringing every night needing to talk, usually as I am just about to fall asleep!

Oh well, it was nice while it lasted ...

Hi Blustery, no exams in my house atm, so my main self-sacrifice on the altar of parenting is agreeing to watch Love Island with teen dd.

At least it makes a chance from Married at First Sight Australia.

Obviously left to myself I'd be watching a rarefied documentary on BBC4. (May not be true).

I consider that a considerable sacrifice Bibliomania

I think I sounded a bit harsh before. Obviously, I am upset that DD is so stressed about exams and I am happy to be able to support her, but boy it is frustrating when they don't listen or take sensible advice. My DD very much "knows best" ATM so all I can do is listen and try and sympathize and not say things like "if you study all night for three nights in a row and don't get any fresh air and only drink coffee and eat frozen pizza then it's understandable you don't feel your best".

DD1 has thankfully finished her AS-level exams - as she does like to throw her stress around everyone else. We're onto uni open days with her now.

DS a trial at the minute - he's got 4 left but only seems to do anything with someone sat next to him so that's my evening and weekends at the minute - sitting there keeping him focused and trying to get though topics I thought he'd covered over Easter and half term.

On plus side DH says he may learn for next year when he sits all the subjects - and he will at least work - I worry about how much DD1 actually did. It does look like next year with DD1 doing A-levels and DS sitting way more exams will be extremely stressful for all of us.

It's also lots of metal thought around food - what's quick for tea and can double up as packed lunches as they often still rely on me for those - and by end of evening with DS I'm done in.

I have however finally found a hair dye I don't react to - all "natural" ingredients so variable cover - it was a surprising boost for me it's more taken me back a few years colour wise than dramatic - but still made me feel better as felt I was looking old and tired. I still have to tackle my weight and many other things but still nice uplift for me.

Good luck to your dc MercurialMonday I hope the exams go well for them. They are lucky to have you there alongside them!

It does make you wonder sometimes why such often life defining , important anyway, exams are set when DC are at such am emotionally labile age. But there again an academic told me once that this is the stage at which mentally they can assimilate the most amount of info. Does that sound right? I'm pretty sure I have remembered that correctly but would love to ask someone involved in education.

The food thing is surprisingly time-consuming isn't it? I never thought having teens would involve so much cooking! And mine do cook and fend for themselves when not knee deep in study. I think lockdown exacerbated it, but food shopping, meal planning, and cooking in our household seems never ending sometimes!

I hear you about the hair dye btw! Those small things are surprisingly important. I decided to go grey (mainly for environmental reasons) but it didn't suit me at all so I have found a pkt dye that I can tolerate. Also need to tackle my weight but that requires emotional energy I don't have ATM!

Good luck to your dc MercurialMonday I hope the exams go well for them.

Thank you - though I'm not sure my teens would agree.

I do think DS is glad we did so much over the weekend now - though at the time I think he hated me and probably will next weekend as well.

Sorry I'm sorry going through a bad patch of teen/young adult stress here and have neglected to welcome newcomers to the thread such as Moomoola and CandyLeBonBon and anyone else I have missed. How are you all doing?

All good here, DD had her A Level art exhibition today, so we finally met her teachers in person after two years of virtual parents evenings. Then we went out for dinner together and did a bit of shopping (which I didn't have to subsidise).
Meantime DS passed his driving theory test and went to the station (his train was cancelled for this afternoon) and got an earlier train. He made none of this my problem.
I like it when they get stuff done without making it my problem.

That sounds like a very positive day InMySpareTime it's good to be reminded that they do come around from time to time

On the topic of making time for ourselves, I'm sick of sitting in the office while the sun is shining, so I'm playing hooky tomorrow. I'm taking a day of leave and I refuse to do anything domesticated - I'm off to the coast for a couple of hours, all by myself.

I got a surprise very heartfelt thank you from DS last night - worried he may not have said it before.

I'm not sure if it because he felt he did well in yesterdays exam or helping him plough through quickly a huge amount of notes for subject next week - useful but very late to such a huge volume and DS was feeling very overwhelmed.

An hour later he was flagging and snappy. It didn't help one of the non examined subject teachers had set homework for Friday .

This weekend DH doing the open day with DD1 and it will be a fully weekend of helping DS with last few exams for me.

I envy you your coastal trip bibliomania - though last week DH and I did mange a meal out just the two at end of brief shopping trip which was nice and unexpected and we couldn't remember last time we'd done that so can't complain too much.

Cherish the heartfelt thank you, Mercurial, even if it didn't last!

Then we went out for dinner together and did a bit of shopping (which I didn't have to subsidise).

@InMySpareTime isn’t it amazing when they start earning?! DD (17) recently started her first job in a local restaurant and received her first pay cheque this week. She did sone shopping today ( exams are finished here in the US) and my wallet was totally uninvolved. 🤣. She even bought her brother a T-Shirt!