Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

I think we all feel guilt at times Cameleongirl and I certainly identify with that feeling. But as the DC become teens, I think it helps to gradually ease everyone in to slightly different routines, and as with your son, many teens thrive on the trust placed in them, and enjoy the independence.

Thanks for your kind words steppemum, much appreciated, although I'm a bit of a negligent op currently what with posting difficulties and several absences! Thanks for your advice about teen kickback. Hopefully, they will come around soon! But as Cameleongirl said, we are very susceptible to guilt!

Teens love being left on their own, surely? It can't just be my teens? My teens were left in the house alone for 2 nights recently. As well as a lot of mess, they had kept both front and back door unlocked the whole time.

Yes I think, in the main, they love it Paisleypattern ...it's us parents who struggle with it! Glad your house survived your absence! 😃

I've just experienced the most teen moment with DD, 17. We're in the US so it's only 5 p.m. here and I came home to discover her rifling through my wardrobe looking for "business casual" clothes. Apparently, she's going to a networking event at a local university tonight and needs a blouse and jacket. She has a couple of blouses and a jacket for such occasions, but she's gone off them apparently.

Cue much rushing around looking for a blouse that isn't an "old person's" style, plus many of mine don't fit her more ample bust. Finally find a good one and she borrows a brand-new jacket that still has the tags on.

She'd vaguely mentioned that she had a networking event this week and I'm proud that she's so driven and independent...,but why didn't we put together her outfit yesterday evening, when we had plenty of time? 😂

I can see that her priorities will still take precedent for a while yet, even though I can sneak in some of my own now!

She sounds awesome ☺️

Ds1 is going to be a peer mentor for 1st year undergrads next year. He's also applied to shadow a local MP to learn more about local politics.

I'm very proud of him ❤️

I recognise that scenario Cameleongirl! I hope your daughter's networking event went well! And bravo to your DS too ChiswickFlo! They are obviously very engaged students and it's just so great to hear that teens and young adults are getting back to normal life, after such a grim time during the pandemic.

As a parent you get used to starting off the day with a plan of action in mind, only for your attention to be diverted elsewhere. (Can't scroll ATM, but didn't a pp write about getting interrupted so many times that we give up? And of course there is that awful phase when they are young when they are frequently ill and you have to keep cancelling things. Very glad that stage is over!). I've lost count of the number of times mine have "suddenly" needed camping equipment, food for friends, an "urgent" 150k drive somewhere ... . I think during adolescence, if they come to us with that sort of "need" rather than some dire emergency or emotional meltdown, and if they are full of enthusiasm for something, we are more than happy to oblige and put our own plans on hold

Due to me being divorced when the dcs were little, Dp and I are used to having weekends and holidays just the 2 of us, as well as with the dcs, who are 17 and 15. We have child free friends as well as families so I think this might help the transition.

We're planning on buying a city apartment as a base and travelling as much as possible. All being well we can retire mid 50s mortgage free and the dcs will be long flown by then.

After years of being a single parent and doing every single bloody school run to their great but rural school until a year or so ago (never lived with dp or combined finances) I can taste the freedom.

I've started new hobbies and joined a lovely spa gym this year and am so enjoying being out of the house in the evenings while the dcs get themselves home and sort themselves out.

Its all very money dependent though isn't it, like everything else these days. I wasn't a single parent but had no help when the kids were young due to dhs shifts, i did every school run too and had the take a minimum wage local job i absolutely hated as it allowed me flexibility for the school holidays. And there just wasnt spare money for hobbies and joining gyms or clubs. For us i mean, any spare money went to paying for these things for the dcs. So now the kids are grown and getting indepeindependent but all the talk of getting your own life and doing all the things you missed out on, sort of gets me down, because we just can't afford to do them. We are still supporting the dcs in different ways now. I can't see that stopping until they get well paid jobs themselves..

Yes that's a very good point ssd, it's tough going and I imagine many people are in a similar situation and that, with current cost of living crisis, many more people will be. It's one thing having more time available but you do need available income to travel and fund different activities and not everyone is going to be in that position by any means. I'm sorry this thread has got you down about it, and you're absolutely right, the financial aspect of our "new lives" should have been addressed earlier.

Just having teens and funding them is very expensive. DH and are both very conscious of our high outgoings ATM with DC at uni. The costs of tuition, accommodation, transport, food and living costs, driving lessons, holidays and travel. Our teens have pt jobs so they fund their own clothes and some other expenses. We are making economies in other areas as there are so many costs involved. I pledged at the beginning of the year not to buy any clothes for myself. I am lucky enough to do one leisure activity and buy stuff secondhand for it but I am consciously sticking to one for that reason. But I realise I am in a very privileged position to be able to do even that.

And I don't know how people afford cars or fund car insurance for their dcs' either as it is extortionate under the age of 25 years. The whole driving lesson, second hand car, insurance bundle is going to be totally out of reach for many young people I imagine. I know that is not a bad thing for the environment but one of my teens will need to drive for her job.

Child benefit covers a lot of costs up to school leaving age. It's going to leave a big hole. But it's not hard for teenagers to find a job these days. My teenager will be working 30 hours a week over the summer, in 2 different jobs in 2 different towns. It never crosses her mind to ask me to pay for clothes anymore, and she's financing her own week away with school friends - again, it never occurred to her to ask me to contribute to that or to help with organising it, though I've given a little advice. She loves the independence that earning money brings and it's great to see her starting to become an adult. She's had 2 job interviews and got both jobs!

It's such a tumultuous time isn't it?

First there is the gaining in independence but then the increased costs incolved with some things. Then sometimes the sandwiching between teens and elderly parents. The menopause into the mix, and the hormones of puberty at the same time.

I'm glad there are others to talk to here, as mentioned parents don't seem to talk so much about their teens as they do you younger children and you don't have the school gate conversations of that stage either.

I'm also enjoying reading the experiences of others in the same stage of life. We are currently dealing with the uncertainty of DS19 dropping out of uni. He hasn't got any plans and doesn't know if he is coming home or staying in his university city. He hasn't got a job in either town, and hasn't really struck up many friendships in the last academic year. He is a real introvert and quite selfish (I hear this is normal for many young men). He wants to live independently but has shown no motivation to earn his own money.

We were obviously happy to support him living away at uni but now he is clear he has no intention to return on September for his second year I'm not funding his lifestyle and he will need to get a job and/or come home. I don't know how I feel about him coming back. My DDs have also expressed reservations and my youngest has articulated she likes it better when he's not here. It is a real fine line between the enduring support and letting him know he can always come home, with supporting him to be independent and being a safety net every time something goes wrong for him.

I have 2 adult DC, and a mostly empty nest (apart from University summer holiday).
Been fostering their independent streak since their early teens so they were confident to move on but happy to visit and meet up.
We're enjoying the freedom to eat the foods we like (today's lunch was fish cake, salad and garlic mushrooms) and developing hobbies now we have the space.
I've been painting our fence panels stripy blue and purple with pink edges, and I painted DD's old room my art studio with glitter paint, with a giant dragon painted on the ceiling. I made a dress for myself, did a load of massive jigsaws, and planted a vegetable garden for the summer.

Haven't been eligible for CB for years
We are one of those unlucky families that just fell foul of the new bracket. Dh got a pay rise and we were actually worse off!

Ds1 is insured on my car (£60 pm) and fills it with fuel 2 x monthly (£80 pm) He also pays for his own mobile (£20pm atm)

^he uses his basic maintenance loan for these expenses

We are still housing him, feeding him etc but he's no trouble

He's got an exam tomorrow so he's a bit stressy today

He's considering a pgce which is another year of study....

It's mi e and dhs wedding anniversary today...

We went to a local town to the market and then out for lunch 😋

My DS passed his driving test recently. We paid for lessons as a gift for his 17 th and with 25 h of lessons, the cost of license, theory test and 2 practicals ( he passed second time) we have spent around a grand. That is just not achievable for some families. Now he can drive but is still away in uni town so no need for a car. I've priced up and even named driver insurance on my elderly Punto is going to be £60 extra every month and I would also need to get a black box fitted which would impact me more than him!

DD1 is turning 17 next month so we'll be starting all over again 😬. I can't wait for all of the disposable income we'll have when they all finally fly the nest. The next few years will be lean, with all of the extra cost of living. But my student loan is nearly paid off so I'll start seeing that extra wodge in my pay next year.

I do feel resentful that I am earning three quarters of the household cash but always seem to be last in the queue for spending and treats!

@ssd I'm so sorry if my post was insensitive. Your point is really valid. We're not all having the same experience even if we have some elements in common.

I well remember going back to work one august and crying because I'd left my small dcs in a holiday club every day which cost more than my take home pay. I absolutely hated that job but was very lucky that it led to a new opportunity in the same business, which then led to some new qualifications and progression.

No @whirlygaily , you weren't being insensitive at all, no need to apologise. We're all just in different positions, as you said. I've always had to watch my money, so these days aren't really any different to me, except we have much more freedom now. But please don't feel bad, i don't regret my choices and most of them were just down to circumstances. I looked after my mum too, dad had died years before. And i just couldn't do full time with ds2 being 6 and mum was 80 and there was no help with any of them. My older siblings had moved away and had no interest in how mum was. At the time i was really so ground down with it all, it was just relentless. I started the elderly parents section on mn, just to meet someone else in my position and I'm glad to see the section is still going strong.

Happy anniversary @ChiswickFlo

Thank you 😊

I know what you mean @ssd
On paper our household income is good but...I only get carers allowance (which I'm sure as you all know is a pittance)
Supporting ds1 through university atm and ds2 starts his gcses next year so the merry-go-round starts again!
The house always seems to need work (I think the boiler is on its last legs...)
I'm not sure I'll ever feel "Comfortable" financially 😕

I'm so done with parenting today.🙁
We had a long painful difficult conversation with dd1 last night. She has made a decision that we are really unhappy with, that we had asked her and encourgaed her to put off making until she was older. She's only 17 and this is a life changing decision. I am so angry at so many people right now, it feels like the rights of parents to protect their kids has disappeared. Apparently they can make these choices for themselves, even though at this age she couldn't get married without permission, isn't old enough to vote and still needs me to sign off parental permission for all sorts of other crap. But this, chaneg your life in the middle of puberty, no, that's FINE.
We were talking in the living room until well past midnight. Then of course I couldn't sleep.
Came down this morning and dd2 is shouting at dh about us having a 'row' last night and keeping her awake with all the 'yelling' There wasn't a raised voice at any point, it wasn't that sort of conversation, and that has upset me too, as dd2 knew what we were talking about and somehow she thinks we were shouting at dd1, which would have been 100% inappropriate.

I just don't know how to parent any more. I have had enough, let them go and make their own decision, who am I to know anything about anything, hey I'm just some old cow who DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.

Oh and the bloody selfishness of being 14.
She knew how important that conversation was, knew we were all really upset, but the only thing that matters is that we kept her awake.

@steppemum it is hard when you see them making awful mistakes, but sometimes they just need to fuck up to realise that some decisions are stupid.
The main thing is to allow them a way back when this realisation dawns, and to offer reassurance that you're there for them despite their choices being different from yours.
My DD did several tattoos on her arm when she was 17, she'll have those for life now, but I persuaded her to keep "presentable areas" clear of tattoos until she gets a proper career as visible tattoos don't get you shortlisted in most jobs.

Sending solidarity, unMumsnetty hugs, flowers, a huge piece of cake and gin to you Steppemum you sound so low with it all, sorry it's such tough going. And as someone who has been "the old cow who doesn't understand" for several years now, I totally, totally recognise that deep sense of exasperation bordering on despair! Hang in there XX

Belated happy anniversary wishes to ChiswickFlo!