DD sex with friend

[BelleJinx]

My DD (17) stayed at a friends after a party on Friday. Her best friend and her best friends boyfriend stayed in one room and my DD, another girl and 2 boys stayed in another. There were only 2 beds but because they were all a bit drunk, they had one girl and one boy in each bed.
My DD stayed in the bed of a boy she has liked for over a year and they regularly have kissed at parties but never dated or done anything past kissing. She admitted to me that one thing led to another and they had sex.
I was shocked at this because although DD has had sex with boyfriends in the past, she never had casual sex with someone she is not dating (least that im aware of). How would you react if this was your DD?

Because humans are not perfect or infallible.

And sometimes we are silly and we drink too much and do things we might not do sober. But this doesn't mean that we need to question out very being.

Having a drunken one night stand is fine. Relatively normal. Perhaps not what you would want for your ADULT child but hey- it's their life and their choices and in this case the OP and her daughter have dealt with it in a diligent and touching fashion. They clearly have a good relationship.

They didn't need a lecture about the dangers of alcohol. You have been totally OTT on this thread and barely even relevant.

If you want to discuss young adults and the links with alcohol and unsafe sex go do it on your own jeffing thread.

Also teens don't go out to parties to 'potentially be raped'. It doesn't happen at every party and you don't know the dynamic of every group of teens- the ops in this case to be able to comment on whether the girl in question was 'at risk'.

Drinking and parties does not cause rape.
Rapists cause rape.

Completely agree with you mrs cumberbatch. I've given up wasting my breath on this thread as she is obviously a complete loon.

MNHQ have stated some of her comments are beyond the pale.

She's just making herself look foolish now.

Wow. Just wow.
Glad I've not got a son as if drunken sex = rape I'd fear for them.
threads like this reinforce how far "feminists" can damage feminism

Ha ha, the idea of a party of 17 and 18 year olds being "supervised by responsible adults", oh mathanxiety you are a hoot. But then suspect you're American so no doubt the idea of anyone drinking under 21 is akin in your mind to a toddler swigging Stella out of a bottle. And by the way, in all your supposed spouting of "the law" you gave yourself away big time by talking about "UK law" - no such thing I'm afraid.

I suspect that the OP's daughter didn't use a condom because they were in a room with 2 other people and it was probably all very furtive and under the covers and they couldn't see what they were doing. Not an excuse, but an explanation. All she needs to do is to ask the boy if he's interested in dating and see what he says. If he says he's not, then she shouldn't feel bad about sleeping with him, and as long as he doesn't start to string her along and use her for sex knowing she'd like something more then he hasn't done anything bad either. It's a relatively common teenage scenario.

QOD- whatever that is- it is not feminism.

True dat Mrs C .... tis fanaticism

I am Irish. The legal drinking age in Ireland is 18 just as it is in Britain, I believe. But heyho.

Nobody has any right to tell this DD how she should feel about what happened. If he is not interested in a relationship she can feel however she likes about that.

I do not know why anyone is dragging feminism into this. Consent is central to the legal definition of rape. Not the 'feminist law' on rape, but the criminal law. I am really saddened that so many women here do not seem to understand the central place of consent and the ramifications of drinking when it comes to consent.

I am also saddened at the attitude that drunken sex, that could leave this girl feeling regret many years hence about her 'poor communication', is seen by so many as part of a learning experience, something that can only be benign in the long run, despite the fact that at least one poster has shared her own regret at 'poor communication'. The DD has already had to resort to MAP and would be smart to take the advice to be tested for stds. Neither of those outcomes are benign and in the case of std testing, great that it can be done easily and is free, but there are stds that can't be cured. I am shocked at the attitude to having unprotected sex and cannot understand how anyone can dismiss the role of alcohol in the decision making process on protection.

If you are concerned about the couple in the other bed then you go ahead and have sex but you don't bother with a condom? How does that make sense? Nobody has ever put on a condom in the dark under the covers?

OK, my apologies ref your nationality, your user name suggested American to me - no "s" in Maths in Ireland? At least you admit you're not even from the country whose legal systen you claim to know so much about.

drunken sex, that could leave this girl feeling regret many years - absent a serious STD/unplanned pregnancy, no reason why a pissed up shag at a party should lead to years of regret. You're not projecting Catholic guilt here by any chance?

cannot understand how anyone can dismiss the role of alcohol in the decision making process on protection. Is anyone dismissing this? People are rejecting the notion that her being drunk meant that she could not possibly have consented. That's not the same as saying that they were too pissed to think straight about using a condom.

Nobody has ever put on a condom in the dark under the covers? Course they have. But it's a hell of a lot easier when you can see what you are doing, particularly if you're hammered.

Not happy with your language OP- "admitted"? She didn't do anything wrong whatsoever, she has nothing to admit.

haven't RTFT

The significance of the username is that I had a broken keyboard when I first joined MN and never bothered correcting it when I replaced the keyboard.

The legal system of Ireland was imported lock, stock and barrel from Britain thanks to the vagaries of Irish history, i.e. being part of The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland until 1921 and subsequent developments in rape law have mirrored British law.

A drunken shag at a party could lead to years of regret over 'poor communication' according to SaintlyJimJams. Maybe she can comment on Catholic guilt?
Is it only Catholics who experience -
Decreased self-esteem, self-confidence, or development of negative body image
Feelings of shame, anger, guilt, and self-blame
Difficulties trusting others, especially those who share the gender of their abuser
Sexual difficulties
Difficulties with intimacy
Self-destructive impulses
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

• as a result of sexual encounters that could have been rape?

It is my contention that if they were too pissed to think about condoms the OP and her DD should talk about all the possible ramifications of drinking at parties, including the possibility that unscrupulous males may be present, and the necessity to always have a condom and to be prepared to insist on it every single time, because the consequences of not doing this can be very far-reaching.

If you are too hammered to remember about protection, talk about it, or put on a condom in the dark then chances are high that you are too drunk to give meaningful consent.

Nothing to do with feminism, but all to do with very little self respect.
A 17 year old who has already had sex with several boys and now had a drunken casual sex is what I call promiscuous. What a shame teenagers are not protected a little more.

subsequent developments in rape law have mirrored British law.

mathanxiety you're not understanding my point, perhaps I need to make it more clearly. There is no such thing as British Law or "UK Law" . There is English law (also applicable in Wales), Scots law and NI law. Rape is a criminal matter and criminal law and procedure are very different betwen Scotland and England. I'm not saying that you are necessarily wrong about what English law says (I don't know enough to comment) but you are wrong to describe it as "UK" or "British" law and your doing so undermines your credibility when you talk about the law.

timetoask the 1950s called, they are wondering when you're planning to come back? It sounds like the OP has done a very good job indeed of protecting her daughter by fostering an open and trusting relationship. Having multiple sexual partners is not behaviour which deserves moral sanction.

OP said they were 'a bit drunk', 'she's known this boy for over a year, likes him and they've kissed before at parties and one thing led to another and they had sex'.

It happens. I think it's a huge leap to suggest it was rape and offensive too.

I think mathanxiety might be onto something as a way of reducing not just teenage party sex but sex worldwide if we have to start to use 'do you want to have vaginal sex? Yes I do want to have vaginal sex' to be absolutely sure of consent at every sexual encounter.

I don't think I'd fancy it much after that little exchange.

Christ on a bike!!

i have had loads of drunken sexual encounters with male friends since the age of 18, ive always known what i was doing and its been fine. Some of it has been crap drunk sex, some of it has been some of the best sex ive ever had.

are you trying to tell me i have been raped at least 10 times?

and actually, me and dp have great drunken sex? Has he raped me too?

and i have actually had sex when i have been sober but the man has been drunk? Am i a rapist?

MNHQ have stated some of her comments are beyond the pale

where?

I had a post deleted CharlieSierra.

I think I agree with a lot of what you posted, MyEmpire. I would not suggest to her that it was rape either unless she said she can't remember consenting or gave more details about how drunk she was. I do think that boundaries and the consequences of drinking and impaired judgement need to be examined because the stupid decisions you make when drunk can have long term and serious consequences.

I fully understand the petty point you are trying to make, again, Jessie.
Thank you. Duly noted.

See this I do think that boundaries and the consequences of drinking and impaired judgement need to be examined because the stupid decisions you make when drunk can have long term and serious consequences. makes perfect sense math and I don't hesitate to agree. But that is so far away from your earlier extremes of if she was drunk, then she was raped, and If you did not give explicit consent then what you are talking about is rape