Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

I am so interested in this topic .My two DS's 21 /23 have just moved out this year but are due back for the summer and I'm dreading it .After two years of covid and all four of us being at home I really enjoyed their absence.I am 57 years old and feel like I haven't done really anything for myself since about 1996! Having the house to ourselves and a tidy kitchen was just bliss for myself and DH .I struggle to really 'care ' for anyone atm which is causing problems dealing with my elderly parents who live in another country to me and make me feel so guilty.I was a nurse and loved the caring aspect of it so find it really difficult dealing with the fact that the caring person that i was has gone that all I want is to be left alone to potter in my garden and my now tidy clean and organised house.

Welcome to Wazzzzzuuuuuuup , Potplant and other newcomers!

Wazzzzzuuuuuuup that sounds really difficult with your DS dropping out of uni. Would it be possible for him to change courses or is it the student life he hasn't taken to, rather then the course? I think it's quite difficult adjusting to being back among people after two years on line (for teens I mean). I think an average nineteen year old in 2022 is perhaps slightly less mature than one who hasn't had to live through a pandemic, having had their "growth" and independence curtailed, just at the time when they should have been branching out.

It's the same with my dd who is approaching the end of her first year at uni and she hasn't met many new friends either, so I can really sympathise with your DS and with you, because the worry is awful. Dd says everyone seems to have arrived with ready made friendship groups. Happily she does love the course.

I hope your DS finds his path anyway, either doing another course, at another uni, or doing something else altogether. I can feel your frustration and really sympathise but he is still quite young. Stay strong. He'll get there.

Just hopping back to say hello.

A levels start NEXT WEEK! So I’m panicking about not enough revision/too much revision.

DS1 has done loads and loads of work, DS2 not quite so much. Both seemed pretty chilled out, unlike me.

On the ‘this is what we have kids for’ front, DS is playing taxi for me on Saturday night when I’m out with the girls. Finally seeing some value out of all those driving lessons. Mind you, I also offered to pay for Nando’s for him and his gf so not sure I’m in profit yet.

Welcome Schnubbins could you possibly move out for a bit when everyone comes home for the summer? Go and see your elderly parents abroad but tag on a week or so travelling on your own or with a friend in a lovely it b&b somewhere? Wishing you peace and calm this summer anyway !

I like your style InMySpareTime

Bravo to your DD Paisley pattern she sounds like she has a very good head on her shoulders. Congratulations on her new jobs!

Orangesandlemons77 yes, exactly, I think this period of life is so turbulent that it's really important to talk to friends about raising teens if you can, as you can be brought so low with it all and feel quite isolated, especially if you are surrounded by families where the teens are all off happily doing scholarships, competitive sports and travel adventures.

But in reality, those discussions about the really difficult times don't happen as much as when the DC were toddlers. I think we are all sensitive about protecting our teens confidentiality and I suppose there is an assumption that we should have a handle on this parenting lark by now! How far from the truth that is when our teens and young adults constantly present us with totally new and often quite bewildering challenges!

Good to see you Potplant!

Wishing you and everyone else on here fortitude and calm during exam season!
🍀🍀🍀

Wanted to add to my post to Steppemum ...

I was having a conversation with my sister the other day and we both agreed that the one thing we struggle with most as POTs & YAs is imparting advice and guidance without causing offence, appearing to criticise or triggering sensitivities. You would think that objectively, it's not really a difficult thing to do. But it really is! Or maybe we both have particularly reactive DC! Anyway, it's something I am really struggling with currently too so sending you all the best x

Ah, yes.
Ds2 is 14 this year and really not into listening to parental advice 🤣

Fourteen is definitely a tricky age ChiswickFlo

Mine do listen but take any advice, which was said with good intentions and meant to help, as a personal attack 😕

I have to admit I'm finding 16 nearly 17 a difficult age to navigate.

Not only trying to give advice in such a way it's palatable and taken on board but services/people external to the family are one minute being all their an adult next their a child.

An example is the orthodontist – at not yet 16 she was considered old enough to sign for work even with me in the room. Next visist - checking DD1 was okay with it and checking with the reception desk it was fine with just her.
So she goes from college and meets a stroppy receptionist who thought she needed a parent there – it was all sorted in end but it does often feel like a very "grey area".

I’m trying to see it as a slow transference of responsibility to her shoulders from mine- with us acting as a safety net when needed.

She's utterly dependent on us and likely to be so for a while - even if she finds a job this summer -at same time she needs to be able to make choices about who she is and what she wants to do - and us in background trying to keep as many options open to her as possible and make sure she has all the information she needs but not take over.

It is hard though as my parent were you’re a child even at 18 and beyond – and university was a shock to the system were as DH often felt slightly unsupported even by mid teens - very much left to naviate many things by himself. Trying to find that middle ground and be guided by the teens in question is bloody hard.

Other parents we do know have differnet view outlooks and boundries which isn't always helpful or clarifiying about our situation but is understandable as they have very different teens.

my issue with advice is that as a parent who loves them, who has their best interest at heart and who knows them well, and who have lived significantly beyond teenage years, my advice carries the same weight as some bloody internet commentator.

Trying to convince her last night that some of the things she has read are not the whole truth, was met with incredulity. This is a bright intelligent 17 year old.
And yes, as pp said, sometimes I am supposed to give permission for her to do anything, and at other times she is allowed to make life changing decisions on her own, after a bloody 20 minute zoom consultation.

I just feel like there is no point really. I might as well give up and go and dig my garden. I am redundant. If I can't even stop her from doing this, then I have obviously no relevance in her life.

Dc is away on holiday and I'm finding the mental headspace amazing. Hes a great boy but his girlfriend is here a lot and this house is small. Older dc lives in a flat share not too far away. Im the cook, shopper etc etc and not having to think of anything sitting here in a quiet empty house is the mothers equivalent to 2 weeks abroad.

We had a stressful time last week, not only was it the A level mocks but also just before that we got a call from school. Had to go in for a meeeting with the head and head of sixth form....and the IT person..

DS (17) in Cpmuter Club, has managed to install some kind of malware on the school computer system...I don't know much about it but it seems it can collect passwords and 'sensitive information'. argh. DS said this was 'because it was interesting'

He's now banned from taking his computer in to school and was nearly expelled :-( it's his last chance if he does anything like that again he'll be looking for another school.

It's amazing how stressful it can be I find, the anxiety of not knowing what is going to happen next.

And the decisions they make which can seem mind-boggling and silly at times. Thankfully he didn't get expelled and went on to sit his mocks and that is now over as well so things are a bit better this week.

Managed to get swimming today which was nice - it helps me relax a little.

Oh, enjoy! That sounds lovely...

Trying to convince her last night that some of the things she has read are not the whole truth, was met with incredulity.

I've met the you know nothing thing - but not for anything really serious yet- and I tended to counter with sources that counter the veiw point.

However now that's not working as older they get more I can't make the read a book or listened to a audio book or watch a TV program.

I can ask a pointed question with DD1 - but a lot of dangerous worrying things seem very insidious - a you tube about one thing suddenly it's off about an ideology or presenting a controversal subject as fact - YA fiction which I often read ( it's not only thing I read) but it's similar there's a lot worrying in the YA zeitgeist.

Best I can so is tell them I love them and that I always want what's best for them
and hope it sinks in so they may at least listen.

It must be so worrying and frustrating steppemum -

I did have moments this last weekend - we were having guests over for one of their birthdays - when I did suddenly look forward to them all leaving home. Though in truth DH and the cats means things won't stay clean and tidy. I'd got all the washing out the way and tidied the downstais bathroom only for DD1 to use very towel in house she coudl find and mess it all up. Given the behavior later during the party - polite but borderline - and towards the one mutal friend I think it may have been deliberate protest at younger child and exam stress playing out - I think we all individually decicde to ignore the attitude.

Oh Orangesandlemons77 that's a nightmare.
We have had a similar incident (twice 😨) with ds. Each time they kept him by the skin of his teeth. No concept of how much damage he would have done to himself he he got kicked out. Ultimate risk take, and yes I can relate to the 'it was interesting'

He did come through, and is now at 1st year uni. It is my Dad's 80th on Sunday and he just phoned my mum and asked her if she would like him to come early and mow the lawn.🤗
My mum was so chuffed. No concept of the fact that dh and I will need to do that the day before, plus sorting and setting up gazebo, chairs and tables, etc etc, and that Sunday morning half an hour before the party starts is a little late....

Still, the fact he phoned has made her happy. (and me a bit proud)

They do come out the other side (eventually)
When ds was on 5 days exclusion (having just managed to not get permanently expelled) I really had one of those moments. I realised I had to let go, and let him make his own mistakes, that he has been given all the training we can and now it is over to him. Wish I could feel the same way about dd's decision, trouble is that one has life long consequences, which ds didn't in the same way.

Hi all, no news from the boy wonder who is making zero progress with his uni/home life decisions. I'm trying to back off and let DH talk to him. I've been doing basically all of the heavy lifting of parenting for 19 years now. I think I can take a backseat for a couple of weeks.

@steppemum I wonder if your DD is going through similar issues to my dd2 (16 nearly 17) . I told her she can not make any permanent changes til she is 18 and I won't entertain it. I accept her as she is and have just gone very low key on any decisions and am aiming for reserved yet supportive. And actually since she started raising these issues I think she is becoming more comfortable in her skin. I think all teens go through a sense of rejecting their bodies, and this has always exhibited in a range of ways such as too much makeup, weight loss diets, tattoos/piercings, ridiculous clothes, skimpy clothes, promiscuity. Most of these things were temporary in effect. Now there is a sinister undercurrent that is mostly digitally driven narrative around trans/non binary/ self harm/ED, the harms if which are much more lasting.

I told her she can not make any permanent changes til she is 18 and I won't entertain it.
that was always our line.
As she is over 16 she has used her earnings from saturday job to go to a private GP and get a prescription. Without physically removing it from her, there isn't anything we can do except tell her we don't agree.

This is similar to me although eldest hopefully off to uni in Sep as youngest starts sixth form.

I work from home PT and have been flailing around looking for meaning the last 6 months. I’ve looked into a Masters (too expensive) and a nature volunteering thing (this seems to have stalled from their end), but tbh it’s all so full on atm with the double hell of GCSEs and A levels, two elderly rellys - MIL and DM I’m not really pushing either through with gusto.

I think I probably need to start thinking more seriously about it come the autumn. I’m fine Spring/Summer as am into gardening and have plenty to keep me busy then, it’s the winter months. Also I can’t help but feel a bit of FOMO at the whole learning/uni thing and have always felt like I should have done more academic stuff.

The next chapter!

Flailing! Yes. Exactly.

Mums health is deteriorating and she was blue lighted to hospital last week :(
Trip over half term cancelled - she's just too ill to travel.

I'm now thinking that a degree would be foolish with the cost of living crisis....not a good time to be taking on more debt 🤔

I feel rather at sea atm. As if I'm being carried along by a huge wave and I'm powerless to alter its course or get off.

The thing is, about student debt, it is meant to be more like a graduate tax and as I understand it gets written off once you reach a certain age (?) I know this as DS has been doing it in his core maths course...maybe a degree would be good.

Argh well exams not over here as DS now has resits in June for some of them :-( it all goes on..

Yeah...
Loan runs for 30 years...I'm 50 this year! :)

This is almost me! I have three teen boys, 13,14 and 16. I’m on my own and I’m always here for them, they come and find me if they want/need something but otherwise I don’t see them - they are gaming or chatting to friends online. One of them goes out quite a bit with friends. I have a dog who is my companion on walks now because no one else wants to come anymore - they will come out over the holidays but not like when they were little, I do miss those days:( I’m considering another dog - I love my animals and they always need me!! And give me company and something to do to feel useful!!

First A level exams for DTs today. By a stroke of luck, even though they do different subjects, virtually all their exams are on the same days.

I had a little emotional moment (I’m a big sap), when they left, as DS drove off, in my car. It seemed like five minutes ago when I had to carry him into his first day of school and prise him off my leg.

I had a moment like that last week at the swimming baths. A mum and her toddler boy were in the next cubicle and he was meant to be going for his lesson but he was tired and crying and didn't want to go and his mum was trying to reason with him. It so reminded me of ds, and how hard parenting was then. I wanted to go in and scoop them both up. Now ds is mid 20s and lives independently and is a grown man, but i just seen the wee boy he was right there again.

It’s a strange feeling isn’t it? I wouldn’t start with babies again for all the money in the world, but I get little pang when I see that kind of thing.

I love so much seeing them growing and changing. I said to a colleague who has 3 at primary school age how much I loved dinner time because we have such great chats. They have opinions about the world and stuff going on it and they are interesting to talk to. He doesn’t enjoy it at all, he’s still got squabbling, throwing food at each other and chatter about pokemon :)