Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

Oh dear, reminder not to ask MIL for advice on this 'life stage'. Apparently, at this stage it is tricky as with the DC growing up and away you can grow apart from your husband 'what have you got left?' where the actual words...Emmm..

It's odd because I always felt that it was a trickier time for couples when the DC were tiny as you get hardly any time together...this improves as they get older.

But MIL cab be very negative. Not a great idea to speak to her about this I think.

Well, we have each other 'left' surely! DC are not our whole reason for being together.

Yes, we definitely have more time for each other now and dh and i still get a thrill from being able to jump in the car and go somewhere by ourselves whenever we want. We had no help with the kids growing up,it all fell to us and now the freedom is extra sweet.
Im glad you had the help of your siblings @Calafsidentity with your elderly parents, i have older siblings who left it all to me, when mum was alive and also after she died and i now have nothing to do with them. My family now is just dh and the dcs.

Oh dear, your MIL does sound miserable. Like others, DH and I love spending time together sans kids. To date, we haven’t been comfortable leaving them alone for a weekend away ( because they fight sometimes and we don’t want them calling complaining about each other 😂), but now DD is 17 and driving, we might try it this summer. Can’t wait!

yes. and more.
Sorry, it is not something tha I usually will discuss on mn as it is too volatile.
Do pm me.

Thank you.
My situation is also rather challenging and I'm taking steps but I feel like I'm walking underwater atm :(

Grrr.
Half term.
So, I'm not working, and planned to spend lots of time sewing and gardening.
All weekend seems to have been about other people, in the micest way, but spent all yesterday evening with a lady who has called the police on her ex partner. Sitting with her til the police came. Nice to have time with her and glad to help but....

So to today. Dd2 has friend arriving for 4 days. Dd1 has been using her room and ds' room since ds went to uni. Dd1 just realised that said friend would be staying in ds' room, and therefore her planned sleepover with 2 friends on Tuesday would not be possible in quite the same way. (how she had missed this peice of information I really don't know, and it was the first we had heard about the speepover, although these two do stay quite often, and ds room is now the spare room, not hers, just because she likes to sleep in there).

Cue serious massive ongoing meltdown teenaged row between dd1 and dd2. Very unusual for them, and therefore actually quite a serious row. Lots of things said that have been brewing for ages. Row mostly happening at ME rather than between the 2 of them. Me trying to be fair to both sides, but I can't change plans for dd2s friend to stay, dd1 says we are unfair and always put dd2s needs first. (she is high functioning aspergers, so yes, we probably are quite guilty of this)

AAARRRGGG. Picked dd2s friend up at lunchtime. Fragile peace reigns, some compromise has been reached. I am sitting at computer going BLEUGH all afternoon, no energy left to do garden or sew.
and.... breathe.

4 years and counting til they are all at uni/left home. (4 years sounds very LOOONG).

Oh gawd
I'm not messaging you!
You have enough on your plate!

I'm in peri menopausal insomnia hell but Dr is useless. I'm considering phoning though as I feel pretty ill from it now :(

Mum still not really eating. No idea what's wrong.

So worried about ds2. I'm taking steps (counselling etc) but I feel sick.

Ds1 did his last university exam for his first year today. He is shattered.

I'm planning a couple of nice days out for ds2 and I this week but all I want to do is crawl under the duvet and for someone to look after me :( pathetic

I read this on here ages ago, its very apt.
"I could have written this too. It’s a fucking uphill struggle just keeping going with the normal stuff. I am spent, completely drained of ability to climb out of this hole. My wellbeing is so intrinsically entwined with my children’s that I can only be happy when they are (all three of the have mental health problem which I feel shit about). I worry that they will realise this and feel even more pressure. I want a break from thinking and worrying, I need to get on top and be strong, but I need to be hugged and looked after while I just lie down and just breathe"

I was just watching a couple of holiday ads, and it got me thinking.
If I had one weeks holiday, any price, what would I do? Where would I go?
What would I LIKE to do?
I have no idea. But I did realise that I would like it to be:

1. alone


2. catered

😁

ChiswickFlo

you're very welcome to pm me, I am just ranting. I still have the rest of the week.

Ditto! 🙂

Thank you
That's very kind x

I'm in peri menopausal insomnia hell but Dr is useless. I'm considering phoning though as I feel pretty ill from it now

if your surgery does e consult, try that rather than phoning in. its a massive questionnaire and the meno bit is very detailed. It really helped me because I could take my time and get everything down on paper, without forgetting stuff. And I also didn’t automatically downplay any of the symptoms which I did in person. They also have to call you back after you send it in, so you get at least a telephone appointment.

my worst symptom was insomnia and six months into HRT and it’s made such a difference. I wouldn’t say I’m a good sleeper, but I get at least 6/7 hours every night.

Nope. No e consult.
Can't go in either. You have to phone for an appointment and can't get in the building without one.
Spent 50 mins on phone earlier to get a phone call back. (Took 105 goes to get through according to my phone log)
Spoke to locum gp who had ordered a load of blood tests (?) so I've now got a 2 week wait for those. (Surgery wait is 5 weeks...)
I'm so, so tired
I feel utterly dreadful.
I asked for something to help me sleep and he refused til he sees the blood results
(My red count and thyroid have been tested multiple times. Always fine)
In desperation I've "borrowed" some of my mums amitriptyline...I don't know what else to do:(

Can't take hrt...I've tried the lot plus coil plus endometrial ablation!

I've tried yoga, cbd oil, melatonin and ice even taken my last 2 diazepam last night (they are probably ood they are so old but I was desperate...)

I'm still bleeding monthly so no idea what in earth the Dr expects these bloods to show (?)

I'm in a totally vile mood and have told dh I'm going back to bed. Today is cancelled.

I've messaged you @steppemum
But the new pm site is weird! Hopefully you got it!

Hi @steppemum
Sorry I haven't messaged you again...I'm so tired I'm barely functioning atm 😴
Hope you all have a good BH weekend x

School back tomorrow so there will be a meeting with HOY and wellbeing person again at some point.

I'm arranging private counselling for ds (camhs wait is 3 years here and he wouldn't meet the threshold anyway) and hope to get that arranged next week.

I feel awful that I thought he was OK. The incident last year obviously traumatised him a lot more than we thought.

The whole non binary thing baffles me tbh. It's fine but... Dare I use the word "fad"?

I think he's gay but obviously not ready to come out yet.

All in all I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically (thanks peri menopausal insomnia) and emotionally.

Can I please bring some crisps and join in? I was about to start a thread and was so pleased to see this.
dd now 17 and talking of college and gap years. I just have massive anxiety, how do I find a college? How do I pay? I just feel that I screwed up massively when she was little - hormones, situation caused me to make some deeply damaging choices. I still feel I’ve not recovered or found my way back . I thought by now I’d be established in a career and strong enough to help her, instead I’m looking for work don’t seem to be good enough for anything, feel totally useless and anxious. And like a lot of you, absolutely exhausted. Dp and I were both seriously I’ll,and it knocked my confidence a lot. and I feel like a pp, that I’m the emotional centre and keep it all spinning yet no one realises. Dp nags me to find work, Yet running the house and family and looking for a job, feels like work. I’ve not done what I really wanted because we couldn’t afford it, or childcare. Now I’m, horror, 58 ( I was an old mum) I can’t believe I’ve got to this age and not found a direction. Well, I have a direction, it’s working out how to make it a career . At 58. Ffs. Need the wisdom of this thread!

Also dd dyslexic and, like everyone else is pansexual and I keep bloody forgetting not to call her she. Dd always on the computer and won’t go out, and Dp always exhausted from work, which means I do all the mental load stuff. Everyone greets me with,’can I get…’ Dp asked for’something tasty’ and looked astonished when I said, ‘ too much thinking, just tell me what you want’ I mean how lazy is that or Aibu?! How do I break freeee! And do stuff for meeeeeee. Rant over. Go and nag teens again. Grumble!

dd now 17 and talking of college and gap years. I just have massive anxiety, how do I find a college? How do I pay?

It's good she thinking about it though.

I have to admit DD1 is less independent with this than DH or I were - our parents were supportive but much more hands off and up to us to do reseach - but then we were both first to get to univeristy.

I did recently dragged us all to a What University? & What Career? Live carrer fair and DD1 college took them to a nearby campus with a similar event.

She has a vauge plan and knows the course she wants -though I did end up doing a list of feasible univeristies with the course basicly England and Wales - with ranking and A-levels wanted and open days coming up - nothing happned for weeks so got DH to nudge and two open days are booked up - though train strike may stop one.

We'll look at into funding situation in the summer months - but I do think I was doing more of this background stuff at the same age.

@MercurialMonday
OK. Deep breaths!
What course does she want to do?
Stay local or go away?
Start looking at open days - these are in person again now thank goodness....ds1 had 3 that were virtual and they weren't that good.
You finance it (unless you have theeans to pay cash) by student tuition loans and maintenance loan then usually patents "top up" what needed/the child gets a pt job (this really is course dependent imo though...workloads on different courses vary hugely)
www.gov.uk/studentfinance
Tuition loans are approx £9000 and maintenance loan is means tested if you areon a low income you could get the full amount of approx £9000 (it's higher for london)
The basic maintenance loan is £3500 - anyone can get this (ie: it's not means tested)
Aren't there any pastoral workers/post a level staff she can talk to?

@ChiswickFlo did you mean to tag Moomoola as well or instead?

I don't think we're in terrible place - I say DD1 career plans are vague as I feel they've come more from us than her but based on what she's good at and currently interested in. I woudn't be shocked or even slightly disappointed if those changed but currently she wants to do Chemistry degree - it's her favourite A-level and should leave as many door open to her as possible and is good route into area she currently thinking of.

We have two open days book - one at higher end of her grades and one definitely in her region - but as covid means she sat no formal exams I do think she waiting for her AS level results in summer. DD1 just comes across as a tad passive at the minute about it all - hopefully open days, work and AS-level results will focus her a bit more.

Funding is slightly different here in Wales - also want to understand what happens if we do hop back over the boarder into England while they are at university.

Debts are now inevitable with a degree - but we have some saving for the children - from us and from GP - I suspect we'll feel it when/if we end up with multiple children at university.

Moomoola open days for univerity are coming up in next few months - but many have open days in autumn term - and others now do post offer open days.
Martin Lewis funding university - isn't a bad place to start to understand university funding.