Parents of teens & young adults ~ pursuing our own priorities after two decades of parenting!

[Calafsidentity]

Leading on from this discussion and much as we love our DCs & DPs, this is the thread where some of us parents of teens (POTs) who've had our fill of parenting drudgery & 'wife work' can support one another to move towards a life where we (depending on the life stage we're at) can prepare to, or finally put ourselves, near or at the top of the priority list after a couple of decades of facilitating the needs and wants of others, and where we encourage and help one another to develop our own individual passions, priorities, purposeful plans and pet projects which have, prior to this point, been put on the back burner!

Welcome everyone and good luck!

Good to see you NoraLuka have pm'ed you as mentioned on other thread!

And a warm welcome to any posters I haven't mentioned! It's good to have you with us!

I'm off for the rest of the day now but hope you all have a good one and if you are on holiday like me, I hope we can take some time just for yourselves to think about how we are going to live our lives from now on. Instead of fitting in exercise and personal projects around everyone else, let's put them back at the centre of our lives!

NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy see you then . Your plans sound amazing!

NecklessMumster I hear you about being plan resistant! In some ways, after being so tied down to routines, plans are the last things we want to make! Maybe you need an "untethered" period of adjustment? Or do a bit of both?

Well you've certainly made a good start Calculathor with your new money-making hobby. You are ahead of a lot of us. Maybe the confidence and contacts gained from that could allow you to morph in to more social activities? Good luck with it anyway!

Whydidntyou sympathies! It's really hard when you have to stand back and watch them make less than optimum life decisions! Give yourself a break though; that's a lot of responsibility you have with four dc; definitely a question of a marathon rather than a sprint. Maybe isolate some time for yourself - even a physical room if you have space - to where you can retreat and focus on your own pursuits that will give you a bit of joy and relief from worry?

Great idea for a thread.

18 and 16 year old here. The 18 year old will be around for the foreseeable future while he works out what to do with his life. However both of them now have their own lives that does not involve their parents (except when lifts are needed ). I'm very much working out what I do with the extra time I now have that I am not constantly actively looking after children! I'd love to join a group or take up a new hobby, but all the clubs round here either seem to meet in the day (no good if you work full time office hours) or be aimed at 20s and 30s or 60+. Not sure what folks who are middle aged do!

Hi. - my two will (hopefully) be at uni in September with youngest sitting A levels in a few weeks.

Both DH and I have widowed mums in their mid-80s so I think what freedom we gain from the DCs is going to be rapidly lost to parents. Both are still fiercely independent and relatively fit ATM but not sure how long that can last.

The pandemic hit at the wrong time for us - exactly when the DCs should have been really finding their feet rather than being stuck at home.

DH is still mainly WFH, very reluctant to go back to the office, which restricts me during the day. I have WfH on a freelance basis, very part time, since the DCs were at primary so having DH home all the time has been .... different.

Definitely feeling a bit apprehensive about the next few years.

Hi, have a 16 year old DD and we get on well and usually go out together regularly. On Saturday I decided to go see if she wanted to go for an impromptu theatre trip. She declined so I decided to go on my own. DD wasn't expecting me to go and I wasn't sure I would either! Got there and the internet was down at the booking office, they let me in for free! Two other ladies were sat behind me and we all got talking. After show went for coffee. DD was texting, worried that I had been out on my own for so long. It is what I needed. I can go out and do things on my own. More solo trips for me.

Mid/late teens here too and whilst I love them more than life itself, I am also menopausal and increasingly crave time to myself. I’d like to join your thread too, please

Have namechanged for this as the details might be quite outing...

I have 3 DC, eldest is in university, middle one is doing A levels this year and off to university in September, youngest is doing GCSEs this year. I went back to university to study for an MSc in a subject that was completely new to me 3 years ago, and have subsequently changed career. I really feel that this is my time to get my life back - not that I didn't love having small children and putting them first, but that work is now done and it's my turn.

This thread is a great idea, it's good to find other people with a similar outlook.

Hi all I think you may be my people!! I feel in a funny place recently. My dc are 18, 16,13 and 9 and I feel like I've been parenting for so long I'm a bit lost.

As someone said above the pandemic hit at the wrong moment for us and the older teens I think are only now starting to find their independence. Ds1 works which helps.

I often fantasise about living quietly by the sea in a lovely uncluttered little house. Although we have almost reached a point where dp and I could leave them a for a day or 2 for a break, I'm actually not that keen on him anymore, he's just an extra teenager half the time!

My job is funny hours which isn't helping with things at home so I'm currently trying to get something with more normal office hours.

Im at a confused point, i have an 18 and 21 yr old. Have always been v maternal and almost went for no. 3 a few years back, very glad I didn't, I love my kids but I'm drained, drained of the mental load!! Eldest stays at gfs a few nights and that's great as I can at least not worry about that one as they arent here.

At the moment I just crave time alone, keep making excuses to sit downstairs later at night on my own to watch my tv, glass of wine and chocolate , same with daytime, work at home mainly and love the time I get alone,

is this normal? I'm late 40's

I dream of an apartment that is mine, just me alone, eating and drinking what I like, doing what I like.

Interesting?

“The mommy brain unplugs.” Menopause means a decline in the hormones that have boosted connection and driven nurturing behaviors'

@velvet24 I too crave alone time. It's very rare at the moment with DH still WFH normally 4 days a week, and youngest at school. She's about to start study leave for a levels so will be around even more for a while. They seem to take it turns - as soon as one goes off to work/study etc, the other attaches themselves. I rarely leave the house without one of them. My thing is singing in a choir - twice a week if I can manage not having to give DD a lift or something.

I'm 54.

@velvet24

Interesting?

“The mommy brain unplugs.” Menopause means a decline in the hormones that have boosted connection and driven nurturing behaviors'

Welcome to all new recruits!

velvet24 yes indeed and if this thread runs in to a second; "The mommy brain unplugs' will be our next title! .

Agree that it is the emotional load that is the most exhausting!

And I too , like so many pps here, crave a space of my own, free of everyone else's clutter, peaceful, decorated by myself alone, with only my things in it, where I can listen to my choice of music, read my books, watch my choice of film, have my choice of food in the fridge, where I can put my things down and they won't be borrowed, or moved, in which I can keep my choice of hours and come and go as I please without being accountable to anyone else, or consider anyone else! . I say that knowing it makes me sound like a raging megalomaniac and that I have every reason to be massively grateful to my DH and grown DC for all the experiences we have had together to date. It's just time for some changes now, as simple as that.

I’m in. Eldest has moved away and youngest now drives so no longer his taxi service. It’s was weird at first not being tied down, especially at weekends, although got used to it now. It’s nice being able to go out for the day, usually the coast, but I miss the one-to-one conversations you have in the car.

That sounds very full on Seeline and Dancetherain

I also stay up late when I can velvet24 just to get some time alone, but I feel so awful the next morning nowadays, I daren't do it too much!

Congrats on your MSc and career change BuwchGochGota that's a huge achievement with 3 DC!

Welcome to everyone else!

I’m in. This thread has finally got me to post rather than just scroll and lurk!

My boys are 18 and 16. Husband used to work away Mon - Thurs but since Covid he mostly WFH. DS2 has been home schooled this year due to problems at school. DS1 doing well and will be off to uni in Sept. I’m a SAHM.

I love them all dearly but like many of you I crave time alone. I want to read, write, walk my dog, go to art exhibitions, watch high brow TV and foreign films ( instead of endless football!), and find rooms in roughly the same state of cleanliness that I left them in.

The last year has been really tough for various reasons and I feel like I’m the emotional crux of the whole family and just about holding it together.

I’m 50 in August and really want to turn my attention back to me in my fifties. Time to put myself back at the centre of my own life.

Some nights now, if my eldest is at his gf's, I watch my stuff on tv in the lounge, dh upstairs and other teen is in bedroom, I watch my things, have a vino, and sleep in my eldests room as he is away at times, both dh and I like this as we both like some space , it works !

I even like the idea of having a weekend away by myself, do you think its natures way of preparing the brain and emotions for when children leave home?

I would have said we were at that stage a year ago and then the 22 year old moved back home! Urghh!

My friend still has her 30 and 28 year olds at home.

@Riverlee

I’m in. Eldest has moved away and youngest now drives so no longer his taxi service. It’s was weird at first not being tied down, especially at weekends, although got used to it now. It’s nice being able to go out for the day, usually the coast, but I miss the one-to-one conversations you have in the car.

DC learning to drive is a game changer isn't it? 2 out of 3 of mine have passed, and the eldest often volunteers to take the youngest to her activities if he's home from university, so after years of being mum's taxi I have far more time on my hands. In fact my eldest picked me up from a night out with friends over the weekend so I could have a few drinks - that was nice!

@velvet24

My friend still has her 30 and 28 year olds at home.

Nooooooooooooo

I actually worry about this. What if they all come back after university? What if I get used to a quiet life and then they all come back? Love them to bits obviously, but I'm not sure I'd like them to do that.

Well mine are both away at uni but I feel like there will be several years of support still necessary to get them completely independent - both emotionally (building confidence) and financially. I am a 57 year old full time teacher currently doing extra tutoring to pay their rent! I will have no energy left for me

I am 53 with a 17 year old and a 14 year old. DH and I both had covid last week so couldn't go anywhere, and the teens were staying in their rooms. We ended up having a lovely time gardening (interspersed with naps because we got tired!) and chatting. DH admitted he's looking forward to the DCs being off at university as he wants a bit of head space. DD (14) is autistic so needs us to be there when she goes to sleep etc and is lovely but exhausting. So I can see what DH means

I had a dream the other night where we were in an open top car driving round somewhere lovely and hot (I think Cote D'Azur or maybe Italy) and I could taste the freedom 😂

"A space of my own, free of everyone else's clutter, peaceful, decorated by myself alone, with only my things in it, where I can listen to my choice of music, read my books, watch my choice of film, have my choice of food in the fridge, where I can put my things down and they won't be borrowed, or moved, in which I can keep my choice of hours and come and go as I please without being accountable to anyone else, or consider anyone else!"

That is such a good description.

woodlands01 that's the thing isn't it? It's having the energy to make the most of our liberty. And as you and many others are saying, liberty isn't necessarily permanent after they go to university. I know it won't be for me.

Velvet24 yes, I know a 27 year old and a 29 year old still living in their respective homes. And yes I do think some elements of our longing for solitude, and the spikiness of teens, are probably designed by nature to facilitate the separation process.

Given that our DC are likely to bounce back, it's even more important that we "are not available" to slip back in to our old role of caretaker and facilitator and the dynamic has to shift from parent>child to adults house-sharing together, and I reckon it will be so much easier for us to make and maintain this change, if we are preoccupied with our own projects.

And agree that, as BuwchGochGota says, having them learn to drive is an essential part of this, unless you live somewhere well covered by public transport.

And I think, as Riverlee has experienced, some of this branching out on our own, will feel strange at first and we'll need to get used to it.

It's great to hear though how some of you are already starting to carve out space for yourselves here and there! or are starting to dream about it! Which is a first step!

Welcome PadamPadam I hear you about being the emotional crux of the family which is exhausting. I also feel the same way about the high-brow TV and foreign films instead of football. I was thinking about this over Easter actually. For the first time in about a decade, I got to choose an Easter film for everyone to watch and partly because of this thread I thought sod it, instead of choosing one to suit everyone, I'll suit myself like everyone else does. and chose a Pasolini as a contrast to the usual sci-fi, Japanese anime, Top Gear, football that's on endlessly. My dds and DH started talking about second hand cars about ten minutes in, they didn't even bother to pretend to be interested in the film, so much so that I turned it off and left them to it. They are all university educated people (well one has just started at uni) so it shouldn't have been too much of a stretch just for once. I didn't make a fuss because it was Easter, but I was upset as I must have sat through literally 100s and 100s of films of their choice over the years. It obviously wasn't the end of the world but it got me thinking about balance of power in the home and it lead me to thinking some uncomfortable thoughts frankly.

Lowther I like the reverse dynamic of your teen being worried that you were out too late

Welcome FrancescaContini and Chrysanthemum5 and anyone I haven't mentioned!

Now the holiday is over and we've had time to think about this, maybe it's time to put our thoughts in to action in a few small (or big!) ways? And maybe we could report back here about the ways we have started to branch out?

Good luck everyone! Have a good week!