Went shopping yesterday-we got the mens shirts & trousers, but I cried when we got to the boxer shorts

[Floundering]

.....they are for my 17 year old DD.

My gorgeous sassy funny not so little girl has confided in me that she feels she is a boy trapped in a woman's body. Gender Dysphoria is our new buzz phrase.

Since she told me 10 days ago we've had doctors appointments for me & her, to arrange counselling, talked long and tearfully (both of us) and gone shopping. She wants to cut off her beautiful glossy mane, bind her chest and eventually start hormones. Luckily she favour the baggy shirts & jeans look so no vast difference yet.

I can't bear it.

I'm in a fog, wanting to support her but also wanting to shake some sense into her.

(BTW not bothered about me, but have NC for this I did post a one off post on another thread the night it all happened but forgot to NC & got it pulled so if you saw that please don't out me for her sake. )

Since puberty she has had massive gynae issues, multiple A&E visits and admissions for various operations. Part of me wonders whether she has had such a shit time as a female that subconsciously she feels being male would be easier. But then I wonder if I'm in denial as I can't get my head round it. She says she is sure.

I have been researching transkids and it seems if they get to late teens and are sure then they rarely change back.

I am in so much pain at the thought of what she wants to do & the fact that the poor love is so mentally unhappy she is prepared to do it.

Not sure why I'm posting except I need to find someone who can share their experiences as the mum of a trans kid. I know the technical side of things, I worked on some of the first sex change ops back in the day and that makes things worse in a way.(although I know things have refined since then & yes its waaay down the line)

I'll stop now I'm waffling but please dear nest of vipers if you have any crumb of comfort bung it my way. This will be a long haul whichever way it goes.

Can't find the MN guidebook for this one

It's really nice that you can joke about things and see the lighter things - and share them as it will lift your son's spirits, especially in light of how your ex is reacting. He will surely drive your son away from seeing him again - why would anybody want to knowingly walk into an abusive situation, for that is exactly how it will appear to your son - every wrong name, every wrong pronoun is like a knife stabbing you through the heart. Hopefully he will come round as it is probably as important to your son to have a great relationship with his father as it was for me having a great relationship with my mother - so I really hope that he does come to accept completely, not in some half hearted, wishy-washy way.
Good news that he did well in his mocks as it shows that he is not letting this whole thing affect him too negatively, although there will be still some ups and downs to navigate, but then again, that is part of normal life, isn't it?

We have always had a jokey teasing relationship, & the kids regularly trade insults and are very rude to each other at times.

(Just as I was & am with my siblings-we once had a friend ask why we didn't get on, I snorted & said we were very close why did he think that? He said but you're all so RUDE to each other!!!!)

When DS first came out it was his sis he told first & since she has been at Uni I have regularly come home to find them chatting about nothing in particular & sharing silly items from the net via Skype. This estrangement from their Dad has only brought the 3 of us closer together.

Yes I was pleased about the exam & I think it boosted his confidence too. We expect the ups & downs, just would like a period of up-ness for a while to draw breath!

Hi there NeedA hope all is well with you? x

Can't believe I've not updated for so long!

We're doing OK now, shortly after my last post we weren't. DS dad was and has been a complete arse, but after a few clumsy attempts to make contact (without acknowledging his atrocious behaviour & how it hurt DS) he has respected DS' request not to contact him and kept his distance until after exams. Now he has been back in touch asking DS how he has got on, I am leaving it up to him how he wants to play it, although it breaks my heart to see them estranged.

I was struggling terribly with my head acknowledging my happy newly male child, and that it is the right step for him, and my heart grieving for the daughter I gave birth to. But he is still the same loving, sassy, emotional child but so much happier and for that I am grateful, my child is still alive which is not something a lot of parents here on MN can say, sadly. My/ our counselling is helping greatly.

DS had his third appointment at gender clinic last week, and has had the go ahead to start hormone therapy from the 2 consultants who have been assessing him. He is beyond ecstatic and now has to have blood tests galore, and then the clinic advises the GP on what dosage of testosterone to start administering & every 3 weeks he will be going to see the practice nurse for that, and every 3 months back to the clinic for monitoring.

At that last session I was invited in by the doctors with DS consent to talk about the family angle and check if I was up to speed with the planned treatment. The hardest part for me was when we had to both read a disclaimer saying he understood what the treatments entailed, the effects and side effects, including loss of fertility and that was hard seeing it all in black and white, I wobbled a bit, but he signed without a backward glance.

In a years time he will be assessed for referral for chest reconstruction surgery- for now I am putting that aside as we venture into the world of acne, hairy in funny places and mood swings......deep joy

.... yes teenage angst - but that will also pass and you will have a happy contented young man as your son

Hope so Trans not looking forward to having a grunting monosyllabic smelly male around the house

Thanks for the update, and all the best to your DS and you. You are an amazing mum.

Thanks Lasting

Today I certainly don't feel like it. I'm tired & crotchety and had a real rant at the kids this morning about some trivial thing that yet again didn't get done & left to me. Then I feel bad when I see their guilty faces.

I'm just feeling totally overwhelmed at the moment, struggling with finances, fighting to get us ANY support from the NHS, and can't see the wood for the trees. My inner Pollyanna is tired of putting on a face & coping , I just wish I could crawl into bed & sleep for a week, but I can't.

(((HUGS))) Floundering. Can you put the kids in charge for a day and tell them you need some TLC?

Might try that tomorrow LL - they have been out all day & I have to guiltily admit it's been bliss to have a few hours to myself between work jobs.

You don't have to feel guilty at all! We all need time to ourselves, it's a necessity not a luxury.

So my GP keeps telling me but it can be difficult to ringfence as I'm the only one working & ferrying to appts etc . (Live in the sticks)

Am going away to visit some friends this w/e ...so looking forward to it. :)

What an amazing thread. I'm really humbled by the compassionate way you have dealt with the changes your son is experiencing. You are a wonderful mother x

Oh Flossie, bless you for posting that!!,

it is a bit of a self indulgence this thread but I'm using it as a kind of diary & it helps to look back sometimes.

Being alone with this is hard, I have a few friends who are very supportive, & my immediate family, but I don't like to offload on them too much for fear of sounding like a cracked record!!

Hi floundering I've just caught up on how you've all been getting on. Sounds like DS has been making real progress which is good news.

Sorry your Ex is still being such a prick thank goodness DS and DD have you to balance it out. A break with friends sounds nice xxx

Hi Kilkash :)

Hope you're well?

Yes DS is getting his first Testosterone shot on Friday, so all moving forwards.

Ex is being an absolute arse as ever so today I sent him a short email & have gone NC ...feel quite liberated!!

Oh well done, don't engage with him anymore.

Wow good luck DS for Friday!

How are you now Floundering? Is DD ok? Xx

Thanks Killash

DD is still very up & down, the periods of up seem to be better, longer. but still periods of absolute desolation, for no reason and she feels she is useless and worthless

We're trying to get her out and about more, she & DS go into town on the bus to hang out as they do, grab a coffee & maybe a few bits. Anything to get her out of the house & off her computer. SHe still gets very anxious in social situations.

I've gently suggested going to see the GP for a review as I worry she is not improving enough to think about returning to Uni in Sept.

She is really looking forward to moving into the house share she's signed up to with her 5 friends, which is great, I'm just concerned about her stressing with her workload when studies re-start, but I guess she won't know till she tries!

Being at home is not the best thing for her as she is socially isolated, her friends are all at Uni now. She has been to see them a few times to keep in touch which is good.

DS is so good with her, as she is with him, it is so sweet seeing the way they care for each other. But I am careful to make sure neither feels too burdened by/for each others wellbeing, DS spent all day hanging out with one of his college mates yesterday & had a great time.

Me? Well,I'm hanging on in there, if anyone asks I say I'm upright & breathing, anything else is a bonus!! I do find the strain of supporting both of them emotionally gets too much at times, but w/e's away like this last one help me keep going.

Sorry epic answer, to 2 short questions!!

Not epic at all! I think you are amazing and upright and breathing is pretty impressive IMHO.

Weekends away / dinner with friends/ walks in the fresh air. All things you need to keep doing to look after yourself so you can carry on being an amazing mum to your two dc.

Are you settled in your house now? Did you get down to Devon in the end? Sorry I've been a bit awol small children + work + work on house is all a bit manic.

Footle I hope your DC is happy now & you are feeling better about it?

Killash Yes all settled in thanks although still sorting out stuff, never enough hours in the day & with 3 of us at home it takes all my efforts to keeping on top of routine stuff !
Didn't get to Devon yet but hope to do a road trip when finances are better, desperately need a solo holiday. Have got a week in Scotland booked end of August at a friends cottage on the beach for all of us plus dog so looking forward to that.
Sounds like you're chasing your tail too, don't apologise, that bloody thing called Real Life gets in the way of MN-ing at time s!
Feeling rather sad this morning, DS is having his first testosterone jabs. It is the start of the irreversible decline of his fertility as his ovaries shrink.
Although my head knows he is happier than ever, really looking forward to becoming a "real man" and I am so happy he is so positive, my emotions are all over the place. Really annoying myself!!

Had a good old roar in the shower just now as I don't like the kids to see. Having lots of cuddles with them both.

Yaaay!! are good ones too!!!!

Kids have both gone out for a few hours-so nice to have some time to myself- ignoring all the jobs that need doing for a bit but must do some.

So tired this week, not sleeping well. Can get to sleep no problem but waking with Busy Brain in the wee small hours.