DD sex with friend

[BelleJinx]

My DD (17) stayed at a friends after a party on Friday. Her best friend and her best friends boyfriend stayed in one room and my DD, another girl and 2 boys stayed in another. There were only 2 beds but because they were all a bit drunk, they had one girl and one boy in each bed.
My DD stayed in the bed of a boy she has liked for over a year and they regularly have kissed at parties but never dated or done anything past kissing. She admitted to me that one thing led to another and they had sex.
I was shocked at this because although DD has had sex with boyfriends in the past, she never had casual sex with someone she is not dating (least that im aware of). How would you react if this was your DD?

No, it actually wasn't good for me, math.
I'm pointing out that many young women have questionable sexual experiences, before they are fully mature. It's a learning curve. OP is worried about her daughter's relationship with this boy now, as she likes him & she may get hurt. It's more about her emotional well being.
All young women to through it... For you to cry rape is, imo, madness!

Lumping possible rape under the label 'questionable sexual experiences' and implying that possible rape is part of a learning curve for this DD is irresponsible.

In the interests of her emotional wellbeing, the possibility that this may well have been rape needs to be aired, and the DD's right not to have sex simply because she has kissed a boy a few times and has somehow ended up in a bed with him needs to be stated.

The fact that she went along with a sleeping arrangement that surprised her needs to be examined. What can she do in future if this isn't something she really wants? Nobody has to share a bed if she doesn't want to and nobody has to have sex just because she shares a bed, and one thing doesn't have to lead to another once you are in the bed. What can she do if she finds someone seems to have expectations of her that she may not wish to fulfill at any point in the proceedings?

The idea that a girl should be left to figure it all out by trial and error is not one I agree with, and the idea that the matter of rape shouldn't be raised here to prevent upset is another. There is far too much at stake in terms of emotional and physical health here to permit brushing uncomfortable ideas under the rug.

Because?

Think you need to re-read the original post, math...

math I genuinely cannot wrap my head around your warped theories. Are you for real!?

I'll tell you what's irresponsible, your attitude towards rape and it's definitions. People like you, with views like you. Who throw the word about so easily. Make it more difficult for victims to report.

It's not rape if your drunk. Hell, if it is then DP would be a rapist! Your acting like an idiot.

Am surprised no one had condoms?

Possibly they had and the booze enabled them to throw caution to the wind.

A good lesson there for more care in the future.

Or maybe the morning after pill is the accepted contraception nowadays.
I don't know what if any risks are attached to using it regularly.

Do you have an answer to the question 'Why would you think your mum was crazy if she suggested you did not give full consent to sex if you were drunk?' Dixie.

If booze allowed these two people to throw caution to the wind and not use condoms, then neither of them were capable of consent. To not use a condom is not rational -- if you're too drunk to remember condoms then you're too drunk to give consent. If neither one of them had a condom, then it supports my contention that the DD did not intend to have sex. If either of them had a condom but the subject of using it didn't come up, then that is another reason to suspect consent was not something that came up either because one or both parties had lost the run of themselves.

Everything in the OP suggests to me that this event happened without any anticipation on the part of the DD, AlleyCat.

They had both been drinking and the girl was surprised at the bed arrangements, and did something out of character with this boy whom up to now she has liked and kissed, but the matter of a dating relationship with him has not been discussed, and the matter of sex has not been discussed even though they have known each other for a while and even though they have kissed. They have not sought each other out for the purposes of a relationship. They did not seek each other out for the purposes of sex in the time they have known each other, and did not plan it that night or use contraception -- MAP was used. She had not been anticipating what happened or she might not now be confused about the relationship. It was a case of 'one thing leading to another'.

Sex without consent doesn't have to involve force. I did not use words like nasty, bad, etc. to describe this boy. But sex without consent is rape no matter what way you try to slice it.

Sex while possibly too drunk to gauge consent or lack thereof, with a girl who is possibly too drunk to object to sharing a bed with someone she might not have anticipated sharing a bed with and without using contraception which may be this girl's preferred condition for having sex, by all accounts purely on the basis that the two of them ended up in bed together that is at odds with the previous context of the relationship suggests to me that consent was not a factor in this.

Again, just because a boy and girl end up in the same bed and just because they kiss while in bed doesn't mean consent is implied. Consent has to take the form of an explicit yes. The fact that you are in bed is not an implied 'yes'. No 'implied yes' may be assumed for the purposes of sex.

So DP should ask everytime we have sex? Or just everytime when I'm drunk? Just so I can make him aware.

Since 1991, there is no such thing as implied consent based on marriage or cohabitation. Your DH cannot assume you have given a general consent based purely on the fact that you are married.

It is up to you and your DH to decide how you want to proceed, based on that fact.

However, the comparison of married couples having sex based on a mutually agreed implied consent (which is not in accord with the law) does not apply to a scenario where two teens who are not even in a dating relationship drink a lot at a party and end up having sex one night when at least one person involved had not anticipated this.

Well sorry to bust your bubble on that last point, but that is what the law says. Penile penetration without consent of the vagina, anus or mouth of another is the physical act that constitutes rape.

And yes, you may well have been raped if you had sex while drunk, if you did not consent. Sex without consent is rape.

I do not see why the OP would be any more worried about the prospect of rape than any other interpretation of events. Her DD participated in something she normally does not and the consequences for her are MAP and a visit to get tested for STDs. Rape or no rape, those consequences are distressing and a pita and would be necessary.

An allegation of rape would be almost impossible to prove at this point as there were no witnesses and the recollections of teens who were possibly quite drunk would not make a case that would stand up in court. However, that does not mean a rape did not occur here.

The circumstances as described would make me suspect the idea of sex with this particular boy was not something the DD had planned, and now she doesn't know where their friendship stands. At best it was an ill-advised spur of the moment thing and at worst the boy took advantage of her while she was incapacitated (in other words, maybe he raped her); maybe they were both drunk.

But it would be wise for the OP and her DD to ask whether she feels she gave consent all the same and to discuss the human rights that women have when it comes to sex, especially in light of the fact that many women here on this thread seem unaware of the legal facts concerning rape.

A girl does not have to go along with sleeping arrangements that are surprising or that do not suit her. One thing does not have to necessarily lead to another even once in bed willingly with a boy, without contraception and without the context of a dating relationship, or even with contraception and in a dating relationship, if the girl does not want it to.

If the DD is going to have ONSs freely chosen as part of her sexual experience then she needs to be able to take responsibility for negotiating condom use; how she does this with people on a ONS basis is something she may need coaching about.

The DD also needs a word about drinking and impaired judgement.

math, for realz? Her DD didn't plan it, but that doesn't mean she didn't want it to happen.
If there was even a possibility of rape, this would be a very different thread...

Math, if the boy was more drunk than the girl would you say that she sexually assaulted him?

Math, no I'm not normally so rude, but funnily enough your moronic statements and lack of understanding have brought it out in me.

You are absolutely outrageous.

What you are saying is nonsensical and you completely offend me (and lots of others on the thread as you can plainly see no one agrees with you and everyone thinks you're mad)

Rape is a serious crime. Shouting rape for no reason because a teenage girl had a drink and shagged a boy she fancied gives us all a bad name and you are making things more difficult for rape victims such as myself. Nonsense like this makes it harder for any of us to be believed.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

math. You do have some very odd ideas about things.