Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

Same, @Potplant I adore babies and small children, the perimenopause is definitely making me broody. But I know the reality is very different to cuddling someone else’s baby for a couple of minutes. 😂.

I enjoy spending time with my teenagers, having those in-depth conversations, etc. DS (13) has the odd I-dislike -you-Mum-you’re old-and don’t-understand-anything moment, but DD (17) is past that, she’s great to be with. ❤️

My kids were utterly adorable when young 😍

...But I see parents and mothers with babies and pre schoolers now and think "thank god thats not me!" 🤣🤣

Cute but not for me!

So were mine, @ChiswickFlo , but I ain’t doing it again at nearly 50!

@ChiswickFlo I'm the same. Little kids seem cute and I do get that odd pang, but there's no way I could go back there. My eldest DS turns 15 tomorrow.

Feel like I'm needing to shelve new interests etc (apart from book cub) cause have so many overheads coming up and I'm aware of my Dad needing more support before too long. He appears to be more confused and I'm a bit worried about dementia tbh.

Ds1 is meeting university friends tonight for drinks before they all go home for summer. God knows what time he'll roll in 🙄🤣

Ds2 is looking forward to half term next week.

Mum really isn't well. She's under 7 stone now:(

Yes, elderly parents are a real worry. My remaining parent isn’t well either.
we’re in that squeezed-in-the-middle life phase.

Yes
It's not much fun :(

@ChiswickFlo and other posters with elderly parents, have a look at the elderly parent section on here under other stuff. Plenty of support for your situation.

Thanks @ssd I'm already on there 🙂👍

Thats good

With the elderly parents and teens emotional needs etc it sometimes seems harder than ever to carve out time for yourself.

But I guess it is needed to deal with the above...I find myself jumpting from worrying about one set to the other, muddling along. It can seem selfish at times just to do stuff for 'me' even though had started more of this over the years. Going to the gym etc.

But I'm thinking at times, stepping back a bit can help others become less dependant on you and figure things out for themselves.

I totally understand the time pressures and I am not looking after elderly parents either , but yes, absolutely Orangesandlemons. I got really, really low handling all the stressful things for everyone else. Everything was really out of balance. It got to the point where I was not able to be of much help to them or myself tbh. In retrospect, I followed the teens far too far down the rabbit holes of their angst and I temporarily became miserable and anxious too and (I apologize for this phrase because I really loathe it!) I had really "lost myself" facilitating everything for others.

Plus, if you are over-involved with sorting out the minutiae as I was, you only get resentment if or when, whatever it is you are sorting out, goes wrong, and the DC learn nothing in the process. It can become a very negative cycle.

Far better not to let it get to that point. The teens and young adults are at an age where they need to find their own solutions with a bit of support from the sidelines. So they, and we, benefit from us stepping back a bit. The more I think about it, the more I am reluctant to frame it as "being selfish". After two decades of parenting when I have been I think pretty conscientious, it's much more about them taking ever increasing amounts of responsibility for themselves.

I know this is all a lot easier said (or written down! 🙂) than done though. The emotional demands are not easily ignored.

Yes totally agree @Calafsidentity

And it all depends on what mood I'm in too

ChiswickFlo I am so sorry about your mother's deteriorating health and sending strength to all posters on here whose parents are in poor health or are becoming increasingly dependent.

eeyoreismyfavourite it is often said on POTs threads how comforting a dog friend can be in turbulent times

ssd it's interesting how those incidents, like the little boy at the swimming pool, takes you straight back to those years. I used to absolutely love being a parent of infants and primary school age children and I felt I was naturally good at it, until adolescence hit, and then I really floundered.

Like Potplant I have no wish to go back there though. I don't have the energy for one thing. And I suspect I look back on those years through rose coloured spectacles to an extent!

I hope my maternal feelings return if/when I have grandchildren or god forbid I might appear on the pages of Mumsnet characterised as one of those unfeeling grandmothers who "don't want to be involved". Mind you, I sometimes wonder if those particular grandparents haven't had enough of a break between their DC being troubled adolescents and then becoming parents for the first time!

Thank you @Calafsidentity
I can't imagine being a gp...I'm still to mired in dc/elderly parent care I think...
My beloved late dad told me that my dc were "addictive" 🙂💙 he adored them.
I miss him so much.

Totally agree with MercurialMonday and Wazzzzzuuuuuuup about the insidiousness of on-line influences. And I think there is quite a destructive narrative out there that encourages dissatisfaction with life; somehow nothing is ever good enough whether it's your body, your house, your lifestyle ...very few reliable sources are putting an alternative credible case ... it's easy for a teen without much self esteem to fall for it. Sending lots of strength to Wazzzzzuuuuuuup and Steppemum

Good luck with figuring out your next steps SFisnotsimple

That sounds very tough about having to shelve your new interests Octopus37 even if it's just an hour or so a week, could you not ring fence some time for yourself?

Same with your degree ChiswickFlo sorry it's looking more difficult. I hope you can find a way forward.

I'm looking forward to having non-spikey in-depth discussions with one of my teens Cameleongirl and Potplant but we are still at the point where we rub one another up the wrong way, even though I try and keep the conversations calm. I am hoping university will teach her a more dispassionate approach! I am impressed by many of her arguments though, she is intellectually brighter than me, it's just some of the delivery I don't care for ATM!

I hope you enjoyed and profited from your dc free time ssd

Seeline I hear you about the effects of the pandemic still continuing ...my DH is only working a day or two back in the office ...he will mainly be working from home ad infinitum now I think ...and I'm finding it hard to adjust. And my DC definitely have some making up to do in terms of independence and maturity.

MercurialMonday don't talk to me about teenage girls and wet towels! How can one or two people get through so many! There are honestly some days when all I seem to do is wash and dry blasted towels!

ChiswickFlo your late dad sounds like such a lovely person you must miss him terribly.

He was 🙂
And I do. Everyday 💙

I've had a nice few days off work (back tomorrow 😬) including shopping and dinner out with DD2, who has been delightful this evening. She's not looking forward to the boy coming back, we have agreed to pick him up over the jubilee weekend. She does get spoilt when he's not here and very much the best of everything. I guess the virtue of being the youngest? I don't have any further clarity on ds' plans but will be glad to have him home where I can hopefully support him to push out of his comfort zone. Although I honestly feel exhausted at the thought. I'm going to be starting a new job in the coming months and will need a lot of resilience and mental energy for that.

I have also pleased myself a fair bit this week. I've been to the gym, out for lunch with DH and for a massage and facial. I've also started my lovely new planner which has got various sections for goal setting and quarterly reviews.

As I get older and I am maybe more aware of my own mortality I desperately want to plan the time I have left, around 2000 weeks if I make it to 80. I was speaking to my sister this week and she has kids at a similar life stage and has loads of plans for what she will do over the next ten years. It feels more important to plan good times in, especially as we know there will be some difficult times in amongst those. We are different personalities though, and I can't help but have a prickle of concern that her plans for freedom are going to mean I am the default carer for our mum, who is fine at the moment but is only going to get older and more needy.

I think the term for us is the sandwich generation, looking after our parents at the same time as raising our older teens/young adults.

Dc was 6 and 8 and mum was 80 and i didn't have any help with either of them. I pulled my hair out.

Thanks Calafsidentitythank you for the reply. I agree it's not 'selfish' to have time to yourself, no point in feeling guilty over it. On the subject of stepping back, I find a couple of things helpful.

When being asked to do things for others / what they should do (often with elderly parents) putting it back to them to think about. Also, having set times to help with things / see them. Then it makes it easier to switch off at other times.
It's not so easy with the teens whose needs can seem ever-present, but have managed to stop worrying about them quite as much...

May I ask if any of you are dealing with teens and non binary issues?

@ChiswickFlo DD's partner is NB, I can't really get to grips with using the singular they, so I just overuse the actual name all the time.

Those are really good tips Orangesandlemons 77 have noted!

Sounds like you made excellent use of your time off Wazzzzzuuuuuuup. I'm glad it was rejuvenating! Particularly in light of your new job (not that I have had that many but I find they always take six months and lots of energy to settle in to properly) and not least the return of your DS. Could you take your DS out for a meal after the Jubilee weekend and set some parameters for his stay, such as, enjoy a few weeks holiday in the summer but plans need to be made starting 1st September? Obviously, you know what's best, and I don't mean to intrude, I only mention it BC my sister is in a similar situation and, without going in to details, didn't lay down many boundaries at the beginning and is regretting it now.

I am really impressed that you are confronting your future and looking at future plans right down to remaining weeks! (I think am too much of a coward to do that!) I agree it's very important to have things to look forward to though! I don't really believe in retirement. I am inspired by my older siblings who are all busier than ever! Can you make it clear to your sister, or drop it in to your conversation with her early on, that you expect to share responsibility for looking after your mum. It's a totally fair statement to make. And better to make it earlier than later. So often we hang back out of politeness and people take our silence to mean agreement or consent.

We seem to have somehow swerved binary issues here ChiswickFlo. I don't know whether that's because the schools attended by my dds were until recently, all girls schools, so the classes were made up of majority female pupils. Not sure. I imagine it's a very stressful thing to deal with though.

Similar here ssd sadly all grandparents deceased in a four year period when the dcs' were between eight and twelve years old. And they were elderly and infirm when the DC were very young. It was tough at the time, especially at a practical level, but I was lucky to have had a lot of help from siiblings. I imagine looking after elderly parents is very draining from an emotional perspective if you are already providing teens with a lot of emotional support.