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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD sex with friend

181 replies

BelleJinx · 07/12/2014 13:38

My DD (17) stayed at a friends after a party on Friday. Her best friend and her best friends boyfriend stayed in one room and my DD, another girl and 2 boys stayed in another. There were only 2 beds but because they were all a bit drunk, they had one girl and one boy in each bed.
My DD stayed in the bed of a boy she has liked for over a year and they regularly have kissed at parties but never dated or done anything past kissing. She admitted to me that one thing led to another and they had sex.
I was shocked at this because although DD has had sex with boyfriends in the past, she never had casual sex with someone she is not dating (least that im aware of). How would you react if this was your DD?

OP posts:
radiobedhead · 10/12/2014 23:58

'If she was drunk it was rape.'

Are you on glue etc

sugar21 · 11/12/2014 00:09

Hi OP Congrats on having a really open relationship with your DD. As others have said you are there to listen and in my book that's great. At least she knew the guy and all events have been taken care of. Hope something comes of it.

TsukuruTazaki · 11/12/2014 00:16

Mathanxiety stop talking bollocks Angry

You are the sort of person who makes it difficult for real rape victims to be taken seriously

Wtf are you on about, think what you are saying why don't you

Fucking hell Angry

Underthelindentree · 11/12/2014 00:30

Huh? So all the times I have had drunken sex with DP I have been raped? wtf mathanxiety? you are a nutjob.

mathanxiety · 11/12/2014 03:24

Actually no.

You cannot be drunk and give meaningful consent.

And no, I am not on glue.

Nor am I talking bollocks, or a nutjob.

Bonsoir · 11/12/2014 03:33

It sounds as if the OP's DD and this boy are working out whether or not to pursue a relationship.

What does your DD want to happen next, OP?

PerpetualStudent · 11/12/2014 04:05

Ahh, WTF?! There's difference between pass-out drunk 'what the hell are you doing in this bed' and 'whoops, I'm quite tipsy and seem to be snogging this lad I quite like'
Of course we don't know, but from OPs description it sounds much more like the latter. From her description of her relationship with her DD I'm sure she would have at least given her mum an inkling if she felt concerns around consent.
OP, I would say take the girl to the GUM clinic, & be on hand with tea & tissues for the inevitable unfolding relationship drama...

financialwizard · 11/12/2014 04:56

Agree dd needs to be checked at GUM.

Want to say that as a strong young woman I had FWB which was my choice as well as theirs. Went on for years and we were both happy with the arrangement. Added to that we are still good friends without benefits now because we both found our life partners. Trying to push the view that women always want more than FWB is abhorrent. How do you know the inner psyche of every woman in that situation?

mathanxiety · 11/12/2014 07:20

If her past experience is anything to go by, kissing may have been all she had in mind. The DD is now confused about what happens next with him, and maybe this indicates she did not have a FWB scenario in mind with him for the future, and maybe did not even have a 'sex with him that night scenario in mind'.

OP, I would ask your DD about the matter of consent. A boy does not have the right to have sex with a girl purely because they ended up in the same bed and have kissed in the past.

dexter73 · 11/12/2014 07:29

It could have been the other way round though and she instigated the sex hoping it would lead to a relationship as she has liked this boy for so long. I'm not saying this is the case but it isn't always the boys that take the lead.

Fairylea · 11/12/2014 07:35

I would say if they agreed to share one boy and one girl per bed they pretty much fancied each other and knew that something might be on the cards. Otherwise the girls would have shared surely? I'd just mention contraception and leave it at that. It's good she took the morning after pill but obviously she needs to use condoms as they prevent stds etc etc.

GinAndSonic · 11/12/2014 07:45

I disagree Math, and the law recognises that drunk consent is still consent.
You can make decisions while drunk. You can give consent if you understand what is happening and the choices you can make and the potential consequences of those choices. The law recognises that drunk consent is possible. I say this as someone who has had drunk sex, has had sex while drunk while probably past the ability to consent, but dont consider it rape as he was just as drunk, we had had sex before, and he would definietly beleived he had consent, and also as someone who has been raped while drunk.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6497889.stm

Op, at your daughters age i had sex with a male friend i fancied. We had sex many more times over the next few years and i was smitten with him. Ultimitely though, to him, it was a fwb situation and it caused me some heartache. He has a lovely wife and 2 beautiful kids now and while he hasnt aged all that well, i still feel that teenaged twang when i see him. Be ready for some strong emotions.

aliciaj · 11/12/2014 07:51

Oh dear the usual stereotypes about girls don't have a sex drive and good girls wait etc.

Stillwishihadabs · 11/12/2014 07:56

This is mad

CharlieSierra · 11/12/2014 09:03

aliciaj has anyone actually said that? She is 17, she was drunk, had unprotected sex and now regrets it. There are definitely issues to explore here regarding her understanding of consent, her use of alcohol and its effects on her ability to make decisions, and yes, whether or not she consented to unprotected sex with this boy in the hope it would get him to like her/start a relationship.

dexter73 · 11/12/2014 09:36

It doesn't say anywhere that she regrets having sex with him, just that she is wondering what will happen next. The boy was also drunk and had unprotected sex.

WannaBe · 11/12/2014 09:56

"However, if she was drunk, then she was raped and I would deal with this as rape." Bloody hell. So what if he was drunk then and she initiated? Oh but wait, only women lose the ability to consent when drinking, men are always responsible for their actions.(Hmm)

MrsRaegan · 11/12/2014 16:21

math have you lost your mind?! Of course she can give meaningful consent! Also, even if she got into bed with him without the intention of sleeping with him and then she changed her mind. It's still not rape.

fluffling · 11/12/2014 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2014 01:05

If she was drunk then sex = rape.
Rape = sex without reasonable belief in meaningful consent.
Meaningful consent cannot be given if participants are drunk.

WannaBe, men are the ones who by definition rape in UK law. It doesn't matter if he was drunk too because he is the one with the penis. Without consent, sex is rape, and rape is committed by men, under UK law. Rape victims can be male or female as rapists can penetrate either males or females.

If the male is too drunk to distinguish consent from lack of consent then sex he engages in may well be rape as he would have no 'reasonable belief' in consent, being too drunk to form an accurate opinion of the other party's response. If he was not too drunk to form an opinion, then he might also have raped, depending on how drunk the girl was.

There are details that indicate that this girl did something out of character with this boy. She has had sex with boyfriends she has been dating in the past but not with individual boys on a FWB basis. She has in the past kissed this boy but not gone further and there might have been reasons for that including not wanting to have sex with him. No protection was used when she and this boy had sex, and she needed to use MAP and hopefully will go and be tested for STDs (hopefully negative, OP) She now feels confused about what happens next, in terms of the relationship with this boy.

These details point to a lack of intent to have sex with this particular boy that night, and the fact that they had both been drinking leads me to ask about consent.

TsukuruTazaki · 12/12/2014 01:13

Math are you teetotal or something? I don't understand why you think drunk means completely out of it and incapable.

Drunk sex does not automatically equal rape. It just doesn't! It's perfectly possible to consent while drunk. I have had lots of sex while drunk, most of it perfectly pleasant, occasionally slightly regrettable. They weren't rape. I have also been raped, and it's completely different.

I honestly think your drunk = rape stance is so out of order.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2014 01:30

I think it is really important for the OP to explore with her DD the issue of rape and the matter of consent both in relation to this incident and in general. Girls do not have to go along with things they may object to. They do not have to put up with arrangements they may have qualms about just in order not to make a fuss.

It is too late to do anything preventative about what happened/what may have happened at this point, but maybe the DD needs to understand that just because you end up in a bed together that one thing doesn't necessarily have to lead to another. This is something the boy in this incident obviously needs to have drummed into him too but that is not something the OP can do in all likelihood.

It is pretty clear to me from the OP's account that sex with this boy is not something this girl was anticipating that night, nor was she anticipating the bed arrangements.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2014 01:31

Are you normally so rude, Tsukuru?

AlleyCat11 · 12/12/2014 01:38

Rape? Shut up!

Sleeping with a boy you fancy is totally normal, in teens or 20s. I've done fwb, booty calls, ons with guys I had strong feelings for. They did not feel the same way. Oh, the heartache...
Is it just me, but rape was never bandied about the way it is now? It's 20 years since I was starting out sexually.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2014 01:45

Oh good for you, AlleyCat.

But you weren't there a few nights ago, were you? So what you are talking about is your own experience and expecting the OP's DD had the same. This is called projection.