DD sex with friend

[BelleJinx]

My DD (17) stayed at a friends after a party on Friday. Her best friend and her best friends boyfriend stayed in one room and my DD, another girl and 2 boys stayed in another. There were only 2 beds but because they were all a bit drunk, they had one girl and one boy in each bed.
My DD stayed in the bed of a boy she has liked for over a year and they regularly have kissed at parties but never dated or done anything past kissing. She admitted to me that one thing led to another and they had sex.
I was shocked at this because although DD has had sex with boyfriends in the past, she never had casual sex with someone she is not dating (least that im aware of). How would you react if this was your DD?

If you do not give consent then it is rape. Crossing boundaries can include rape and a parent should address this issue. Why would a parent not want a daughter to feel she was raped? Would a parent prefer to have her daughter go through years of blaming herself for her own 'poor communication' or her drinking, feeling she was an idiot, or in some other way experiencing feelings of doubt, shame, guilt, and regret, when actually none of what happened might have been down to her? It is not an extreme to suggest that decisions you make with sex partners have to be mutual and explicit.

Math

I'm confused. My natural reaction reading your posts was thinking you were frankly two stops past Dagenham...

However. On reflection, I have a question. Sex isn't like purchasing an item. There's often no exact moment of consent. Most encounters work on presumed consent mouths, hands, touch, taste etc. as a situation builds. Do you mean that continual conversation is necessary? Yes like that, here, now etc? and can consent be withdrawn as in and including penetration so saying "no I didn't mean that!" If penetration occurred but being quite happy up to that point.

What I guess is bothering me is that with consent being so contractual like now and semi legalese like is this not the patriarchy making it so rape is so tightly described it leaves the likelihood of rape conviction even further away, not nearer?

Also if I might ask, is your knowledge interest led or professional led? Curious.

What you are proposing is that sex stands alone as the one area of life that is not in any way affected by the law. There is no area of life that is not covered by the law. This does not make sex 'contractual'. The law is there to instruct and to protect.

There is a difference between consent and submission. Consent must be given and a no must be respected at any point in the proceedings. A person wishing to have sex must take steps to determine whether the prospective partner understands what is afoot and consents to it. The person must be reasonably sure that this consent is believable. If an accusation of rape is made afterwards, this is what the police will seek to determine.

In your scenario, where does discussion of protection come in?
It is a contention of some condom-averse men and boys that talk of protection and fussing with condom wrappers kills the mood. Is it being suggested here that seeking explicit consent would do the same?

What if a man preferred anal sex and neglected to let a prospective partner know this throughout foreplay, as the situation built, and he believed he had consent to anal sex thanks to all the touching, kissing, etc..? Or is it only vaginal sex that men are entitled to believe they have consent to despite not asking and not hearing a yes?

Sorry for the late (2 months oops!) reply
Rape is not the situation here and despite how you define the term 'rape', my DD has been interested in this boy for a year or so and I have overheard prior to this event, frequent convos between her and friends talking about him explicitly.
Talking to DD, she was very excited that it had happened thus indicating it was entirely consentual. Plus, my daughter has never got to the stage where she isn't aware of what is happening.

Finally, for those wondering 'the ending' to this drama. She and the boy decided not to pursue this any further

Aww - not the ending I hoped for.

Thank you for updating.

It sounds like you have a very good relationship with her; a great help when it comes to making choices that are good for her.

Sorry not read the full thread but my dd is here despite me taking the MAP!! If it were my dd I would make sure she got checked out for any STIs and having a chat about how important condoms are etc.

It is ludicrous to suggest that if you have consumed alcohol you can not give full consent as well as that you should be having a conversation prior to sex about what you are and are not consenting to. It doesn't work that way in the real world - thank God!!