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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD sex with friend

181 replies

BelleJinx · 07/12/2014 13:38

My DD (17) stayed at a friends after a party on Friday. Her best friend and her best friends boyfriend stayed in one room and my DD, another girl and 2 boys stayed in another. There were only 2 beds but because they were all a bit drunk, they had one girl and one boy in each bed.
My DD stayed in the bed of a boy she has liked for over a year and they regularly have kissed at parties but never dated or done anything past kissing. She admitted to me that one thing led to another and they had sex.
I was shocked at this because although DD has had sex with boyfriends in the past, she never had casual sex with someone she is not dating (least that im aware of). How would you react if this was your DD?

OP posts:
magpieginglebells · 13/12/2014 03:10

Trying to put together a sensible reply to what math has written but I just can't. Really shocking that she would actually believe what she has written.

mrscumberbatch · 13/12/2014 03:15

It's quite out of character as well.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 13/12/2014 05:05

No, it's not out of character.

CariadsDarling · 13/12/2014 05:20

Its comments such as the one from Mathanxiety that put people off wanting to explore Feminism further.

Toughasoldboots · 13/12/2014 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2014 07:24

Dixie -- if you are drunk you can't consent.
Not 'if you drink you can't consent'.

Fluffling, not 'tipsy' but drunk.
You may well have been raped if you were too drunk to give meaningful consent.

I'm mainly surprised that she would have sex so quickly in a sense that the second she got into bed with this guy it happened.
This sounds like something that happened without time to consider it properly. Given that no contraception was used, it certainly seems there was more action than conversation.
There is no mention of any consent being explicitly given, just 'one thing led to another'.

Apologies to those who think rapists are all strangers in bushes. Rape happens in beds too, at parties, when teens are too drunk to give meaningful consent. And spousal rape is a criminal offence, not a figment of the imagination or a concept too absurd to consider. Rape is indeed a serious crime, but it doesn't have to involve bruises.

I honestly don't know how people get to be adults and perhaps even parents without realising this. It shocks me that some of you may be parents of boys.

If those of you who are greeting my posts with incredulity are parents of boys, what have you told your sons about the need to hear consent before sex?

mathanxiety · 13/12/2014 07:25

Cariads is it only uptight feminists who are concerned about rape then?

Toughasoldboots · 13/12/2014 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CariadsDarling · 13/12/2014 07:32

is it only uptight feminists who are concerned about rape then?

No, but it is only uptight feminists (your description by the way), such as yourself who see it where it didn't exist.

Toughasoldboots · 13/12/2014 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 13/12/2014 07:40

If she was drunk it was rape???

Good god, I raped my DH last night then!

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 13/12/2014 07:42

Math, I never notice other posters! And yet I have noticed you in the last and you have always struck me as being very sensible and a poster I enjoy reading.

However, in this instance I think you have gone a little too far.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2014 07:45

No you didn't Enjoyingmycoffee, unless you have a penis.

But isn't rape funny all the same.

Lol.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2014 07:47

Cariads It seems to me it is only people who think it is worse to be considered a prude than to be raped who would not consider the possibility of rape here.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 13/12/2014 07:47

Math, you are being ridiculous.

Read the OP again, reacquaint yourself with it.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2014 07:49

Weirdly, Toughasoldboots I also have a son, and daughters. Oldest 24, youngest 13.

What have people here told their sons about consent?

Toughasoldboots · 13/12/2014 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flanjabelle · 13/12/2014 07:59

Math do you consider being 'drunk' as automatically meaning completely out of control and incapable of making decisions? I think the problem here is that many on this thread have been 'drunk' but not in that state, so are still able to give meaningful consent. I gather from your posts you are talking about being completely intoxicated rather than functionally drunk if that makes any sense?

saintlyjimjams · 13/12/2014 08:00

Your view of sex is utterly warped math. I am scared for my boys tbh reading that.

OP - it all sounds very normal. I'd talk to get about always carrying condoms & also about peer pressure (did she want to share the bed? If yes that's fine, if not it eould have been okay to say no). I certainly wouldn't be suggesting she had been raped. Ffs. How warped.

whooshbangprettycolours · 13/12/2014 08:03

Well I think maths has a point. Did she consent or was she pushed along feeling like she'd 'got herself into this situation' she almost wasn't entitled to say no/change her mind.

If my DD had said this to me I'd be talking about choices, consent and her right to change her mind.

If she said no I feel unsure about the outcome but I was happy to let one thing lead to another, fine.

To me both are possible, to me therefore they should be talked about.

I'm not a lawyer, but I think persuading/pushing a situation along isn't the right side of a line that I'd want a son of mine to cross.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2014 08:08

No, Toughasoldboots, I queried what the mothers of boys have told their sons about consent.

I said I was shocked that some of you may be mothers of boys.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2014 08:13

If you want to be shocked even more, Saintly, I recommend you get acquainted with the law on rape, and then get your sons acquainted with it too. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse for breaking it.

I still haven't heard what mothers of sons have told their sons about consent, which is the central element to be considered when deciding on what is and what is not rape.

Celestria · 13/12/2014 08:13

I agree maths has a point also.

I don't agree sex whilst drunk = rape. I do agree the op should check with her dd that she did actually want to have sex with this lad and that it wasn't a few kisses and a cuddle that led into something she didn't actually want.

I suspect the dd will not have concerns about the sex part but I do think girls need some guidance on the subject of reasonable consent and it never ever harms anyone just to...check.

Toughasoldboots · 13/12/2014 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2014 08:20

Flanjabelle, many here on this thread have projected onto this situation what their experiences of drunk sex have been and have apparently assured themselves that the DD had the same experience.

There is no way for anyone but the DD to know how drunk she may have been and that is why I urged the OP to probe about the issue of consent/how the boy got the idea he could proceed past 'one thing' to 'another', in light of the fact that all parties had been drinking.

This could be a very valuable learning experience for this girl but only if the issue of consent and the allied issue of lack of consent (i.e. rape) are brought up, and the distinction pointed out. It could also be valuable for the boy, obviously.

It is not just a matter of damage control in the form of MAP and std testing.